属于我自己的宗教

人生，仿佛是水，一下是地球表面的大海，一下是蔚蓝天际的白云。

我们时时刻刻活在生命之中，又同时又尝试置身更高处俯视生命，于是便累了。难以找到“生命的意义”，或是看到其终极的“无意义”，并不能够logically deduce 生命无需安排或自我主宰。如果只是这样看，那么就未免太受理性牵制了。除了pure reason之外，人至少还有practical reason，还有难以用reason去捕捉的judgment and belief（borrowed from Immanuel Kant）。

有时，我情愿相信的一个故事是：天神创造了众生并赋予秩序之后，就放手不管了。所以，我们可以相信有造物者，却无需坚信他的永恒存在。生存，就是行动。而我们习惯性地要去理解一切事物的“意义”，以此来主宰我们的行为；同时，很多时候，“意义”是在事情结束后，才能够弄明白的，但到那个时候，你的肉身和头脑也许已经不存在了，剩下的是后人（包括亲人）对你之前的一切行为的精神性的继承，由他们决定你存在时的意义。所以，生命不在于“有没有”意义，只是这“有没有”其实是可以视为无所谓的。工程师可以时刻去弄明白然后创造出他希望创造的，但对于生命，如果要实现这种“控制欲”，那么，也许是自己的“心“，即一种比”意义“更大更广的生命观。我们身外的世界是怎么样的，与我们是如何去解读和明白它，是两个层面的事。就像佛教中的寓言，为何能闻到花香——是花动？是风动？都不是，是因为心动。

也许正是因为这样，对我自己而已，活着就是一场不断在理性的矛盾统一（unity of paradoxes）中度过的。从”有意义“、到”无意义“，到意义的”无所谓“；从”希望“，到”绝望“，到”其实都一样，是虚妄“，其实很多事情总是在这种“正—反—合” thesis-antithesis-synthesis (Hegel) 中度过的。似乎，佛教也是这样，从”有“、到”无“，到发觉其实无所谓，于是就有了”空“。而”空“还是有对立的，所以就有”色即是空，空即是色“。

到头来，from my own academic training, Reason is for us to learn to overcome binaries in all aspects of life, but at the same time not to feel that it will then make us "rootless" or "sitting on the fence". 《庄子》里有篇”逍遥游“，说一只大鸟，一飞就是几万里，但小麻雀看不起它，因为觉得自己天天到田地里就happy了；而大鸟却不甘心这样生活，所以继续展翅高飞, 但它似乎并不开心。Moral of the story: 现实总有些条件限制着我们，而只要意识到不论怎样都有局限性，破了这种”对待“，就能迈向逍遥。

若问我如何看待人生，我会说，存在的意义就在于其无所谓意义。不是”有意义“或”无意义“的问题，而是明知自己无法掌握意义（因为从现实看这经常是别人赋 予的），却必须为自己编织一个做事和活着的理由。所以，有些辩证的矛盾统一，即虚无中的动力、绝望中的希望般，保持着一种信念：意义只是我们自觉赋予手头 上或头脑里想做的事的动力，除此之外什么都不是。也因此，意义是不定的。而生命的意义（活下去的理由），也许也正是追求这一切”浮动“意义的欲望，及其总 和。

但如果硬要给人找寻存在的意义，也许在基本的活着之外，就是不断地思考，却甘心于永远找不到答案。孔子说：朝闻道，夕可死。 Translated in modern terms, it means "if you discover the true meaning of "Tao" in the morning, you can go die in the evening". 也可能是这样，Socrates才让我们学会”自知自己无知“。Life, is a process to know and reflect on everything, so that we can eventually appreciate the meaning of Nothing-ness.

而如果最后要讨论生死问题，我也很喜欢佛教Karma的概念。Chinese Buddhism has already distorted it to become a "transactional" notion, but in the Sanskrit version, it is really an ethical and aesthetic concept. At least, it is so in my own interpretation.

At the end of the day, frankly our own Life isn't as difficult to make sense of. At the end of the day, I think there is a limit that we hit which we call true contention. Everyone has different thresholds, the "smarter" ones ironically have higher limits because they are bothered by the chain of Logic, which restrains belief. Once we come to stage where we learn to reconcile our souls with the God that we have been conditioned a-priori to see as someone outside of ourselves, that's the Eureka point that you'll truly understand why they say God is in all of us. The Christian God is the only god that gives and not take, that's why ppl believe in him. But think one step deeper, it's simply because it's hard for us as humans to do so. Ultimately, even without believing this Christian God but trying to walk in his footsteps, I think that's how we gain transcendence and happiness. Same reason why they say 人人皆可成佛. We've just got to try, each and every of us, ourselves and seek a "religion" that's yours. I began with nurturing the habit of smiling to myself fist thing I wake up in the morning. Life feels like a piece of Art in progress, and I am the one drawing and being drawn. That's my philosophy, and it brings me through the rest of everything else in a dimension called "reality".