展翅,在夕阳的轮廓里

幻想,是何等伟大的事业
将一代人卷入那空灵之中
在苏醒的时候,才发觉,
原来他们已被时间抛在了后头,成为了历史
黑格尔说得对:
密涅瓦的猫头鹰只在黄昏起飞
可叹的是,
世人只知以自己的生理年龄来判断个人思想的时辰……


2007年10月30日星期二

散文涂鸦(三):《秋绪》

锈一般的空气,披着神秘面具,无边无际。终而下起小雨,在那旅人背脊,一滴一滴。

同样是提伞,步行的人随风而吟,或哀而泣;自行车骑士,则感战场沙尘四起,愈进愈急。

一阵酷气过去,只闻草木翻翻欲寂。

炎热夏季,绿荫默默伫立,俯观人的筋疲力尽;清爽秋庭,过客缓缓而行,仰听梧桐的最后喘息。

自以为,这是自然的窈窕纤细。转角处,却见落叶一片狼藉。

究尽一生,或许明彻缘灭气息,却难见情止体静。万物化返,终使人不胜唏嘘。

然而,巧遇名师大家携子搀女之景,但知人性的平凡无奇。

生生父母,其心如一;追忆惘然,原似流光随影。


What is insignificant to us may have a big impact on others, what is significant to us, others may feel nothing. Life is all but a controversy of subjectivity. The quest to seek the Objective is thus the aim of every human, but who really finds it?

Stranded in the middle of time, looking at the past brings regret, looking at the future brings fear and sadness, looking at the present brings uncertainty. Yet, who really overcomes time?

2007年10月21日星期日

A peek into the Self

终于,看到了路的坦荡

跳出丛林,原是察觉寂静下的扰攘

澎湃的青春,山水还未嵌入胸膛

思维的浪潮,席卷灵魂新旧消长

失去勇气 面照内在的凄苍


以为白云漂浮在长存的蓝天

却见午间大地黄金一片

悄无声息,烤出上苍羞涩的容颜

时间,让我们看不到自己蜕变

遗忘从前 曾经睡过的花园

2007年10月20日星期六

散文涂鸦(二):《眠•觉》

生命太多错觉,包括情感。成长的代价,并不一定要伴随时间直线条的推移。一切知性,让现实不成现实,虚幻不成虚幻,假作真时真亦假。梦,不断环环相扣而回旋。理性过剩,终而好似没有情感;然而,每一个文字却铺垫着一颗柔而小的心。到最后,走在尘埃密布的道路,错觉也不过是错觉。艺术到了最后,必须消解自己,留下无以名状的虚无。


昼短时节,夕阳的余晖成了狼族的血祭;

叶落纷飞,梧桐的枝头化为战士的铁剑。

大地漆黑一片,皎白明镜,折射天际的尘灰,

伊人在水一方,寂静山丘,或闻生物的呼吸。


是摩诘的惊鸟?是鲁迅的过客?

是寻觅长眠猎物的兽?还是

在池边的梦乡里,以悬崖为伴 舞着月光的心灵?

寻觅与等待,终究换取烟海中的心悸与无奈。


生命输给了时间,是谁的过错?

雪花是美是悲,要看是否有明星伴随。

第一道曙光,射入半闭的眼眸。在那时候,

忘却昨夜的彩霞,让灵魂旋转出香甜的凄楚缠绵。

2007年10月12日星期五

迷失的祭歌


寂静水面,清澈的月

乳白带着晶莹

好似净晰

家家瓮里见慈光

不如抬头面照皎明镜


今人独得虚古意

蓦然回首

却不见诗人赤壁咏叹息

流水

或是冥界之境,或是时光无情


北林觅得空树梢,却道

若非慈乌,即为

黑发早遇聃周吟,

不知已得红楼白雪地

还是口念三藏宝黛心


拟古之意,千言万语总矫情

是非之谛,东南西北皆无理

好像豪语壮志,亦似闺女抚琴

到头来,

不见天地自偶化,儒道玄佛终为零


0这个概念,什么都不是,却同时也什么都是。就好像郭象《大宗师注》所曰:“言道之无所不在也。故在高为无高,在深为无深,在久为无久,在老为无老,无所不在,而所在皆无也。”也许,这正是哈姆雷特生命真相的发现……

2007年10月5日星期五

拟古


子时差三分,闲闷无处遣

独倚迎冰风,浊酒对清天

淫乐袭心房,周公亦沉潜

静闻叶蝉吟,闺妇楼台间

遥想建安子,思接竹林贤

有意阕至情,欲发更无言

焉得不速老,随母赴黄泉


拟古之乐,识得文人雅兴之挫败,明了朴素之艰难,会通布局之关键,感其生命之流放。道常无言。此中真意,稍纵而成惘然……

2007年9月28日星期五

Let's pray for Burma

The appalling news about the crackdown of the military junta in Myanmar brings into picture several key questions about the country, ASEAN, China's "strategic management" of its foreign policies, and on a larger scale the paradoxical strife-in-continuity relationship between history and politics of an independent state.

People power in Myanmar has not yet achieved its full potential, though we do see news reports quoting common people lamenting the soldiers as "ingrates" who forget that their food is given to them by their fellowmen. (That brings to mind my question about how the Indian soldiers working for the British felt when they had to torture fellow Indians for their enemies..)

Singapore, as current chairman of ASEAN, is trying to do something. Yet, I doubt how much "quiet diplomacy" and issuing of statements can help. George Yeo's act of trying to secure his presence at UN security council meeting shows his guts and determination to "express the views of ASEAN", but on the other hand could bring future repercussions, such as fellow ASEAN neighbours seeing us as "overly proactive" in hindsight.

It doesn't help either that China and Russia blocked UN security council sanctions, labelling such actions indirectly as "non-constructive". Frankly, if China were to step in today (despite the fact that it could be seen as an interference in the internal politics of another sovereign nation), I believe the Myanmar authorities would think twice and exercise restraint in violence even if major arrests were planned. Yet, China held on to its "peaceful rise" diplomatic ways and maintained a "middle way" attitude. I guess, if we look a little deeper and spice it up with some imagination, China is just afraid of "retributions" should itself being a one-party regime employ similar tactics on its own people in future. China's politics doesn't allow it to commit itself to a position of moral authority...

No matter what, let's pray for our neighbour and its people.

2007年9月18日星期二

The Angel's Wings

elle balance

sur le plumage instumental,

Musicienne du silence.


心连着心

望着彩虹的摇摆

手牵着手

遗忘过去和未来

一起等待 生命许诺的告白

没有唾弃与无奈

文字的心跳在澎湃

相信 天使之翼依然存在

2007年9月15日星期六

[Straits Times] Twists and twirls of an individual mind


By David Brooks
UNIQUELY PERSONAL: Judging intelligence today is like watching ballet. Speed and strength are part of intelligence, but the essence of the activity is found in the rhythm, grace and personality of a person.

A NICE phenomenon of the past few years is the diminishing influence of IQ. For a time, IQ was the most reliable method we had to capture mental aptitude.

People had the impression that we are all born with these clever little information-processing engines in our heads, and that smart people have a lot more horsepower than dumb people.

And in fact, there is something to that. There is such a thing as general intelligence; people who are good at one mental skill tend to be good at others. This intelligence is partly hereditary.

An analysis by Mr Bernie Devlin of the University of Pittsburgh finds that genes account for about 48 per cent of the differences in IQ scores. And there is evidence that people with bigger brains tend to have higher intelligence.

But there has always been something opaque about IQ. There is no consensus about what intelligence is. Some people think it is the ability to adapt to an environment, others that capacity to think abstractly, and so on.

Then there are weird patterns. For example, over the past century, average IQ scores have risen at a rate of about three to six points per decade. This phenomenon, known as the Flynn Effect, has been measured in many countries and across all age groups. Nobody seems to understand why this happens, or why it seems to be petering out in some places, like Scandinavia.

IQ can be powerfully affected by the environment. As Mr Eric Turkheimer of the University of Virginia and others have shown, growing up in poverty can affect your intelligence for the worse.

Growing up in an emotionally strangled household also affects IQ. One of the classic findings of this was made by H.M. Skeels in the 1930s. He studied mentally-retarded orphans who were put in foster homes. After four years, their IQs diverged by an amazing 50 points from orphans who were not moved.

And the remarkable thing is, the mothers who adopted the orphans were also mentally retarded and living in different institutions. It was not tutoring that produced the IQ spike; it was love.

Then, finally, there are the various theories of multiple intelligence. We do not just have one thing called intelligence. We have a lot of distinct mental capacities. These theories thrive, despite resistance from the statisticians, because they explain everyday experience. I am decent at processing words, but when it comes to calculating the caroms on a pool table, I have the aptitude of a sea slug.

IQ, in other words, is a black box. It measures something, but it is not clear what it is, or whether it is good at predicting how people will do in life. Over the past few years, scientists have opened the black box to investigate the brain itself, not a statistical artefact.

There are now books on mental capacities where IQ and intelligence barely crop up. They are concerned instead with, say, the parallel processes that compete for attention in the brain, and how they integrate. The authors are finding that neural connections are shaped by emotion.

The University of Southern California had a patient rendered emotionless by damage to his frontal lobes. When asked what day he could come back for an appointment, he stood there for nearly half an hour describing the pros and cons of different dates, but was incapable of making a decision. This is not the Spock-like brain engine suggested by the IQ.

Today, the research that dominates public conversation is not about raw brain power but about the strengths and consequences of specific processes.

The cultural consequence is that judging intelligence is less like measuring horsepower in an engine and more like watching ballet. Speed and strength are part of intelligence, and these things can be measured numerically, but the essence of the activity is found in the rhythm and grace and personality - traits that are the products of an idiosyncratic blend of emotions, experiences, motivations and inheritances.

Recent brain research, rather than reducing everything to electrical impulses and quantifiable pulses, actually enhances our appreciation of human complexity and richness.

While psychometrics offered the false allure of objective fact, the new science brings us back into contact with literature, history, the humanities and, ultimately, to the uniqueness of the individual.

NEW YORK TIMES

2007年9月14日星期五

《稀望》

发觉友人中的诗性“小团体”,欣喜消解恒长的自我孤寂。于是作闲诗一曲,记黑暗中透进心灵的一丝光明。


忘了日期的园地里

麻痹的火团缓缓燃起

乔木野草一并化去

剩余的,却非虚寂四壁


纯情女郎的眼角下

种子找到了它的新家

权杖自碳灰中焕发

守护者,是那晦蓝的Lord Shiva


于是,膏火聃定的耗亡

带着久违甘露的舒爽

雨滴落地的清脆

伴随着光环的万翦辉煌

韩语歌声中,一分钟的阵雨

孤单度过下雪的夜晚

黎明的钟声,自远方传开

不要向我告知愚蠢的悲哀

只属于自己,那对你的爱

心头的痛楚阵阵袭来

但我依旧爱着 那寂寞的无奈


上苍为我落下细细的泪

让万物镶嵌在柔和的画纸上

柔弱的金黄 层层铺开

悄悄吞噬心悸,以生命取代

微风吹拂的短暂里

乌云卸下的包袱 原来是自己

2007年9月6日星期四

Reality check - India

Time just seems to fly when you're reaching the end of a journey. Maybe it's just that you want time to stay, but in jest it makes a funny face at you and hops along saying "no, I will not.." Now that I found some time to take a breather, I thought I'd better upload more stuff on India, so that everybody can see what I have seen.

Till now I have shown you the beautiful side of things. Now, it's time for a reality check. We're going to touch on thorny issues persistent in India's society.

The content below come from a part of my report to MOE on this attachment, so the language could be a little "political" in nature. Nonetheless, try to see things with your heart. More importantly, relate them to Singapore, and see if you can discover our blind spots as an individual and as a nation.

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Multi-religion and Multiculturalism

Contrary to the widely perceived notion that equates “India” with “Hinduism” (possibly because majority of Indians in Singapore are Hindus), India is in fact multi-religious and multi-cultural. India is not cosmopolitan like Shanghai, but has a diversity of culture and religion deeply rooted in history. In fact, the architectural heritage left behind by the Mughals from the 14th to 16th century is distinctively Muslim. The Taj Mahal, India’s symbol of eternal love, has verses from the Quran inscribed on its white marble walls.

However, while I have seen how people with different religions identified themselves with the common Indian nationality, transcending differences to work and live in harmony, and I have encountered three people - an Indian Muslim, a Nepalese Hindu and an Indian Hindu – who have been best friends for more than a decade, the real problem with India today, according to friend, is that religion has been so regularly exploited by politics (not exactly sure to what extent the word “politics” covers, it just kept appearing in our conversations) that Hinduism has reached a stage of fundamentalism and protectionism. This, coupled with the global threat of Islamic extremism, as well as the historical enmity between India and Pakistan, has resulted in constant tension between Hindus and Muslims. Though I have not witnessed this myself, I was told that personal arguments between individuals from different religious communities are often exploited and turned into inter-religious conflicts.

Therefore, on one hand, there are Indians who are not overly-influenced by protectionist Hinduism, who see their religion as the “mother of religions” and are thus being able to overcome barriers and seek spiritual solace in other places of worship; on the other hand, many Indians are starting to build up walls between themselves and people of other religions, such as the Muslims. More interestingly, while enlightened intellectuals express indignation at the current state of religion, they have also expressed worry at their children marrying someone from another religion. I understood that this paradox has a lot to do with the way “outsiders” are perceived by people from another religion and the issue of social acceptance by the local community. For example, a non-Hindu convert is generally taken to be lower than the lowest caste in the Hindu religion.

This reminded me of my reflections after watching the film “Gandhi”. The power of non-violence was fascinating, as always, but what drew my attention more was that among three things stated by Gandhi in the film, India till today has only achieved the third – that is, to defy the British and gain independence (Well, to speak the truth, Indians have not walked out of this colonial mindset yet). The second point was to eliminate the “untouchables”, with which I associate to the elimination of the caste system. The first point was harmony between Hindus and Muslims, a point which the director had obviously wanted to highlight by Gandhi’s assassination. The film set me thinking about how often we have forgotten the ideals of those who’ve brought us our freedom (or worse, not bothering to learn about them), and what it takes to bridge the difference between religions. Certainly, it is worth pondering how assimilation can take place, and if oblivion was the key to harmony. The question of “racial / cultural determinism” once again hovered in my head. Less significantly, the issue of heroism and its relevance to the world today also surfaced in the process.

Towards the end of the trip, what took me by surprise was the revelation that two of my colleagues have been lovers for 7 years. It’s just amazing how well-kept this secret is all this while since I arrived. The thing was that the female was Hindu and the male, Muslim. At dinner I could tell from the way they looked at each other that there was true love, and knowing India’s culture the issue of religion will be a big stumbling block for this couple to tie the knots. It pained me to see couples being pulled apart because of reasons beyond their control.

The issue of religion is something I would want to explore further, because it was apparent that many of the young teachers were having the same thoughts as me, believing in a “God” while their religions and deities become mere kitsch. Perhaps this could be a start towards inter-religious and inter-cultural integration.

Gender Issues

I first came across the issue of India’s gender inequality in “The Argumentative Indian” by Amartya Sen, winner of the 1998 Nobel Prize for economics. At that time, possibly influenced by my knowledge of age-old Confucian Chinese societies, I did not think it was surprising to find dominance of one gender over the other, particularly the male over the female, in a developing country steeped in tradition as India. A month’s stint in India made me realize the severity of the problem, especially the possibility of it manifesting into an impediment of family planning and in turn leading to the vicious cycle of poverty.

The most evident phenomenon of gender discrimination is probably the large number of female infants abandoned by parents with little or no education. News of these infants have become so common in the local newspapers that I suspect not many people really think twice about them after browsing through the reports. I also heard that in some parts of India, especially the villages, there is a practice of drowning new-born female infants in milk. Official reports also show that girls are disappearing at an alarming rate, and nobody has been able to provide a satisfactory explanation for that. In addition, I was told that gender discrimination is a social trend also applicable to educated upper and middle classes. This group of Indians typically chooses the route of abortion after illegally getting doctors to determine the sex of the foetus. Such a social mentality has resulted in the ratio of women to men in some cities to fall drastically, and in turn some communities resort to “buying” women from nearby villages or cities to produce offspring for them. A Hindi film entitled “A nation without women”, an excellent film in my opinion, was made on the basis of these issues, but I was told that it only lasted a week in the cinemas as Indians were not willing or unable to face up to the reality of their society.

These happenings show that there is a lot of room for consideration in terms of gender issues. One question I discussed with some Indian friends was whether a “one-child policy” akin to China would work in this country whose population is projected to exceed China’s in a few decades. Our consensus was that it could be difficult, considering the difference in political landscape and ideologies between the two nations. Moreover, it could cause the practices mentioned above to intensify, with unthinkable repercussions.

What intrigued me more, however, is the reason(s) behind the above practices. Indian friends constantly highlighted the general opinion most Indians have: boys carry on the family line, and only sons can guarantee their parents protection and care at old age. Moreover, females require dowry if they were to get married. Yet, if the Chinese have a similar mindset but do not have such massive killing of females, there has to be something deeper worth pondering.

I soon found out that there is the issue of the inability of Indian females to adopt proper birth control and family planning measures. This arises from the upbringing of the traditional Indian girl, who is taught from young that once she gets married, her husband becomes her “God”. The result is that even though contraceptives are distributed for free, many women refuse to use them as taking contraceptives or refusing to have sex is seen as an act of unloyalty towards their spouses. Moreover, women are subjected to the authority of their mother-in-laws after marriage, and approval has to be sought from the latter, seen as the head of domestic affairs, for almost everything. Deeply ingrained mindsets result in the passivity of traditional women (lower to middle classes), thus unwanted pregnancies, big families and poverty ensue. Abandoning, killing or aborting females may be extreme measures taken out of desperation, but what’s important is to appreciate that such trends are but a small piece of the puzzle.

Therefore, the root solution lies in the abolishment of the servility of women in a society that remains largely steeped in gender differentiation. Intellectuals with Western knowledge and experience, as well as law-makers, know this very well. Hence, intellectuals are doing their part to empower women. Laws have also been put in place to protect women, one of which Mdm. Anou likes to quote is the law against abuse towards married women. This law states that if any woman were to report to the police that she has been abused physically, verbally or mentally by her husband, mother-in-law or anyone in the household, the latter will be immediately detained, and bailing is not allowed. However, as pointed out by Mdm. Anou, this law has ended up being misused by some who were not actually abused, while most women who are true victims of family abuse, especially the less educated or those from lower social classes, tend to continue suffering in silence as they do not want to cause disruption to the family fabric or “bring dishonour” to the family name. In addition, society also takes an ostracizing attitude towards divorced women, and they face difficulties in renting houses or finding jobs.

Gender issues are truly reflective of the power that social norms and collective psychology have on the individual. Improved laws cannot solve gender problems fully because many people don’t make use of them. Schools are not able to deal with these issues openly because there will be pressure from parents who are still relatively conservative in thinking. As it is, through separate dialogues with the older girls and boys at Project Why, I have found out that many of them have inherited their parents’ opinions on gender. That is, for the boys, they think men are above women after marriage; for the girls, they perceive their roles after marriage to be an obedient wife and a deserving mother. The only comfort, probably, is that neither the boys nor the girls want big families. Most prefer to stop at two children. Nonetheless, as my Indian friend pointed out, nobody can say for sure if they will keep to what they say now when they grow up. It would thus be interesting to see how India deals with the gender problem, especially how voices and actions from the ground change the current state of things. At the same time, the impact of globalization and the influx of Western values, such as human rights and equality of gender, on traditional Indian thinking, practices and customs also remain to be seen.

Between Rich and Poor

Urban slums in Delhi are located in industrial areas, in the midst of rubbish dumps or even near city areas. Take a tour and you’ll immediately understand what is meant by “the two Indias”. On one hand you have huge shopping centres for the affluent; on the other hand people are roaming the streets for food. Or, while some people get all the water they need by just the turn of a tap, slum occupants arm themselves with water containers and rubber tubes twice every single day, climbing on top of the water van as if it’s wartime to obtain their storage of water.

Perhaps, as foreign observers, our hearts go out to these fellow humans, and it’s never difficult for us to pull out 10 rupees from our wallets for the kid or old lady wandering through the traffic jam, begging for money from car to car. At the same time, we start questioning how the rich can spend all their money on manicure and golf, and lament their cruelty and cold-bloodedness. I have been thinking about the issue of economic divide, and somehow I have come to understand that what we need to reflect on is not the fragility of humanity but the incapacity to overcome our own blind spots. Yes, you may say that with so many slums - congregations of people in abject poverty that set up their shelters in unoccupied urban areas such as outside the walls of an institute, in the midst of a rubbish dump, among the foliage by the road, under a fly-over, almost everywhere in the city, how can anyone miss them? Well, this is no different from the posters we hang on the walls at home. As soon as we’ve got used to them, unless we make a purposeful effort to acknowledge their existence, they become transparent to the eyes. While concrete efforts to change things always proceed in small steps, the key issue in the long run is awareness, and a constant effort to champion causes that we believe in.

Humans forget too easily. The greatest danger is turning a blind eye to our fellow men and not feeling guilty in the conscience. Yet, this seems to be the state in China and India today. Thus, there has to be a group of people who remind their fellow people of India’s realities. This brings me to the role of the Indian intelligentsia in their society.

The Indian Intelligentsia

While India is a developing nation that has deep-seeded issues which can take generations to solve, its historical developments and political ideals have nurtured a group of intellectuals who understand that many problems cannot be simply wished away. They too understand that while the government has a fundamental role to play, it is not possible and not enough to rely purely on policy changes – not possible, because bureaucracy and corruption are still inherent problems of the political process; not enough, because many problems require immediate actions and due to their close association with social mentalities, require early education so as to bring about mindset changes in the younger generations. Compared to China, this is a nation where young generations never forgot how hard their ancestors fought for independence and where some intellectuals are still see themselves as “nobels in spirit” leading their fellow men to liberation from poverty and suffering. In trying to bring two worlds within a country together, people have come together from different worlds and produced positive synergy in work and life. Action on the ground is self-initiated, presumably because the government cannot be counted on.

Of course, challenges ahead are aplenty. One of them is that undeniably, there are many more intellectuals out there who are disconnected from reality. There is also a need to increase this pool of talent and intellectuals through macro-changes to the education landscape. Moreover, it seems to me that the affluent/ intelligent/ higher castes/ those with better luck all seem set to take flight. The moment India catches up with China in its economic reforms, coupled with sustainability (and probably greater will) in its political arena, higher-educated intellectuals who speak better English than PRCs and who are more in-tune with the outside world may not be willing to stay. Loss of talent may decrease the base pool of enlightened individuals who dedicate themselves to greater causes than their own successes. At the same time, though India can draw some lessons from China’s present development, it lacks the latter’s long history of “one-idol worship” from politics to religion. Thus, while ill Chinese cultural practices have been eradicated by the communists from the late 1940s through the Cultural Revolution, and social classes from the revolutionary communism era were easily forgotten after 1979 and replaced with “financial classes” that have be managed with strong political will, big question marks remain on how India will deal with its deep-seeded culture, rich-poor gaps that are likely to widen, and the possible evolution of its political process.

Nevertheless, only time will tell of mindset changes to the people of India, especially when the world becomes increasingly barrier-less. For now, like some intellectuals whom I met told me, the important thing is to constantly challenge thorny issues and make sure people do not turn a blind eye to things. This means that every little incident that seems questionable has to be raised through the press, public debates and by fully utilizing the Right to Information (RTI) department directed by the central government.

2007年8月27日星期一

[Straits Times] Mother Teresa's letters reveal crises of faith

MOTHER Teresa, who is one step short of being made a Catholic saint, suffered crises of faith for most of her life and even doubted God's existence, according to a set of letters.

'Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear,' the missionary wrote to one confidant, Reverend Michael Van Der Peet, in 1979.

The letters, some of which she wanted destroyed, appear in Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, due to be published next week, 10 years after her death.

Extracts of the book appear in the latest edition of Time magazine.

In more than 40 letters spanning some 66 years, the ethnic Albanian nun who devoted her life to working with the poor in the slums of Kolkata in India, writes of the 'darkness', 'loneliness' and 'torture' she is undergoing.

'Where is my faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness - My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no faith,' she wrote in an undated letter addressed to Jesus.

'If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to heaven - there is such convicting emptiness.'

In her early life, Mother Teresa, also known as 'the saint of the gutters', had visions. In one, she talked to a crucified Jesus on the cross.

But the letters reveal that apart from a brief respite in 1959, she spent most of the last 50 years of her life doubting God's presence - much at odds with her public face.

In one letter, written in 1959, she wrote: 'If there be no God - there can be no soul - if there is no soul then Jesus - You also are not true.'

The book's compiler and editor Reverend Brian Kolodiejchuk is a member of Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity and was responsible for petitioning for her sainthood. She was beatified - one step short of sainthood - in 2003.

'I've never read a saint's life where the saint has such an intense spiritual darkness. No one knew she was that tormented,' said Rev Kolodiejchuk.

Mother Teresa's successor said yesterday that the revelations would not hamper her path to sainthood.

'I don't think it will have any effect on the process of sainthood for Mother Teresa,' said Sister Nirmala, who succeeded Mother Teresa as the head of the Missionaries of Charity.

Cardinal Angelo Scola, the patriarch of Venice, said the letters showed Mother Teresa was 'one of us, that she did all her work as we do, no more no less'.

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE, ASSOCIATED PRESS

“If your heart is clean, nothing happens.”


This is a quote from the novel-adapted movie "City of Joy". I chanted it everyday in India, in the hope of finding strength to deal with conditions and circumstances I never expected.

Yet, it wasn't just fighting things off. The entire month was a spiritual journey from my eyes to my soul, walking on a wandering track through thick foliage and entangled vines.

This post documents my struggle to victory.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1)

Twists and turns of the wondrous maze
Shelter from trails set ablaze
Still and dry is the common-man’s gaze
Where flies form the screen of haze

Milky-white drains greet the day
Temple’s closed, no need to pray
Children roam in sweaty flesh
Dancing to music that blasts away

Darkness in Daylight, Peace in Haste,
Behold, tis' the Kingdom’s song of Praise!

(2)

忘了眼泪的滋味,忘了心酸的甜美,
只知味蕾的疲惫,还有一片漆黑。
痛恨自己,成了心的盗贼,
在天神与大地的恩赐面前,颓唐残废。

(3)

The visits to the Lord Shiva statue, Lord Hanuman temple and Qutb-Minar were supposed to be spiritual, but being a tourist amidst the wave of afternoon heat meant more seeing with the eyes than the heart. Fortunately, the squirrels in their brown stripes and furry tales came to my rescue with their acrobatic postures and the adorable munch-munch action on two feet. As Lucy and I sat on a pasture chatting, I noticed a crow that flew to and fro, each time getting low to brush with its wings a wild dog that had entered its territory. 6 to 7 times it did this, before the dog finally decided to retreat. I’ve never derived so much pleasure from watching small animals. It was all part of the “Zen” that I’m unable to put into words.

Yet, seeing the crows sail high in the air, their extended wings still as they flowed in circles, I couldn’t help but feel like that solitary bird flapping its wings really hard, not knowing where I fit in or where I’m headed to. The agony of losing myself by accident is just proving hard to endure.

(4)

这是一个连蚂蚁都争着展现自我存在的世界,是一片无情被爱消解的田地。

苍蝇吮吸着汗水,替不排斥它的人搔痒。

人,已忘了自己是人。

万紫千红的舞蹈中,一只乌鸦和雪白的牛对上了眼。

跛脚的流浪狗路过其间,伴随旋律团团起舞。

在这单纯里,我却找不到一丝的诗心。在现实与欲求之间,看到了无法跨越的界域。

于是,无所谓神圣与洁净,

只有妥协与哀怨,无奈与怜悯。

也许,上帝的救赎,在于将魔鬼的权杖化为天神的仙棒,

学会在脚板的亲吻中将大地置入心灵,

于是非纠缠的麻木中,找回真实的自己。

(5)

A short power cut on Wednesday night resulted in us having to light Diwali candles, and in all silence the flame with its ring of glory and thousand rays seemed holy to the peaceful mind. Thursday’s rain made all of us wet, but it was such weather which ironically bought self-realization back again. As raindrops pattered and dark clouds loomed, the air that had been sultry for days felt refreshing. There were mixed feelings as to whether the rain was a blessing or disaster, but to me these three weeks in India have proven to me that life is like the yin-yang, with the good in the bad and vice-versa. After all, it is how the heart perceives the world.

(6)

膏火聃定的耗亡
带着久违甘露的舒爽
雨滴落地的清脆
伴随光环的万翦辉煌

潮湿浇熄不了世间的冥火,并存是上苍眷顾的最佳证明。

(7)

Sometimes, we adults think we have the answers to everything. In actual fact, even toddlers can give us a dose of much-needed inspiration at times.

This morning, Firdaush was telling me about what Komal (Naresh’s second daughter) did at the crèche yesterday. A little boy started crying after his father left him at school. Seeing this, Komal went over and tried to wipe the boy’s tears with her hands. When that didn’t work, she began patting the boy’s head like a big sister. The comforting went on for 15 minutes, but the boy didn’t stop. At last, Komal sat beside him and started crying with him. That did wonders – the boy stopped crying, and Komal dried her tears too. That brought a sense of warmth to my stale heart, and a smile that was truly radiated from within. Gomal’s bright eyes filled with curiosity and innocence made me realize what I was missing out in these past 2 weeks.

I had come to India in the hope of finding spiritual inspiration and perhaps even enlightenment, yet all I experienced was a dead soul amidst the daily buzz and “cultural immersion”. In reality, God has been everywhere around, in the winds of the morning, the rustle of the leaves, the colourful sarees, the buffalos on the streets, the crows and pigeons, the partying flies, the filth of the slums, the stares of the locals, and most importantly, the laughter and tears of all the children I have come across. In trying to do “something constructive” and paying too much focus on the language barrier, I’ve neglected the fact that baby angels are valued for their purity (even innocent evil), and teachers appreciate it when I push on with them everyday in the hot and stuffy room when the electricity gets cut, drowning in my own sweat without any complaints.

For a moment it felt like I was the protagonist in Tagore’s Gantajali – the one who sought Him but couldn’t find him anywhere, and eventually found it in the workers and the stone cutters. India’s poetic appeal – and perhaps its spirituality- is that beauty in the ugliest or most trivial of reality, under the harshest circumstances.

(8)

Night in Delhi is really heart-touching, especially seeing families sitting around, children playing together in orange light, and people on the streets busying themselves in a leisurely mood. As we came to a T-junction, there was this white buffalo which was caressing a dog with its neck, and the dog enjoying the company of the former. With white signifying purity and the buffalo being an animal sacred in Hindu religion, the scene before my eyes demonstrated what true love is all about: overcoming impossibility. As the clubs closed and the roadside sellers pushed their carts with that trademark green neon-light home at midnight, Delhi came to its temporal peace, which soothed the mind cooped up in haste and work all day long.

(9)

As golden rays beat on pools of sewage water and a fine stream of sacred dust snaked across the uneven roads, I felt as ease with the hot wind that puffed up the stained sleeve of my white shirt.

India is the place one should certainly visit after opening the eyes of the heart.

2007年8月25日星期六

India - Taj Mahal


Before I move on to serious stuff about India, like the slums, social problems etc, I've decided to upload some photos of my R & R. See the "glorious" part first so that when we encounter suffering, reality will sink in better...

Let's start with Taj Mahal. Frankly for me, the majesty of this symbol of eternal love wasn't so much in its architecture. It was having the entire blue sky with white clouds as its background that made the entire structure stand out. Since the clouds moved with the wind, the lighting cast on the central structure kept changing - just like how the shadows of the clouds casted on green fields or a mountain can create different effects, in turn evoking different feelings.


Now, I know this looks like it's done by photoshop, but it's really what most tourists do.

From left: Me, Rani (Indian), Shamika (Indian), Lucy (from Cambridge), Firdaush (French, born in Mauritius)

The Masjid (mosque) beside the white marble structure

Verses from the Quran inscribed on white marble

Yamuna River that flows into the Ganga (Ganges) River, behind the Taj Mahal.


2 interesting things about Taj Mahal: 1, the shadows of the four towers by the side will never fall on the dome of the central structure (housing 2 coffins); 2, There was supposed to be a black Mahal built beside this white marble one, but before the King could get down to it, his son usurped his throne. A sad story just like the bittersweetness of love.

Perhaps the truth of reality is that incompleteness makes life more beautiful.

2007年7月21日星期六

India - Day 1











Uploading speed is really slow, and for some reason I am unable to cut and paste my journal onto the blog.. (Don't like Imac.. =p) So, just to set the minds of those who are worried about my safety at rest, I've decided to upload some photos of my bedroom, the slums and the kids first..

2007年7月9日星期一

解脱——死亡惊喜到来的感悟

物,令人向往的是欲望,是冲动和现实无法调和的过程,而不在于获得;

时间,真正有价值的在于前后,毕竟没有过去与未来,就无所谓此时此刻;

人,最在乎的,感觉上是活着时每分每秒的存在,实际上却是因为终点的预先设定被推动着。

解脱,走来不易,到来却不费吹灰之力,

于是紧绷的心顿然被力量的释放骗得不知所措。

从马棚重归草原,不容易维持自己的桀骜不驯,

毕竟,解脱陷入的是无人之境,

并以它的解脱把人带回起点,陷入难以翻身的永恒轮回。

2007年7月3日星期二

《真爱宣言》




《再见萤光兰》主题曲。

让我如此向往澳大利亚,去了之后才生平第一次发觉什么是“美“,什么是aura,什么是自然与生命的和谐……

2007年7月2日星期一

《蒲公英》




小时候教师节的必唱歌曲……

Brings back sweet memories of Vietnam and Yunnan OCIP. (Qi, specially for you...)

知识的门由你开启
走向光明的路是你指引
莘莘学子 幼苗长在大地里
师恩是春雨

知识的门由你开启
走向光明的路是你指引
莘莘学子 幼苗长在大地里
师恩是春雨

每天用爱将智慧灌溉
培育我至诚智勇胸怀
教导我坚强 鼓励从不间断
开创美好明天

我们是高飞的蒲公英
您的叮咛嘱咐是和风
陪伴我自信翱翔 不怕迷失方向
飞翔阳光绚丽的远方

Zha Xi de Lei




就是这首歌,让我从小时候就向往到云南去教孩子。终于找到了。歌词的意义,到今天才真的有所领悟……

The song that inspired me to wanna do CIP in Yunnan since primary school. Finally found it. Now that I've realised my dream, I've come to understand how meaningful the lyrics are. Shall send this to my kids in Yunnan someday, though I wonder if they have a CD player...

2007年7月1日星期日

一分钟的阵雨

我曾写过,没有经过风浪的摧残与考验,无法知道船身是否坚固。但我忽略了一点,就是原来自己不断在船身上加木头,加铁钉,于是乎密密麻麻,总没顾及出航。也许,当风浪自行到来的一天,船身因为太沉重,一下子就沉没……

没有大喜大悲,哪怕在菩提树下修炼一辈子,或许也没法涅磐。般若,也许需要大量的情感波动后,才能在直觉的引导下自觉生发。在不自觉地“动”多了之后,再来求助于“静”,才能明了“静”的可贵。

也许,这正是为何鲁迅担忧中国诗歌中的“不撄人心”。时间久了,正如那些“虚假的哀怨诗”所表征的那样,坦然成了自我慰藉的心灵蒙骗,实际上就是那一艘已经出不了航的船。

只有加法或只有减法,终究都不是办法。人生就是这一条路,也许当无所谓加减的时候,才能坦荡荡地吟一句“也无风雨也无晴”。破对待,原来真是直觉的事。

“时间学”

古之学者为己,今之学者为仁。

声明“一说就错”,却总不能放弃悟出其中玄妙的努力。

从谢金良老师那里,得到了许多的启示。从中国传统文人试图追求和突破的“福、禄、寿”三者入手,进而谈王弼、何晏的有无论至僧肇由道至佛的转变,到《庄子》的解读,带出的都是一个“时间学”的问题。也许,对熟悉佛教的人来说,“破”不是什么新的词汇。然而,今天才真正似懂非懂地理解,什么是“真有”(自始至终都存在),“真无”(自始至终都不存在),以及由“因缘”的“合合而生,散尽而灭”所产生的“假有”、“假无”。

于是,引出了对时间因素的思考。

爱因斯坦的语言学老师告诉他,有一个土族,语言中只有过去和现在。因此,对这个民族而言,无所谓未来,便无所谓死,也无所谓生。

西方哲学上的名言“人不能两次踏进同一条河”,以及中国哲学所谓“指不至,至不绝”,都说明语言(“名”)的局限性。因为试图述说某一个时刻的内容时,语言的线条性跟随时间推移而使事物不再停留在那个“点”上,人便习惯以事物的现存状态来表述其永恒状态,并且注重事物之间的关系。

然而,假设自己是制造历法者,将是怎么样一种状态?试图想象在没有时间的状态中生活(也即不能用语言),生活会是何种样子?从那个状态中来看时间的创造与时间,是否就能更好把握生活在时间状态中的局限性和超越性?这就是区别于“无”的“破”。

时间是一条不归路。能够“破”了它,就无所谓前进后退,就无所谓观念上的生死,就得以体悟无得无失、无可无不可、能屈能伸的古人境界。

也于是才能体会,原来老子的“以静观动”和庄子的“吾丧我”,原来要体现一以贯之的思想。并且,不再有意无意地跌入神学或迷信的陷阱。

当然,要做到解脱,最难的还是应对死亡的那一瞬间。真正的大彻大悟,是既能摆脱结果(死亡的命运),也能够摆脱过程。有些人克服了对结果的恐惧,但在过程中泥足深陷,结果导致的是悲观者的虚无主义。有些人完全不在乎结果的存在,而自认坦然地享受过程,这种人称为快乐主义者,也有局限。还有一种,是两者都无法克服的,也许,他们最痛苦;但或许,他们也最坦然。

当然,时间的“破”之后,不是一切的结束。问题是,该如何去疏导一切思想,为他们找到突破口。

宇宙的构成,简单地说,分为时、空、物。时间的因素理解了,下来就是解决时空的问题。“一阴一阳谓之道”,是中国哲学中听腻了的名言,很多人(包括我)却从来没有理解这当中的绝妙含义。太极生两仪,原来告诉我们,尽管中国哲学上习惯郁阴抑阳,但阴阳无所谓高低、无所谓贵贱、无所谓先后,你中有我,我中有你,最后如同尼采“强力意志”之破强力一样,迈向无所谓阴阳。这回应了(本来要用延续,但难免又是线条式的)时间的“破”。

当我们最终来到了“物”的层面(却时刻提醒自己时、空、物并行不违),我们就得解决一个“观念”和“规律”的问题。观念是接近空间的东西,规律则是对应时间和关系的。观念容易改变,规律一般长久。规律却源于观念,观念则需要时间的检验。于是,又是“你中有我,我中有你”。

至于我那开始有了点苗头的“动静观念”,本已经陷入了自相矛盾的境地,却因为换一个角度看问题,于是又见到了曙光。从宇宙的动静到心灵的动静,是一种从超感性到感性领域的转变。也许,这也是一个有意思的突破口,让我们从文学中理解,哲学与情感(欲望)之间,也即理想和现实之间,究竟是怎么样一种关系。

不过,谢老师说得对。现代人因为急功近利,因此处处试图搞创新,却因为“新”的东西原来都出现在前人的著作中而不是“创”出来的。如何改变思维方式,如何接受并传承先辈们的智慧结晶,如何在不歪曲(误读)的情况下,回到文本的时代,以作者的立场来发问,同时又将知识运用到个人实际生活当中来,既超越时代又回归本时空,也仿佛是阴阳调和般,一说就错。

2007年6月29日星期五

A side character hijacks the plot

A telling example of how liteature can be hijacked and manipulated by those in power, and an intellectual's conscience devoured, albeit unknowingly, by ever-hungry politics. The scam is nonetheless veiled by the glamour of fame. A typical means of blinding eyes and hearts, it is something all of us need to beware. Was it not this that Mr. Kuo Pao Kun was criticising in his early works of the 1990s - what was termed the "massage effect"? Goes to show that we should never place 100% trust in those who hold the keys to our pragmatic concerns. The reason is simple: Conscience cannot be traded for anything, other than death.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By Dmitry Shlapentokh, For The Straits Times


AT THE Russia Day awards ceremony on June 12, President Vladimir Putin gave the most prestigious national honour, the State Prize, to Nobel laureate Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

Calling the world-renowned Solzhenitsyn a man of great erudition, Mr Putin mentioned only one of his works in his award speech: a compendium of rare words and expressions in the Russian language. The omission of the major work of the 88-year-old writer and historian is a telling indicator of the political and intellectual culture of the regime.

The work that brought Solzhenitsyn the Nobel Prize and worldwide acclaim was, of course, The Gulag Archipelago - his account of the Soviet terror machine, most notably Stalin's concentration camp system. The attack on Stalin and Stalinism was one of the major thrusts of Solzhenitsyn's long literary and public career.

He invariably presented Stalin as a bloody tyrant whose reign of terror brought about the murder of countless millions. Stalin's USSR subjugated not only Russians but also numerous ethnic minorities inside the then-Soviet Republic and beyond. Indeed, in Solzhenitsyn's early works, the Red Army's march to the East was seen not as liberation of Eastern Europeans but as conquest, in which they plainly exchanged one dictator, Hitler, for another, Stalin.

This vision of Stalin and the Soviet regime is not in the minds of most average Russians today. For people who see the brazen luxury of the nouveau riche and the pervasive corruption that flourishes despite Mr Putin's promise to establish a 'dictatorship of the law', Stalin has emerged as a tough but just ruler who promptly punished the immoral and corrupt who fattened themselves at the expense of the state and society. Some innocent people had to suffer, but Stalin in this respect was hardly unique, as Mr Putin himself made clear. Recently, speaking with teachers, Mr Putin suggested that the United States' use of atomic weapons in World War II was worse than the abuses ordered by Stalin.

Stalin has also emerged as a builder of a great empire, an image that caters to the nostalgia for Soviet imperial greatness. In this view, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was an empire of mostly ethnic Russians and Russified minorities with a strong but basically protective hold over the numerous minorities. This protective, loving aspect of the empire was underscored by the fact that under the veneer of Marxism was centuries-old Orthodox Christianity, which permeated Russian society regardless of political and socioeconomic constructions.

The Soviet state was driven by the same Orthodox current, and, if one is to believe a recent television mini-series on Stalin, the dictator himself was deeply religious, a good Orthodox Christian. This benign Christian-type nationalism has nothing in common with Western imperial design, where subjugation of conquered people and exploitation of their resources are the major reasons for expansion.

In this new or re-emerging construction of Soviet foreign policy, the Red Army was an exclusively liberating force welcomed by all East Europeans. The repression and terror that befell them after the war, as Stalin duplicated his repressive rule at home, are ignored, as is the fact that the Soviet presence in East Europe was clearly an imperial one, indicated by the fact that the weakening of the USSR led to the immediate disintegration of the Warsaw Treaty.

Mr Gleb Pavlovsky, a leading Kremlin ideologist, has remarked angrily that for some people, '1945 was not a year when fascism was destroyed, but rather a year when East Europe was occupied'.

These notions of Stalin and the Soviet regime explain why Solzhenitsyn's major work was not part of Mr Putin's speech. One might then wonder why Solzhenitsyn has become important to the Russian President. It is true that Solzhenitsyn is more favourably disposed to Mr Putin than to former president Boris Yeltsin, whom he saw as launching a path disastrous for Russia. But Solzhenitsyn received the award only after seven years of Mr Putin's rule. The reason is simple. The West increasingly sees Mr Putin's Russia as restoring an authoritarian, neo-Soviet nature and thus as not acceptable as an equal. Incorporation into the West, especially 'Old Europe', is the strongest desire of the Russian elite. Mr Putin's re-discovery of the Nobel laureate, leader of the Russian dissident movement, is a bid to show the current regime's distance from the Soviet past.

Solzhenitsyn's emphasis on religion is also needed by the Russian elite to create an internal image of a benign moral society based on collaboration and harmony among the members of one, mostly Orthodox, family.

By this award to Solzhenitsyn, President Putin wished to show how different present-day Russia is from the USSR. Yet in his 'selective' reading of the writer's huge literary output, Mr Putin has followed the Soviet authorities, who also 'selectively' appealed to the aspects of great Russian writers that suited their needs.

Following this tradition, Mr Putin has transformed the greatest living Russian writer and virulent critic of the totalitarian regime into an obscure philologist.


The writer is associate professor of history at Indiana University South Bend in the United States.

2007年6月28日星期四

温雨

上帝挥打那万能的鞭子
驱赶瘟神的闷热
巨响穿过梦乡 惊吓游魂
驻足在灰飞烟灭的悸动之中

肉体横躺在静静的棉被
呼应小熊的拥抱
灰水带来尘埃 洗去烦闷
消失在余温未散的清新里头

这是盛夏的第一场雨
冷热交替着灵魂与肉体
心的归宿 寻向何处
徘徊在不斥炎炎不畏风雨不见彩虹的蜿蜒道路

2007年6月27日星期三

遥控风筝

遥控风筝 以半月为背景
打破深蓝安详的沉静
路人旅途上无意暂停
难以平息的 却是怜悯

不愿问你 何以忐忑不定
含着泪冲向瓦房屋顶
没有白线的如影随形
摆脱不了的 却是宿命

嘶叫与哀叹的交替
好似布满荆棘的灰色黎明
挖开伤疤密布的心灵
祈祷游戏结束后的万里天晴

(Blind) 5 years old girl on Piano - Variety Show (Korea)

She never learned piano b4.. That's God's gift for her i guess..

[Kpop] You were born to be loved




To my Mama in Heaven, Papa, Bro and all those who've made a presence in my life thus far..

Dang shin eun, sarang bat gi wi han te oh nan saram
~You were born to be loved,

Dang shin eh salm sok eh suh, nl sarang bat go it jiyo
~you are being loved in your life.

Ne jo gm han, shi jak dwen hananim eh sarang eun,
uri eh man naml tong he, yeol meh rl met go,
~Through our meeting, God's love that has been from the beginning comes to bear fruits.

Dang shin yi yi se sang eh jon je haneuro yin he, uri eh eol ma nan km, gi pm yi dwe neun ji...
~How great is our joy because of you in this world!

Chorus:

Dang shin eun, sarang bat gi wi han te oh nan saram
~You were born to be loved.

Ji gm do g sarang, bat go it ji yo... [2x]
~You are being loved now. [2x]

Ji gm do g sarang, bat go it ji yo...
~You are being loved now

2007年6月26日星期二

《关怀方式》






经典的歌曲,之所以经典,就在于我们长大了,歌曲还是那一首。

12年前听这首歌,脑海中是《七月俏佳人》的剧情,因而感动。

“寂寞开在心事旁,
随手种一些伤感,
不让星星来窥探,
找个沉默的夜晚。”

12年后听这首歌,心坎满是爱情路上的一步一脚印,因而感慨。

“我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉,
只能在你不经意时才锁上我心房。
你往常的亲切友善,是我今生的遗憾,
受伤后无悔地埋在不流露的脸上。”

再过12年,会以怎么样的心情去感受这百年不变的情歌呢?

“找个沉默的夜晚,
不让星星来窥探,
随手种一些伤感,
寂寞开在心事旁。”

2007年6月25日星期一

[转载] 夜有小雨

很漂亮的一篇美文……

● 吴韦材

  雨大约是在近午夜时下的,不很清楚。下雨的时候,或许我室内身边还有着温暖的灯光,因此没有察觉。

  但这雨,终究还是下了。

  不是大雨。只是小雨。静悄悄就能把整片地上湿遍,并且湿得很滑很滑那种。一不仔细,人的心就会撞撞跌跌。

  有个古老说法。说端午下雨,是有一只蛟从江里翻上来,翻上来就腾云造雨。但端午这只蛟,并非祥物,它的雨只会带来瘟疫疟痢,人们都忌畏它,想设法赶走它。不知道端午划龙舟风俗与这个有无干系,但肯定不是一个喜悦的传说。

  五月初五出世,据说古时很多人都不要这天出生的孩子,怕是不祥邪物。不幸地,我很小就看到这些文字记载,更不幸地,我从小就信以为真。长大虽然知道那是无稽之谈,端午正是春尽而进入炎夏之际,难免百虫毒物出动,因此人们都要辟邪魔,还要门口置放菖蒲、艾条和挂桃木剑,啊我就在这样一个历史上弥漫过硫磺烟熏的早上出世,呵呵,幸好冒出来那时不是一条蛇。

  窗外的小雨静得像完全无声。其实不然。雨声虽极微,却是一清二楚的。只见停车场上都停着一部部主人已经回家甜甜安睡而留下它们还在雨里的车辆。一辆,两辆,三辆,有辆还忘了熄灭车尾灯,整个晚上,好像它就在那里等候随时转身出现的主人。

  这月份出世的人据说都极理智。一就是一,二就是二,只有通过真正的认识才算是事实的明白。而且很相信自己的手,也很相信自己的脚,从不买梦想成真那个账。所以我只相信一切去做。只有做,才能活下来。幸好如此。那一辈子就不必故意扮作多愁善感。而且当人说你潇洒豁达的时候还可以直认不韪,认到一天连自己也相信自己是个很潇洒豁达的人为止。

  做人时能够有些自我暗示或许还是不错的。很小我就能把自己这点“邪魔”想象成自己的“叛逆特色”。呵呵,能多么不一样就多么不一样,而且还是很理所当然地。年轻时真觉得过瘾,荆棘满布就当作野餐花园,别人以为扛不起的,一骨碌就吞下,舔舔嘴还跟人嘴硬说好滋味。结果慢慢就习惯,大半辈子也就那么走过来,这样的自我暗示除了带点阿Q安慰,至少日子过得也不至于承认失落痛苦。命运多舛没事,多舛就当游戏,坎坷时就有如过山车,一晃数十寒暑,还能站在露台上,那已属大幸。

  所以这雨,没什么,虽然今晚它下得点滴在心,那就让它好好下一阵吧。心不妨凉一下,没事的,心能凉一下或许更能清楚感觉到自己的一颗心在哪里。
终于看到街上有个夜归人了。从楼上望下去,他的所有动作都非常爽利纯熟。或许就是个夜归惯的。或许这人还没想到过,假如他以后有天他不再夜归那晚上他还能做什么好。人或许就是那样,做着每天的事,一天一天就过去了,假如突然间问他的话,回首不是很清楚,而以后也还是未知数。我怎么都看不到那人的脸,但我想,他也许还是年轻的。

  面前就只有雨。好像觉得自己想了很多,但来个深呼吸后又好像什么都没想过。

  原来窗外小雨虽还下着,我自己心里的雨,却已经放晴了。

2007年6月24日星期日

无意的文字

对自己的母亲,许多人总有那么多说不出口的感激与愧疚。母子关系,有时就像是码头和船只的关系。船只期盼着入港,找寻能为自己挡风遮雨的归宿;码头,默默伫立在那里,失落地看船离开,却也因为有离开才有归来,同时怀着期盼之心等待船的返回。船和码头皆能真正安心的时刻,也许只能是人皆入眠的静谧夜晚,以无声的闪烁明星为见证。

失去了我的码头,也许好像没什么,但心的抽搐,实在是只有自己知道。无谓的思念,干燥的泪眼,原来不孝子就是这般下场。爱的来不及表达,爱的难以表达,爱的无法表达,难免让人懊恼,却也因为情感是不动声色的,因此伴随带有一阵温度的潜流。

好似迷路,却好似在树叶的缝隙中,时刻看到北斗星的光辉。已不知道是生是死,是人是鬼,是我是你是他,是爱是恨,是悔是悲,是热是冷,是明是暗……更不知道,是夙兴或是夜寐。

只知道,原来庆幸生命有个终点。

2007年6月20日星期三

[转载]山的虚荣光环

● 阿龙

  在大海与山之间,一直都觉得后者比较酷。山没有大海的动感,只能屹立在大地之上无法移动。山虽是静态的,却让变幻无穷的天色反照出自己的情绪以及面目。每一天,甚至是每一秒的山都是不同的。山不动声色地变动着。这就是山的酷。

  人总爱用“征服”的字眼去描述登上一座山的举动。但山不会去征服,也不会被征服。登上了山顶,就算是征服了一座山,只是山依然故我,不为所动。埃德蒙· 希拉里(Edmund Hillary) 是“第一个”登上珠峰的人,登山后的名言更是:“我们终于把那杂种给干了。”(We have knocked off that bastard)。被“干”后的珠峰仍然傲视四方,无动于衷。

  埃德蒙·希拉里登上珠峰至今已过了半个世纪之久。在他之后,更有不少的人相继登上珠峰。借着精密的器材、金钱的后盾以及雪巴人的向导,许多人前前后后登上了珠峰,戴上了珠峰的光环。登山后紧接着就是各式各样的荣耀以及荣衔。媒体的镁光灯更是闪烁不停,众人的赞语更是响不绝耳。那些带领这些人登上珠峰的雪巴人的“功绩”与“伟大”则相形失色。

  借着人类的纪录,纽西兰人希拉里更成了“有史以来”第一个登上珠峰的人。这个纪录让他一举成名。只是这个“有史”是有偏向的,纪录的只是那些对纪录者“有用”的“事实”。雪巴人是否比希拉里更早登上珠峰一点都不重要。

  与山一起生活与呼吸的雪巴人应该是登上珠峰的第一人。可惜无“纪录”或照片可以证明。这些洞悉山的脉搏的雪巴人与山溶为一体,登上珠峰或是其他山顶,更无需别人的荣衔和掌声来肯定。
  每一座山都是独特的。一些人欣赏的则是山的高度与名气。因为虚荣最美。

  有些人要观赏的并不是山,而是自己;要征服的不是山,而是自己。山只是手段,而不是目的地。

  山静静地屹立着,以一种姿态应对着时间的流逝和天色的变换。山体现了泰然处之的静态美。如此的沉着与冷静,更让人类汲汲于征服的心态变得无比的滑稽和幼稚。

2007年6月17日星期日

[Kpop] SAD movie OST






SAD movie, a show I enjoyed quite a lot. Comprising many well-known artistes including Che Tai Xian from "My sassy girl", it has 4 interlinked stories telling of life's sadness and sorrow, from BGR to kinship. A movie like this is just like a cup of Kopi-O without sugar, telling you pain is life's constant and true happiness lies in not conquering pain but accepting it as it is - just like the way we should face our imminent End...

2007年6月15日星期五

散文涂鸦:《透视》

打破凉爽夜晚的沉静,是一种罪过。

但是,只有毁灭者的存在,才能有新生命的焕发。

幼苗消解稚嫩,成为粗壮的大树,却从不忘记:往上伸,往上生。为了阳光,为了蓝天,为了美景……

单纯与理想,真的是两码事。

也许,心的悸动,在于温室终于只剩下颓垣断瓦。冷风过境,带来一阵雁号孤野,鸟鸣北林。

但是,如果坚信自己没有忘记,总能找到幕天席地的胸怀。

毕竟,鸢飞戾天,鱼跃于渊。遗弃的过去,原来是一座不起眼的象牙塔。

走着走着,山顶见丘,山脚见坟。已不畏白杨萧萧,

只在泱漭赴势的涛浪声中,遥想大禹投胎为愚公的滑稽。

后记:
这篇短文,献给寻找前途中不丧失纯洁与气节的兄弟。但是,发声的缘由,在于自己无法释怀的心结,因此也许每个人对内容的阐释都不同吧。赠答诗(文学)的特点,也许在于作者原初的情怀,消解殆尽。表面上看起来是鼓励兄弟的文字,蕴含着我那叫不出声却没勇气呐喊的莫名惆怅与失落感。坦然的胸怀,也只是一种学会爱惜死亡的人生观,却还未给予我足够向前的力量,因此也只能是在原地做我的愚公梦。

G.O.D - UhMuhNimKkeh

Never knew love for mother can be expressed in "rap" mode as this.. Very old Korean song, a classic I would say..

[Kpop] Goong S Prince Hours OST






Don't know the title of this song, just came across it recently. Sang by J, the same female singer who sang "Perhaps love" with Howl for Goong 1.

[转载] 文学批评:魔鬼与天使的对弈——试析英培安的《我与我自己的二三事》


在我的日记中,曾有这样的记载:

傲慢,是无形的敌人。

不只是因为它的形成如此不动声色,还在于它难以斩草除根,在意识稍微松懈的时候,便暗地里扔一块石头、射一只毒箭。

几乎忘了当初自己进入“PSC scholars”这个exclusive club时那种“圈外人”的感觉。不算顶尖学府出生的学子,与那些有着一股高不可攀之气的名校生并驾齐驱,不论自内自外,换来的都是异样眼光。不协调的结果,容易让人失去自我,幸而自己从未泥足深陷。以自我特殊的主张和作风,展现自己的本性与潜质,对内赢得别人的真心敬佩,对外保持平易近人的心态,真诚地奖掖后进。

然而,傲慢却在不打破平衡的情况下袭来。心里不自觉的“你我之分”,渐渐变成“高低之别”。以知识分子自居,意味着自己在广场的中心,周围的人不过是听众;以政策制定者自居,尽管有意试图做到“任个性而求整体”,肯定每个教师的主观能动性,却因此厌恶那些看似随波逐流、毫无个人见解的同行,更反感“上有政策,下有对策”成为纯粹消极的概念。

也许,我忘了并非每个教师都将工作当成生命。

也许,获得奖学金那一刻开始,意味着责任的递加将伴随着荣誉的提升,而自己却还不习惯这个岗位。

难怪圣人会说:“君子戒慎乎其所不睹,恐惧乎其所不闻。莫见乎隐,莫显乎微,故君子慎其独也。”


很多时候,年轻的我总不去注意社会的现实。也许,是注意到一些现象,然后情愿告诉自己:历史会为自己的问题找到答案的。但是,看了关于《我与我自己的二三事》的批评文章,竟会莫名地流下眼泪,可见心灵深处仍旧自知眼前的荆棘满地,隐约窥探到不远的未来,自己将会面临的窘境——理想被现实的冲淡、育人中必须用尽各种手段敲开孩子心门的疲惫、名利的恶魔性引诱、忘了原初的梦的可怖,以及,将这几年的文字完全遗弃的尘埃覆盖的黑暗角落的盲目与麻木。

不断反问自己,有多少能耐去防止自我的侵蚀?也许,只有时间能解开这个谜。总之,希望即使没有能力“说教”,也不会失去2年前写下《我与我的答客问》时,那种正视并挖掘纠结着的理性与感性的自己的勇气与真诚。

夜晚明星般的澄明,愿它一辈子守护着我。

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

● 陈晞哲

  本地作家英培安的小说《我与我自己的二三事》在今年初被评选为“2006亚洲周刊中文十大小说”之一,同时入选的有中国大陆及台湾作家的作品,如李锐的《太平风物》、苏伟贞的《时光队伍》、余华的《兄弟》、苏童的《碧奴》等。

  《文艺城》发表两位属于不同世代的作者阅读《我与我自己的二三事》后撰写的评论,希望能从不同视角给读者介绍这部得奖小说。上星期已刊出《华校生最后的叹息》,这是第二篇。

  凡是伟大的灵魂的伟大审问者,同时也一定是伟大的犯人。审问者在台上举劾他的恶,犯人在阶下陈述他自己的善;审问者在灵魂中揭发污秽,犯人在所揭发的污秽中阐明那埋葬的光耀。这样,就显出灵魂的深。——鲁迅

存在先于本质:我和我自己的角力

   《我与我自己的二三事》与其说是一个凭吊道德文化的叙事文学,倒不如说是一个“想象的群体”提喻的共业所衍生的快意文字。文中的第一人称“我”和第三人 称“他”同寄生于一具皮囊中,却有着迥然矛盾的个性,宛如两个分别来自于天堂和地狱的魂灵依附在一副无辜的凡夫躯壳中同生共栖,既彼此依赖又相互怨怼。

   弗洛伊德(Freud)认为自然欲望和伦理道德本来就是互不两立的,文中的“我”对世俗的存在价值是绝对典型的功利主义,而“他”偏偏却是择善固执的 “君子喻于义”的信徒。“他”对“我”40年的耳提面命,造就了一个谨小慎微,不敢越雷池半步的好好先生;然而“我”却不甘于做个藉藉无名的报馆小记者, 于是在一次矛盾冲突后的“我”毅然决定在不惑之年驱逐“我自己”,做一个卸下道德包袱、纯粹为一己私欲而活的人。“我”终于为存在的自由找到空间,放浪形 骸的“我”和道貌岸然的“他”做了绝然的切割,从小那个常和自己说话、玩耍的洪国辉变成了一个正常的会追逐名利的凡胎,不再是教父母和周边的人担忧的“人 格分裂”疑似病患。

  在世人眼中,和自己喃喃自语的行为是精神错乱的症状,但文中的主角却从小就和自己对话、争论,是一种未丧失自省本能 的表现。每当主角做出不符合道德规范的行为时,“我自己”就会训斥“我”并循循善诱,即便在被驱逐的十数年之中“他”也会时不时守候在“我”的身边,在紧 要时刻化身镜中人督导“我”的过失。人格分裂的两极反复拉扯着“我”的良知,放逐深具道德意识的“自己”换来了富贵荣华但也失去最珍贵的亲情,“我”在末 了忏悔之余不断写信给“自己”以救赎罪愆。在物欲世界载浮载沉的我们是否也失落了“自己”,偶尔的反躬自省(心中和自己对话)有可能是“他”在耳边的提醒 方式么?

  在“我”和“他”决裂之前,读者看到忧戚与共的“两者”在报馆选择对象时有各自的坚持而不禁莞尔,注重内在美的“他”喜欢温柔 贤淑却相貌平凡的美兰,但好色浅薄的“我”却对漂亮放荡的康妮心荡神驰;作者描绘主人翁的情欲挣扎很是鲜明生动,小时候偷窥霞姐的段落有“我”和“他”源 于好奇心使然的“共谋”,对女性胴体的遐想是“他”也不能抗拒的龌龊,“我”的手淫更肇始于“他”对身体本能的原始探索,是以“我”对“他”的道德劝说往 往嗤之以鼻,因为这种“共犯结构”的联系让“彼此”相互依存又相互唾弃。

后殖民余绪的点拨:哀哀华校生的无奈

  书中的主人翁是早年典型的华校生,毕业自旧南大中文系的“我”不断慨叹学中文出路窄,没前途。新加坡曾 是英国殖民地,独立后虽换人当家了却还是一个处处以英文当道的社会,甚至有过之而无不及。“我”为当年那些反殖民统治的同学不值,并埋怨“我自己”没把英 文搞好,更追悔母亲当年把自己送入华校而被误了一生。

  如此的铺陈其实确切地反映了一代人的心声,虽然当中不无反讽的意味。曾经,华校生 的自卑是一种“集体意识”,华文的没落是一段无可消磨的历史(现在仍是进行式),政治现实一度(相当长时间)赋予英校生无可比拟的制高点,出身华校的“末 代学子”窘迫的就业处境拼接出一代华校生的“绵绵怅恨”,“我”的独子文彬就是1980年代非常典型的英校生,毫不遮掩鄙视华文的傲慢心态,看在这些茕茕 而行的华校生眼里无疑是胸口永远的创痛。

  社会环境要比自然环境对人的影响来得深远,生在一个多元种族的社会,英文至高的意识压倒一切仿 佛是无可避免的宿命,但接受现实的不可逆转并不代表就从此了无愤慨。英培安也是出身中文系,并曾是为文化传灯的尖兵,也为此付出过牢狱的代价。心中块垒的 浇溉也许付托给文学才是最无悔的抉择,念兹在兹的所爱虽死犹生,就像小说中的主角虽然醉生梦死却潜意识里并未舍弃母族文化的根本,纵然一度他的藏书只是一 种附庸风雅的“文化美容”。

  走过殖民的苍茫历史,独立后的小岛却步入永劫不复的后殖民梦魇。生于1947年的英培安先生比笔者的母亲还 年长一岁,我当然不可能和他是感同身受的一代人,对文化属性的失落和诘问是永远没有答案的吊诡议题。作为一个华校匿迹后的第二代英校生,我却实在经历并见 证过同侪对华文的践踏。英培安过去的作品对英校生如何糟蹋中华文化的针砭是很有力道的,反观此篇小说对这一方面的批判虽不忘穿插着墨,但说教的意味明显含 蓄了不少。

  相对于“我”和“他”,小说里的莉莉和洁仪、康妮和美兰的反差也是很显著的。完全迥异的人格特质,恰如英校生之于华校生泾渭 分明的二元对立,毫无转圜的余地。莉莉的跋扈对照洁仪的内敛,康妮的放浪反衬美兰的婉约,就如“我”的虚妄无情在在彰显“他”的刚直有道。“世界主义”是 群体想象的乌托邦,浓缩的小众社群尚且不能摈弃非此即彼的矛盾,如何希冀不同肤色与族别的人不相互倾扎、猜疑?所以我们一直铭记仅有的一次种族冲突的血的 教训,所以我们的政府对种族和谐的努力不敢掉以轻心,所以英文是我们不得不折衷的社会润滑剂。华族对母语的哀悼不是孤立的,马来族和印族也有生在非单一民 族社会的无奈吧!

  小说中的“我”甩掉“自己”后虽然跻身文化名流,但号称“儒商”的“我”实际上却沉溺于声色犬马,不可自拔的物欲横流 昭显的是一个淹没性灵的渊薮,浮沉其中的行尸走肉何尝不是隐喻那些失根忘本的游魂?因此,“我”在弥留之际对往昔的追忆隐含了不少“纪实的虚构”,大企业 家梦碎的“我”是在忏悔当初抛弃“自己”的罪愆,更是在还原(restore)初始的暧昧记忆(ambivalent memory)。

文学的救赎:荒诞的写实vs写实的荒诞

  现代小说的写作往往就是要颠覆传统的叙事陈规,所以卡夫卡留给了我们一只悲剧收场的魔幻变形甲虫;鲁迅的《狂人日记》里的被害妄想症看似荒诞不经,其实我们心底深处都对弱肉强食的社会架构心有戚戚焉,纵然它在不同时代蜕化成文明的形态永续存在。

   鲁迅在《狂人日记》的文末发出“救救孩子”的呼号,无独有偶,此篇小说中的主人翁在感悟追逐名利后的无边虚空后,发现无法解开心结的儿子的功利心态简直 就是本身的翻版,唯恐孩子重蹈一己的后尘而希冀儿子身上的那个“自己”能救救这个孩子。海德格尔(Martin Heidegger)在《存在与时间》说过“烦忙在世与烦神在世”的事实,生活的忙碌侵夺了我们对自己灵魂进行自我观照和反省的能力。文中的“我”对父 母、妻儿的漠然寡情,对名利财富的狂热追求,投射出时下精英分子舍本逐末的价值观。“我”的儿子对人文精神不屑一顾,前妻在离异后远赴香港就学“找回自 己”,至亲心态的两极反差带给“我”的震撼也是作者对本地华人在文化本位的迷失和归真的一种反思。作者不能释怀的文化缺憾在洁仪身上找到了解放的出口,洁 仪出走本域后的脱胎换骨是“我”的一次震撼教育,“我”的懊悔无所遁形却积重难返;沉湎爱欲的漩涡让“我”在上海南京路乍见依旧年青的“他”的愤懑身影消 失在茫茫人海中,相形见绌的“我”到头来只是一个人财两空的糟老头,镜中的“自己”就此再也召唤不来。

维特根斯坦(Wittgenstein)用格言的形式告诫自己:忏悔必须成为你的新生活的一部分。于是“我”在惶惑中只能不断给“自己”写信忏悔,对父母的 负疚、对老友的背叛、对前妻的离弃、对儿子的亏欠,都在一再的告解中啃噬刚刚苏醒的良心。俱往矣,就像书中那枚拆解后再也装不回胯下的小肉团的魔幻指涉, “我”却在恍惚中渴盼着人生的倒带重来。衰败的躯体满盈的悔恨在幻觉中得到母亲的反复盥洗,冷漠以待的文彬突然又回到牙牙学语的幼年,逝去的父母前嫌尽弃 重修旧好,“我”和浪迹归来的“自己”仿佛又回到了小桌子底下的那片天地。难道,“我”的痛悔有了神奇回应吗?

  天使的笑越来越狰狞,魔鬼完成了 诱惑的大任,死神是时候到来收成。人生没有重来一回的神话,“我自己”终究回到“我”身边陪着一起走完最后一程。通篇小说由始至终围绕着一个主体的意识流 叙事,从“我”和“我自己”的对话中旁设时代背景的氛围和周遭人物的面貌,没有恢宏叙事(Grand Narrative)的企图心,场景的搭筑最鲜明的也仅是辉仔和父母蜗居小坡旧楼的插叙;除了“我”和“他”之外,其他人物犹如走马灯快速地在主人翁的一 生闪现,出场最多的反而是和“我”臭味相投的莉莉,一个最终让“我”饱尝被背叛的报应的拜金主义者。

  叙事过程虚构了一个名字叫人喷饭的 文化名人,“谭八力”令人不觉想起国学大师熊十力,但作者要嘲讽的当然不是这位写过“新唯识论”的牛脾气哲学家,他的辛辣刻薄针对的是某些假装谦怀超脱的 文化界人士。“他”借着“我”的手笔撰稿讽今刺名,虽然得罪了有靠山的“谭八力”却赢得业界的尊敬;然而后来的“我”却为了攀附权贵而阿谀“谭八力”,那 时“他”已携着可贵却无用的善良本质被放逐于个体之外,“我”的随波逐流导向了看似如鱼得水却堕落颓靡的虚无状态。这段描写无疑是对攀龙附凤的媚俗者所给 予的有利批判,看过钱钟书的《围城》,曾为钱钟书借罗素等哲学名家的话语狠狠鞭笞“伪文人”的文字所倾倒的读者,就会对英培安的尖酸到位感到似曾相识。

   “我”的人格从不惑之年开始变形,直到临死前的几年才回归本质亟欲找回“自己”。在良知的审判台上,我们看到“我”的悔悟最大的转折始于自身的失败落 拓,作者也许要铺排的是处处见微知著的深刻蕴涵,而不愿太偏离经验写实的场景,因此我们看到的这个“我”的缩影身上镂刻的时代悲怆似乎单薄了些。

  即便卢梭也在《忏悔录》中举劾自己的恶,然而虚妄的世界一经消解,我们蓦然回首:原来生命的救赎,也不过是重新聆听反璞以后童稚的自己。

2007年6月6日星期三

知识与人生

人生有太多盲点,让我们最后只在原地打转。

在迷宫般的人生中走着、走着,拾起这个,忘了那个,犹如拳握细沙,难免或多或少会漏出一些。

当然,可以选择只握一下把,但也许是人的兴趣和活下去的热忱成正比吧,欲望只能是相对遏制。

不过,如果先明白了一个生命的整体轮廓,就能极力弥补缺漏,也能在专注于某一个“点”时,不至于沉迷而忘了世界原来是一个矛盾统一的有机体。

当然,在整体中,不同的构成部分,幽明参差,有些知道了而始终坚守,有些明白了就“得意忘言”,有些自以为明白了,但得到了更多知识后,才知道原来是偏见或鄙见,有些可能一辈子都如游魂一般若隐若现,捉摸不定。

大千世界,千奇百怪;置身其中,无可否认的是,我们永远是中心。一切的理解、阐释、发挥、创造,只能是自己的。即使“吾丧我”,也始终会一个“我”的位格(persona)存在。

于是,学习中的自觉,源于自己时时刻刻的存在。学习的结果,往往在于抓住大而泛的原则。前者与后者的调和,就能让生命置于知识当中,并让知识服务于人的本性与自己的全部生命。

也正因这样,对知识的渴求、对文化累积的透视、对自己的完成,以及,对生与死同等的爱,就不难获取内心的真实。

武林秘籍,十有八九要告诉我们的,难道不是这一点吗?此乃手中无器,心中有剑;胸有成竹,心手合一。

2007年6月5日星期二

圣道上的夏日祷告

刺辣的双眼,凝视黄金包裹的大地

蔚蓝的天,低低飘着零散的白棉

绿红黄白,横竖点缀凌乱的构图

令人感激的风,吹过大道小径

玻璃上点点尘埃,阻挡不了信徒清晰的透视


音符高低婉转,奏响

一支天堂城堡的乐曲

温热,不知是身是心

犹如静谧湖面一滴一滴

泛起令人彷徨而向往的层层涟漪

2007年5月31日星期四

Forgetting the Self within the Vastness

It is not often that a person can pick up a teddy bear, and feel his heartbeat resonating with that of the teddy's. How often have I neglected Alfred's emotion-filled pearly eyes, his gentle smile that never fails to pull fallen angels up, his outstretched hands ever ready to give a warm hug - in all to piece together dreams, aspirations, emotions, and everything human that are torn, pierced, shattered by the inhumane...

The philosophy of the Tao may prove too daunting for many, or for those who try to go near it, the difficulty of not being able to find anything comprehensible by straining the eyes too much on the words that don't mean much tend to throw people off-track.

Yet, how hard is it really to forget the Self within the Vastness of the Universe - I'm talking about the Human Universe, the world we've constructed with our cognition, affection and the soul- and soaring beyond mere pragmatic existence?

Perhaps, I seem to be talking Zen.
Perhaps, I seem to be advocating something non-secular.
Perhaps, I seem to be trying too hard to sound sophisticated.
Perhaps, I seem to just be talking crap.

But let us return to Alfred.

Some may say, it's pathetic when I have to turn to a "dead" bear for comfort. Others just think I'm crazy.

What I want to say, though, is that many out there may have been treating the people around them the way they see Alfred - "dead".

Yes, it takes a lot of self-consciousness to maintain a "wall-less" relationship between humans. However, sometimes, it takes even more to ascertain our own existence. Why you are even where you are and who you are seem a lot more daunting than trying to understand the Tao mentioned above.

Well, have you for a moment threw away all concepts and relied on just your intuition?

Have you ever experienced that "soaring" effect, like a seagull set against a background of half-ocean and half-sky?

Have you ever, for a second, tried to forget who you are? Obscured your own presence from your mind?

What it means to be human, really, is this one moment of self-elimination. In losing memory of who we are, the heart opens itself up, the soul naked before a world of treasure and pollution.

Bring this state of being one level up, and put someone else in place of the usual person occupying the seat of "You" - that's true humanitarian.

Before reaching bottle-neck, I seek to be human.

In trying to find and express the true love that wants nothing in return, I try to be humanitarian.

I've written about "revitalisation of the soul". What I just realized is that perhaps it's time to see myself as dead, and Alfred as alive.

Perhaps, this is the only way we can hope to eliminate selfishness - such that hearts can finally bond and the wall between me and you can finally crumble and vanish into dust.

If this is too hard to understand, please, use your intuition.