A letter to someone I cared about

Let me begin with today's horoscope from SCMP:

Inspiration comes in many forms and at the moment they're likely to come from unexpected sources. This being the case don't worry about other people's moods or your own anxiety if you don't find enlightenment immediately. Trust that it will come in the next few weeks.

Finally, something that seems to be very relevant for me.

These days, I have been worried about your silence. Not that I need comfort or whatever, but because in the past you'd always tell me that you are just busy and that I don't have to worry, but this time round you are unusually quiet. I cannot but uncontrollably think whether something not good has happened, though in my heart I'm praying it's not. This is especially so since you mentioned before that your loved ones are not in good health. So you see, I am not pestering you because I want attention or whatever. I am just worried. All I need from you is simply "oh, you've been thinking too much. Everything's fine, don't worry". Just one sentence, to set my heart at ease.

The reason why I am so concerned is because while most of my other friends will be forthcoming when they face problems, you seem to like to hide your feelings thinking that this is the way to show that you can handle everything well. It's not wrong, except that it sometimes makes those who care about you feel lost and worried because the real side never shows itself. If you can be frank in what's happening in your life and your feelings, I think you wouldn't see such a kind of worried response from me.

Having to hide one's feelings is a pathetic state of being. I've been through the same phase, so I know. Rather than being strong, on hindsight, I see it as a form of escapism and cowardice. Precisely because we lack confidence, that's why we need to hide in a shell like a hermit and hope that we can deal with things or simply hope they'll blow over soon.

It is also such a kind of personality that makes it tiring to care for you as a friend.

That said, you know I seldom give up totally on people. What I have decided, however, is that if you still remain to stay like this, I will certainly have to stay further away, because getting myself overly involved is painful for me too, in case you don't know. There's a metaphor that goes, if the sand keeps slipping through your fingers, let them be and don't bother to hold them back, for you'll never will.

I think it is true that after going through a phase where I helped to heal a little bit of your broken heart, you would like to move on relying more on yourself. I acknowledge that, and so, do whatever you want and live in the way that you think you can find happiness. I don't need reciprocation in any form, because like the horoscope said, inspiration comes in many forms. If I have a healing hand, I would like to use it on those who need it more.

So, feel free to contact me whenever my help is needed. Otherwise, I will presume that you are living well, and you can just focus on the piece(s) of the jigsaw that you feel is most important now - which I would presume to be work and family. So long as we live with a peaceful heart and mind, that's enough, isn't it?

Just a few last words. I am writing in the most cool-headed mood, and all I want to say is, all my pestering calls and mails just seek the answer to this one question of "are you fine". That's all. But if you feel that work and other commitments are holding you back from giving me something as simply as even that, then I think I shall respect you. It is just that you have to realize that occasional spurts of "bad blood" will inevitably spoil relationships and distant people. We may think we have reason for feeling how we feel and for choosing to hide away, but always remember that this is ultimately being self-centred. Whether it is with family, your love partner or friends, never condone yourself to negligence because of the problems you are facing. Otherwise, the day when you finally step out of your own shadow, you will realize that most of the doors beyond yourself would have closed on you. When that day comes, you may not get any responses no matter how hard you knock - and you'll be all the more isolated.

That's all I hope you can understand. It's not the first time I'm saying things like this. I know, you'll say you need time, and "slowly and surely" things will change. I seriously hope so. In the meantime, I shall go on to my other focuses in life, and seeking inspiration in those other aspects. There is no longer any anticipation on my part of your responses or "long letters", because in case you don't know, waiting is a terrible chore.

I shall begin with mountain-climbing this evening. In the past, I may have hope that you'll be able to share the sceneries with me. Today, however, I think I'll feel contented just being on my own, and feeling at ease with seeing you like a passing cloud above the mountains, ever-moving and disappearing from sight after a while.

The smile has not been lost on my face, and I hope it is the same with you. =)