Confession: A prayer to God

There comes a time in life when one is rooted to an uncomfortable spot, but sees a promising landscape ahead of him that he can't wait to charge forward - though the road to the destination is concealed by foliage and god knows what creepy crawlies are hidden in the midst of it all.

A part of me says, "let's go, the journey will be interesting"; the other says, "go take a nap, you're tired".
The former whispers, "you will find inspiration - as it is, you already have a direction isn't it?" The other replies, "come on, isn't it time for dinner? Go take a walk".
The former hints, "didn't you promise to accomplish something before the end of the month, to prove to your mum that you're still the old resilient self?"
The other nudges at me, "You are afraid aren't you? Afraid of having to be faced with another challenge like today?"
The former pauses. "Look," he says. "You know you want to do something. You have a rough idea of what you want to achieve."
The other remains silent - deafening silence, and gives a sly smile.
"The thing admirable about the human spirit," the former continues, "is that you know others trust you. Even without full faith in your own capability, try while you can. You'll never know what you can achieve at the end."
The silent me interjects. "You know you are lonely isn't it? You know you want to rely on your close friends and brothers. You know power is at play, and the stakeholders at different levels of the education system harbour their own agendas. There is nothing as trust."

Shut up!

"Yes, I need to eat and sleep well", I say to the optimist.

"But", to the pessimist, "you know I have faith in what I'm doing. And I know that while close friends are often silent, I have faith in them - unwavering belief that they are there for me. The only thing now is, I no longer want to rely on them because I know my own shoulders can bear more weight than theirs can withstand my leaning head. Liberation comes from within me. As for the stakeholders, let me keep faith in the belief that so long as I am doing something to improve learning standards for the children, they will not see me as harbouring personal goals or feel pressurized by my presence. I do not seek to dominate. I only hope to bring the state of things one level up. Sincerity shall beget help and trust, I hope."

And so, I move forward. Fatigue becomes an impetus to push myself on.

If things were easy, what does the society need scholars for? Taxpayers sponsored me to contribute to the system, didn't they?

All I ask for is Trust. I will not hide from my own feelings or conceal my weakness, but I hope true friends, whom I've always tried to be there for, will not be surprised at my confession of helplessness. Instead, may they know that beneath all the whining lies a soul who tries to preserve his strength by keeping a pure faith in his task at hand. May boundaries of the heart be overcome, and let love enshrine all. That is, after all, what education is all about.

May God hear my prayers.

- A sole leaf flying in the wind, hoping he will land on the ground soon and fertilize the next tree that grows from the mud in which he slowly disappears...