德国剧作家布莱西特曾在看梅兰芳的戏曲表演后，提出“疏离效果”。演员扮演的，不是剧中人物，而是成为embodiment of an idea。
如果，我们都是生命的演员，那么，把自己和自己“疏离”，我不再是陈炜雄，而是一个理念，那时，我会是什么样子？把人格分裂，再重新组装，这场游戏，怎么玩？
2008年10月31日星期五
休止在维多利亚港
今天的维多利亚港，淡雾披肩。
以为是我的眼睛
望见艳阳折射的白绸
以为在暗自聆听
绿色海浪闪烁的抖擞
黄花发蕊，百里飘香
以为就我一个人
感受着微风阵阵的温柔。
直到看见正在学步的孩子，还不会跨步却必须牵着爸爸下楼梯，有妈妈抱却只注意身旁洗地的阿嫂，我才知道，为何今天的海港并不美。
我不愿意再将情感的起伏不定归咎于她。我痛恨的，是自己。痛恨自己的软弱，痛恨自己的迟疑，痛恨自己的懒散，痛恨自己的不惜福。我把太多的东西，当成了理所当然。看到了一个双眼失明的学生，我才知道原来自己是个瞎子。看到路边的乞丐，我才发觉原来我如此富裕。感受到了身躯的疲惫，我才知道，原来从来就不懂得善待自己。
而此刻，我才明白，她在透过我的眼睛看世界。她在与我一同经历人生的一切波折。她在聆听我心里的每一句话。她在我的一切缺点中忍受着纯洁的污秽。
她，就是我。
三年了。如果要归纳我的心情，我只能说，my heart is shivering。
划上休止符？结束，才是真正的开始……
以后，再也不会写关于妈妈的文字了，就算折翼。
化悲愤为力量
第三年了。完成守孝的天责，继续向前走。
记忆好遥远，悔恨与自责也已如香港的雾，逐渐被秋风吹散。
与陈之权教授在港大聊了一个小时，把新加坡华文教育天南地北谈了一遍，发觉我所担忧和关注的，有80%已经进入决策者的视野，并且尝试在努力前进。
广告时间。如果您是以下5个方面之一的专才，我们需要您：
（1）华文课程理论与发展专家；
（2）运用语言学研究者；
（3）心理语言学研究者；
（4）幼儿教育专家，特别是中文教学方面；
（5）评估与测试研究专家。
有 许多方面，新加坡很不足。但同时，我们也努力地在打造未来。我想，我必须相信这一点。而且，华语始终与政治紧密挂钩，但我相信，双语政策，下来50年不 变，除非中国、中东、印度垮台（我从不鼓吹族群划分或狭隘的“族粹“主义。但说实在的，哪组内阁敢废除双语政策，我想必定失去选票。而在那之前，至少我将 口诛笔伐，把那些愚昧的政客刺得一个个鼻青脸肿，即使这意味着失去名利。）
有许许多多的事情等着做，而这几年涉足华教工作，似乎已经让我 慢慢培养一定的能力，去较全面地pinpoint问题的症结。虽然我不再相信，自己能振臂一呼而兴万民，但渺小的我，却梦想着多一些人能与自己一同在梦中 摸黑前行。懂教育的搞教育，懂政策的搞政策，懂理论的一起探索实践，懂写作的帮忙写儿童读物，懂中国的一起来设计兼具人文、价值、当代中国的课程，懂赚钱 的一起出钱赞助研究、出版与资源……而不懂华文的，牵引着自己的孩子，在书海与虚拟世界里，一同探索与学习华语、华文与华族历史文化。
孩子是一个人。教育，是“树人“的事业。就算不是教育工作者，也得肩负某种责任，即使只是把自己的孩子教好。这种团结，才是华社背后的互助精神，而不单是 宗乡会馆。这次的教育改革，关键的便是提供一个契机，重新呼唤华人血脉里的族群精神。如果能够维护这个，就无需担心“失根”，更无需担心华文前景茫茫无 望。
在这特别的日子里，能再次焕发心中对教育的热忱，也许是给自己与妈妈最好的礼物。
继续努力搞研究。
记忆好遥远，悔恨与自责也已如香港的雾，逐渐被秋风吹散。
与陈之权教授在港大聊了一个小时，把新加坡华文教育天南地北谈了一遍，发觉我所担忧和关注的，有80%已经进入决策者的视野，并且尝试在努力前进。
广告时间。如果您是以下5个方面之一的专才，我们需要您：
（1）华文课程理论与发展专家；
（2）运用语言学研究者；
（3）心理语言学研究者；
（4）幼儿教育专家，特别是中文教学方面；
（5）评估与测试研究专家。
有 许多方面，新加坡很不足。但同时，我们也努力地在打造未来。我想，我必须相信这一点。而且，华语始终与政治紧密挂钩，但我相信，双语政策，下来50年不 变，除非中国、中东、印度垮台（我从不鼓吹族群划分或狭隘的“族粹“主义。但说实在的，哪组内阁敢废除双语政策，我想必定失去选票。而在那之前，至少我将 口诛笔伐，把那些愚昧的政客刺得一个个鼻青脸肿，即使这意味着失去名利。）
有许许多多的事情等着做，而这几年涉足华教工作，似乎已经让我 慢慢培养一定的能力，去较全面地pinpoint问题的症结。虽然我不再相信，自己能振臂一呼而兴万民，但渺小的我，却梦想着多一些人能与自己一同在梦中 摸黑前行。懂教育的搞教育，懂政策的搞政策，懂理论的一起探索实践，懂写作的帮忙写儿童读物，懂中国的一起来设计兼具人文、价值、当代中国的课程，懂赚钱 的一起出钱赞助研究、出版与资源……而不懂华文的，牵引着自己的孩子，在书海与虚拟世界里，一同探索与学习华语、华文与华族历史文化。
孩子是一个人。教育，是“树人“的事业。就算不是教育工作者，也得肩负某种责任，即使只是把自己的孩子教好。这种团结，才是华社背后的互助精神，而不单是 宗乡会馆。这次的教育改革，关键的便是提供一个契机，重新呼唤华人血脉里的族群精神。如果能够维护这个，就无需担心“失根”，更无需担心华文前景茫茫无 望。
在这特别的日子里，能再次焕发心中对教育的热忱，也许是给自己与妈妈最好的礼物。
继续努力搞研究。
2008年10月30日星期四
我与鲁迅
常言道：或是“六经注我”，或是“我注六经”。其实，“经”也不过是汉代之后才逐渐确定的概念，就像鲁迅成为英雄，也是毛爷爷执政之后的事。孔子周游列国之时，鲁迅以笔为投枪之际，也并没有多少人把他们供在庙堂之上。也许，这样的排比与对举，不论对孔子或是对鲁迅都是莫大的反讽。不过，历史的视角总是这样，把最不可能的人与事放在一起，竟呈现出从未有过的相似，仿佛轮回，仿佛玩笑。
于是，“我与鲁迅”这样的标题，也许也同样的可鄙，同样的有种戏谑意味。不过，我不认识鲁迅，更没有必要去嘲讽他。况且，高山仰止，亦有芳草衬托；微弱生命，也需依赖大地厚德载物。相辅相成，相得益彰，无所谓抬举，亦无所谓贬低。
在生命莫名其妙的前行中，我回过头，却看见黑胡子先生在课堂上好似婴儿地失笑。我站在原地，感受到无物之阵。我向前眺望，竟是一个在乱世中尝试维护理想的病人，在案前低首写着《秋夜》。
此刻，我的孤单，源于某种“与世不融”，而不是那种小孩没人陪他玩家家酒的倔强。我也曾牵着“光明的尾巴”，但走着走着，许多往昔的同僚竟已抛却理想，也就在“彷徨”之中，人只能对着漆黑的天，暗自默念“真是细月催人老”。于是，我明白将精神与心寄托在一个人生上对鲁迅竟是如此重要。那种关怀，无法比拟，即使为世道所不容。我爱山，我亦爱海。但浪漫主义不能只是仅剩支架的空壳。自怜为自己所不容。于是，必须告诫自己，玫瑰总得带着刺。
接着，接着，便是“绝望之于虚妄，正与希望相同”。Thanatos 痛恨那些不死之神，但也许他更痛恨的是，必须与Apollo一同奏响一曲生命乐章，名为《走出铁屋子交响曲》。但基调由他定，因为他积怨太深。我不愿如此，但我没有办法。有时，只有活在黑暗之中的众神，才能让我们忘却，并在Dioynsus的葡萄酒的香醇中升华。
有限之于局限，正与无限相同。
也正是这样的结论，让中国传统士人常常站在佛教的门槛。以为“也无风雨也无晴”，就是潇洒。且看落在海南沙滩上的东坡泪！
多少世纪以来，多少人入了空门？竟是为了什么，菩萨比佛祖吃香，禅宗比净土有趣？有时，这是我们一直忽略的问题，而时间之轮，不断地滚着，直到大家的良心彻底丧失，肉欲吞噬一切。
没事的话，建议看看《万历十五年》是如何描写李贽的吧。
于是，“我与鲁迅”这样的标题，也许也同样的可鄙，同样的有种戏谑意味。不过，我不认识鲁迅，更没有必要去嘲讽他。况且，高山仰止，亦有芳草衬托；微弱生命，也需依赖大地厚德载物。相辅相成，相得益彰，无所谓抬举，亦无所谓贬低。
在生命莫名其妙的前行中，我回过头，却看见黑胡子先生在课堂上好似婴儿地失笑。我站在原地，感受到无物之阵。我向前眺望，竟是一个在乱世中尝试维护理想的病人，在案前低首写着《秋夜》。
此刻，我的孤单，源于某种“与世不融”，而不是那种小孩没人陪他玩家家酒的倔强。我也曾牵着“光明的尾巴”，但走着走着，许多往昔的同僚竟已抛却理想，也就在“彷徨”之中，人只能对着漆黑的天，暗自默念“真是细月催人老”。于是，我明白将精神与心寄托在一个人生上对鲁迅竟是如此重要。那种关怀，无法比拟，即使为世道所不容。我爱山，我亦爱海。但浪漫主义不能只是仅剩支架的空壳。自怜为自己所不容。于是，必须告诫自己，玫瑰总得带着刺。
接着，接着，便是“绝望之于虚妄，正与希望相同”。Thanatos 痛恨那些不死之神，但也许他更痛恨的是，必须与Apollo一同奏响一曲生命乐章，名为《走出铁屋子交响曲》。但基调由他定，因为他积怨太深。我不愿如此，但我没有办法。有时，只有活在黑暗之中的众神，才能让我们忘却，并在Dioynsus的葡萄酒的香醇中升华。
有限之于局限，正与无限相同。
也正是这样的结论，让中国传统士人常常站在佛教的门槛。以为“也无风雨也无晴”，就是潇洒。且看落在海南沙滩上的东坡泪！
多少世纪以来，多少人入了空门？竟是为了什么，菩萨比佛祖吃香，禅宗比净土有趣？有时，这是我们一直忽略的问题，而时间之轮，不断地滚着，直到大家的良心彻底丧失，肉欲吞噬一切。
没事的话，建议看看《万历十五年》是如何描写李贽的吧。
2008年10月29日星期三
Background Music: Snail (Originally by Jang Na Ra)
Sometimes the way home takes so long
Sometimes I get so tired and exhausted
As soon as I open the door, I fall asleep
and when I wake up, no one is there
When I lay my body in the small bathtub
A small snail comes to me
With his small voice, he whispered to me
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
On the road filled with cars
In a small corner shop
With a pack of cigarettes and a melting ice cream bar
The sun is high up, shining on me
when a small snail suddenly comes to me and greets me
and sings for me quietly
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
I gave up my everything but
now everything is fading away like smoke
With my remaining strength
to finally satisfy and get rid of my dreams
To forget everything, to forget everything
I will cross the sea
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
Sometimes I get so tired and exhausted
As soon as I open the door, I fall asleep
and when I wake up, no one is there
When I lay my body in the small bathtub
A small snail comes to me
With his small voice, he whispered to me
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
On the road filled with cars
In a small corner shop
With a pack of cigarettes and a melting ice cream bar
The sun is high up, shining on me
when a small snail suddenly comes to me and greets me
and sings for me quietly
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
I gave up my everything but
now everything is fading away like smoke
With my remaining strength
to finally satisfy and get rid of my dreams
To forget everything, to forget everything
I will cross the sea
Someday, when that day comes
It will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world
No one saw it but
I will follow the sound of the waves that I can hear in my head
I want to go forever
2008年10月26日星期日
宽恕
Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free.
---- The Tempest, Epilogue by Prospero
宽恕，对他人，也对自己。
下周五就是妈妈的三周年忌日。
三年来，因日积月累的忽略而带来的愧疚，已经逐渐消失殆尽。
而且，妈妈也成了心中的陌生，尽管保留为脑中的回忆。
宽恕自己，真的很难。这三年，也许身边的家人与朋友，最能体会我的成长。为了弥补，为了赦免自己，我付出了很多，也尝试了许多的痛楚，包括母亲也许曾经体会过的。
而最令我欣慰的，总是自己所得到的关心与爱护。那么的多，那么的浓。很多时候，尽管我会为了撒娇或是自虐而不去承认，但我却不曾忽略那些滋润我的心灵疮疤、填补心灵空虚的温暖。
试着去扶别人一把，无意间换来他们对我的搀扶，于是，慢慢学会放开自幼牵着我一步步向前行的那双手。
卸下了包袱，同时也就少了一个支柱。因此，下来就必须真正地学会独立了。往后的路，会有哪些美景，又有哪些人陪着我同行，虽然现在不知道，但也许，无知也是考验的一部分。
旧我的瓦解，很容易把纯真与真挚也一并抛弃。或许，也是这样，我不断拖延自己进入官僚体制的时限。18岁时的一个签名，奠定了往后必须踏上的旅途。不过，在我成为bureaucrat或是teachnocrat之前，总希望充分沉浸于师者之心，把自己这张白纸彻底染上柔和的底色。如此一来，当自己被黑墨污浊之时，至少不会黑白分明，由善变恶，而能够把行政与真诚相互调配成属于自己的艺术。权欲这东西，让责任被蒙蔽；官僚的体制，让人性逐渐失落。当教学成为了工作而不是使命，当教育是为了accountability而不在执著于wisdom，学生苦，教师也累。
有太多太多的老师与公务员，在路上面临disillusionment，并且以对下一代的期望，来慰藉自己，寻求自我的宽恕。也许，这是我们惯于采取的手段。别人怎么样我不知道，但如果自己泥足深陷，我想，就不再是三年就能自我宽恕的过错了。因为，那个时候，生命的根基——对真的追求，以爱的感化——将彻底丧失，而我已无法视自己为一个人，也就没有资格去谈宽恕。
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free.
---- The Tempest, Epilogue by Prospero
宽恕，对他人，也对自己。
下周五就是妈妈的三周年忌日。
三年来，因日积月累的忽略而带来的愧疚，已经逐渐消失殆尽。
而且，妈妈也成了心中的陌生，尽管保留为脑中的回忆。
宽恕自己，真的很难。这三年，也许身边的家人与朋友，最能体会我的成长。为了弥补，为了赦免自己，我付出了很多，也尝试了许多的痛楚，包括母亲也许曾经体会过的。
而最令我欣慰的，总是自己所得到的关心与爱护。那么的多，那么的浓。很多时候，尽管我会为了撒娇或是自虐而不去承认，但我却不曾忽略那些滋润我的心灵疮疤、填补心灵空虚的温暖。
试着去扶别人一把，无意间换来他们对我的搀扶，于是，慢慢学会放开自幼牵着我一步步向前行的那双手。
卸下了包袱，同时也就少了一个支柱。因此，下来就必须真正地学会独立了。往后的路，会有哪些美景，又有哪些人陪着我同行，虽然现在不知道，但也许，无知也是考验的一部分。
旧我的瓦解，很容易把纯真与真挚也一并抛弃。或许，也是这样，我不断拖延自己进入官僚体制的时限。18岁时的一个签名，奠定了往后必须踏上的旅途。不过，在我成为bureaucrat或是teachnocrat之前，总希望充分沉浸于师者之心，把自己这张白纸彻底染上柔和的底色。如此一来，当自己被黑墨污浊之时，至少不会黑白分明，由善变恶，而能够把行政与真诚相互调配成属于自己的艺术。权欲这东西，让责任被蒙蔽；官僚的体制，让人性逐渐失落。当教学成为了工作而不是使命，当教育是为了accountability而不在执著于wisdom，学生苦，教师也累。
有太多太多的老师与公务员，在路上面临disillusionment，并且以对下一代的期望，来慰藉自己，寻求自我的宽恕。也许，这是我们惯于采取的手段。别人怎么样我不知道，但如果自己泥足深陷，我想，就不再是三年就能自我宽恕的过错了。因为，那个时候，生命的根基——对真的追求，以爱的感化——将彻底丧失，而我已无法视自己为一个人，也就没有资格去谈宽恕。
放我自由：莎翁戏剧的改编
莎士比亚最后一部长篇剧作《The Tempest》，经大导演徐克与台湾当代传奇剧场协力打造，改编为京戏现代舞台剧《暴风雨》。
经典的改编，我们早有耳闻；但莎士比亚+京剧+舞台剧，调和出的是什么样的鸡尾酒？
我的感觉是，就像成了一个宗教上的free-thinker。吸纳一切宗教中有益于自己的，但往往舍弃那些被视为束缚自由的金科玉律。
于是，就连我这个“看热闹”的外行，也能感觉到，武丑中气不足，喘息声、漏词、声量高低不齐；配角基本功不扎实，武打场面的“踢棍”（Ok Eunice, what's the professional term for this?）失败了三次，不过契而不舍的精神也赢得了我的掌声；武者动作不协调，整体上给人一种不稳定的感觉。演员的表现也不一。很多时候，现代舞台剧的元素，特别是灯光与现场华乐的versatility，是撑起整个场面的关键。
但是，当我看完整部戏，而能在微笑夹杂偶尔狂笑的同时，有足足三次想流泪的冲动时，除了赞叹莎士比亚在这部剧上凝聚的成熟之外，应该也必须归功于京剧的元素。正因为融合了三方面的特质，这部剧能最大程度地调动各类艺术手法。于是，当演员一分钟前死守西方舞台剧的“第四堵墙”，接着一瞬间来一句“这不过是我们搬上舞台的戏”，立即就使人失笑。而下一分钟，突然又发觉，那句话是“戏中戏”的对白，即不是对观众说，而是与另一个角色的对白时，“第四堵墙”又重新竖起。这种感觉，很好玩。
因此，当主人公波布罗最后不断重复“放我自由”的时候，其含义似乎已经超出了莎士比亚的人性指向，同时也兼指“艺术的自由”。突破围墙，是现代人的追求；寻求规律与秩序，同样也是我们的向往。正是在这个意义上，艺术门类的跨越，中西文化的异类改造与融合，具有了某种拟人化的色彩。当然，不赞同随便地将一切把各种元素搅弄的作品都称为艺术，但在一定框架中去参杂艺术，在扎实的基本功上进行提升，其实也就是艺术的“放我自由”。不论古典或是现代，这都或许印证了：艺术是人类存在的形式与象征。
经典的改编，我们早有耳闻；但莎士比亚+京剧+舞台剧，调和出的是什么样的鸡尾酒？
我的感觉是，就像成了一个宗教上的free-thinker。吸纳一切宗教中有益于自己的，但往往舍弃那些被视为束缚自由的金科玉律。
于是，就连我这个“看热闹”的外行，也能感觉到，武丑中气不足，喘息声、漏词、声量高低不齐；配角基本功不扎实，武打场面的“踢棍”（Ok Eunice, what's the professional term for this?）失败了三次，不过契而不舍的精神也赢得了我的掌声；武者动作不协调，整体上给人一种不稳定的感觉。演员的表现也不一。很多时候，现代舞台剧的元素，特别是灯光与现场华乐的versatility，是撑起整个场面的关键。
但是，当我看完整部戏，而能在微笑夹杂偶尔狂笑的同时，有足足三次想流泪的冲动时，除了赞叹莎士比亚在这部剧上凝聚的成熟之外，应该也必须归功于京剧的元素。正因为融合了三方面的特质，这部剧能最大程度地调动各类艺术手法。于是，当演员一分钟前死守西方舞台剧的“第四堵墙”，接着一瞬间来一句“这不过是我们搬上舞台的戏”，立即就使人失笑。而下一分钟，突然又发觉，那句话是“戏中戏”的对白，即不是对观众说，而是与另一个角色的对白时，“第四堵墙”又重新竖起。这种感觉，很好玩。
因此，当主人公波布罗最后不断重复“放我自由”的时候，其含义似乎已经超出了莎士比亚的人性指向，同时也兼指“艺术的自由”。突破围墙，是现代人的追求；寻求规律与秩序，同样也是我们的向往。正是在这个意义上，艺术门类的跨越，中西文化的异类改造与融合，具有了某种拟人化的色彩。当然，不赞同随便地将一切把各种元素搅弄的作品都称为艺术，但在一定框架中去参杂艺术，在扎实的基本功上进行提升，其实也就是艺术的“放我自由”。不论古典或是现代，这都或许印证了：艺术是人类存在的形式与象征。
2008年10月25日星期六
2008年10月24日星期五
在谱系中成长与闪耀 ——龙应台谈文学启蒙
◎陈炜雄
台湾著名作家龙应台上星期六在香港大学发表演讲，细数自己文学启蒙的谱系，其中，中国古典文学所占的比例最大，此外还有 “五四”文学、当代台湾文学、通俗文学与外国翻译文学等各方面的影响。目前在香港求学的本地作者陈炜雄，为大家介绍龙应台是如何踏着前人的脚步，走到了今 天。
为推动人文发展，香港大学成立了“孔梁巧玲杰出人文学者”计划，支持人文学者驻校教学、研究与创作。台湾著名作家龙应台，以该计划的首位“杰出人文学者”的身份，在上周六（10月18日）的成立典礼上，发表演讲，题为“当我在桌前坐下——龙应台谈文学启蒙”。
文学是有谱系的
单看演讲标题，很容易以为主讲人会以学术姿态，客观地谈“文学启蒙”。龙应台在这场她自称为“一年一度在香港的演讲”上，却以自己18岁以前受到的文学启蒙为主题，围绕自身的“文学谱系”进行演说。
讲座一开始，大屏幕上打上了这样的一幅画：草坪上，一棵大树下，3只狗宝宝在埋头阅读。龙应台解释，3只狗宝宝，也许有一天，某一只会成为大作家。但是，一切并非独立，就连大树上的每一片叶子，皆有来处。
“文学也一样，是有谱系的。”
说着，龙应台引述了艾略特于1919年（碰巧是中国“五四运动”开始的年份）撰写的《传统与个人才能》，借以说明“并不是港大有了张爱玲，我们就能传承 她的想象力”。传统，需要通过努力获得，而这有赖于个体的“历史意识”（historical awareness），即明白历史活在我们当下的血液之中。
30年以来，这便是龙应台创作中的“贯穿性意念”。在桌前坐下写文章时，她 的骨髓中，除了当代人的作品，还有汉字3000年的传统。在龙英台的文学启蒙谱系中，中国古典文学所占的比例最大，此外还有“五四”文学、当代台湾文学、 通俗文学与外国翻译文学等各方面的影响。这些，都兼容并蓄地融会在龙应台最擅长的两类文体中——犹如“刀剑”的论说文，以及“流水”般的抒情美文。
胡适：兼容“港大谱系”与
白话文传统
不过，1952年出生于台南高雄的龙应台却认为，对她起到最关键作用的文学因素，莫过于白话文的传统。
凡懂得一点现代文学史的人都知道，胡适是“五四新文化运动”的领袖之一，于20世纪二三十年代投身白话文学的创作与推广。但是，有多少人知道，耳熟能详 的歌曲《兰花草》，原本是胡适在《尝试集》中的一首诗？又有多少人知道，胡适曾于1935年1月5日，为领取香港大学的博士学位，涉足港岛？于是，《龙应 台的香港笔记@沙湾径25号》的作者，带着在场的嘉宾与港大学子，一同回溯了胡适的“香港笔记”。
“香港应该产生诗人与画家，用他们的 艺术来赞颂这里的海光山色。”这是胡适曾说过的话。不过，他也曾批评香港人太重商业，不顾及教育。而且，在这自古是中国的殖民地（龙应台解释，此话出典于 《史记·平津侯主父列传》秦始皇发兵50万征服广东一事），面对主张古文、提倡读经的局面，胡适也曾撰文批评：“为什么别的地方已经风起云涌了，而革命策 源地的广东尚且保守？”
在白话文中长大，如今站在香港大学的讲堂上，龙应台以兼容“港大谱系”与白话文传统的胡适为例，凸显了自己如何踏着前人的脚步，走到了今天。
贯穿历史的知识分子的姿态
不过，龙应台也指出，胡适给予包括她在内的一代人最大的启发，要属他的思想与人格。她提起自己17岁时收到的一张卡片，上面有着一首南宋杨万里的一首 《桂源铺》，是胡适于1961年到监狱探访因反对国民党而入狱的雷震时所提。“万山不许一溪奔，拦得溪声日夜喧。到得前头山脚尽，堂堂溪水出前村”，让年 轻的龙应台联想到了文天祥的《正气歌》。在一瞬间，古人、前人与今人相互辉映，使她体会到知识分子的抵抗姿态。
而谈到自己在批判时如何 学会“去除道德的冷静”，龙应台举了年轻时曾阅读过的《韩非子》以及法国存在主义哲学家西蒙波娃（Simone de Beauvoir）于1963年撰写的文章，说明自己也是在谱系之中，吸纳前人的经验，融合并生发出自己的辛辣风格与独立个性。
从对汉字的着迷到创作
龙应台对汉字的着迷，发展于自己10至18岁之间。一首《青青河畔草》，让她窥见汉字在文学使用上的特点。15岁时读杜甫，让她明白汉语动词的力量，如 “随风潜入夜，润物细无声”（《春夜喜雨》）。汉乐府，教会她如何“写一个火般的女子”，如《有所思》写一女子发现爱人另有新欢，把信物“拉杂摧烧之”， 而且“摧烧之，当风扬其灰”，气势相当磅礴；如何“对所爱发誓”，如《上邪》的海誓山盟；以及如何在面对问题时如何找寻切入点，如她在报章充斥着关于越战 新闻的年代，从《战城南》中学会如何利用并切换“镜头”。龙应台也举了乐府《箜篌引》为例，说明虽只有“公无渡河，公竟渡河。渡河而死，当奈公何”16 字，却已经成就一个迷你的希腊式悲剧。而李白在《公无渡河》中将此改造为长篇叙事诗，由大禹开始，最后还有“长鲸白齿若雪山”，气势不逊于西方名著《白 鲸》（Moby Dick）。
谈到如何将这些汇聚并体现在自己的作品中时，龙应台提起收在她《百年思索》中的文章《玻璃鳗》。这篇美文描写的， 是出生就由墨西哥海湾逆流而上至欧洲大陆沼泽，逗留15年又回出生地生产并死亡的玻璃鳗。龙应台说，文章中凝聚她在欧洲13年所感受到的流离、漂流感、灵 魂深处的不安、不可遏制的追求以及对人生存在本质的渴望。其中别于一般的想象力、敏感的观察与细腻的笔触，是作家在汉语传统谱系中茁壮成长的成果。
启蒙的谱系
对于一个快步入耳顺之年的人而言，要整理自己成长中的“启蒙谱系”，应该不是件容易的事。不过，龙应台此次的演讲，虽然不能说就让我们完全理解这位出生 于台湾，后来在美国深造，并在德国居住并进行研究的作家，但至少，我终于开始明白，为何在看她的文章或是演讲稿，总觉得她那种遥不可及的强悍中，带有某种 难以言喻的敏锐与纤细。
港大为龙应台在背山面海的地方，设立了一个写作室。讲座宣传册上有这样的话：“董桥说，‘师妹啊，在这里如果写 不出好作品来是应该被一棒打死的！’”。相信龙应台在很多方面，确实已经成为了许多人的谱系中，一位启蒙老师与指引者。 “黑夜给我黑色的眼睛，我却用它寻找光明”，这句出自顾城《一代人》的诗句，是龙应台此次讲座的结语，相信也适用于从她的文字中得到力量的人。
（作者是本地青年写作人，目前是香港大学硕士研究生。）
[文章转载自《联合早报》副刊。]
2008年10月23日星期四
帮助别人我很快乐——记04中文新加坡留学生陈炜雄
偶然在网站上看到这篇文章，于是决定转载。哇，感觉还是昨天才接受采访，如今却已快2009年了。时光飞逝啊~~
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他，热爱学习，成绩优良，是复旦大学第一批留学生奖学金的获得者；他，喜欢华文，恪守传统， 对中国思想与文化具有浓厚的兴趣；他，乐于助人，甘于奉献，曾组织团队远赴云南昆明杨柳县开展扶贫工作；如今，他还在资助昆明禄劝县五名高中学生，帮助他 们实现上大学的梦想……他就是04级中文系本科生，来自新加坡的留学生陈炜雄。
“我喜欢华文”
2004年，陈炜雄拿到新加坡政府公共服务委员会公派出国留学奖学金，于是，他便选择来到复旦大学，就读于中文系。陈炜雄的祖父母是从潮州来 到新加坡的。虽然陈炜雄的父母已是地地道道的新加坡人，但他们依然继承从祖辈遗留下来的传统。例如，每天吃饭的时候，如果家里的男性长辈还没有到餐桌就 坐，其他人就都不许动筷子。陈炜雄的祖父母没读过什么书，父母也只读到小学。他们对陈炜雄的影响更多的是“身教”，而不是“言传”。他们自然而然地熟知那 些“最民间的中华文化”，包括民间故事、民间习俗，以及各种礼仪。像传统广东潮州人家庭一样，陈炜雄家里供着神牌位，他和家人一样信奉道教——因此，他对 庄子尤其感兴趣。“我的血脉里流的是中国人的血，思想观念和传统构成都是华族的，甚至中国人固有的一些‘传统劣根性’，我也会赫然在自己的身上察觉。”陈 炜雄从小就对中文有浓厚的兴趣。“我喜欢华文，一方面是因为我的家庭背景。我觉得，自己作为一个华人，再怎么样也逃不掉和中国的联系。”
新加坡国立大学和南洋理工大学也有华文专业。“他们的更多是侧重于一种宽度，然后我觉得中国这边侧重深度，或者说宽度也有深度也有，但是肯定 在深度方面要比新加坡来得深。新加坡固然也有资深的学者，但很多时候难免会受新加坡的特殊语文与文化处境限制。选择到中国来学习，希望的是在本科阶段能够 打下比较扎实的、纯粹的学术基础，并且理解中国高校在引入西方学术方法与视角时，如何处理中、西两方面的关系。基础打好了，日后回国才能融会贯通。”
“我想当一名老师”
陈炜雄热爱学习，他在同学中有个绰号——“象牙塔中的读书鬼”。作为04级中文系留学生班班长，陈炜雄的一块重要工作就是“课外辅导”。有些 课程，比如庄子和文学理论，留学生往往听不懂。考试前陈炜雄除了帮助他们准备复习资料，往往还要用最简单的语言把这门课主要讲什么解释一遍。同系的意大利 学生Marta对他就很佩服：“我觉得不管遇到什么问题都可以问炜雄，他好像什么都知道！”
谈及学习，陈炜雄说：“我是公费生，我拿的是新加坡人的钱，他们是交税的。我拿的是他们的钱，所以我有义务把成绩搞好。”学习，对陈炜雄而 言，并不仅仅是义务，更是他的兴趣。在中文系就读期间，他对周作人作品研究产生了浓厚兴趣。在“周作人精读”课上，陈炜雄朗读了他的论文，《从〈人的文 学〉到〈闭户读书论〉——论周作人二十年代“人道主义”思想之起伏》。一堂课，大家都在讨论他的论文，老师和同学抛出了各种问题。中文系张业松和陈思和两 位老师读了他的论文后，觉得很有意思。系主任陈思和将这篇论文推荐到了复旦年度的本科生《优秀论文集》。
“但后来可能没登出来，大概筛掉了。”陈炜雄很坦然。当然刚写出那篇论文时，他志气有点高，满有成就感。之后他越看越觉得这种思路还不成熟。他期待随着自身的知识的积累和调整，研究思路会更加成熟。
热爱学习源自陈炜雄的理想：“我想当一名老师”。因此，在他看来，学习也是对他未来的学生的义务。“我很多时候都是以知识累积或者思想开拓为主，这都是抱着一个目标，那是我能够把这些东西整合了然后教给我的学生。”
“我应该去帮助别人”
来复旦之前，陈炜雄已经在新加坡做社工多年。适应复旦学习氛围之后，陈炜雄就加入了上海市阳光社区青少年事务中心五角场社工点志愿者服务队， 主要帮助失学、失业、失管的“三失”青少年。2005年，他被评为上海市阳光社区青少年事务中心优秀志愿者。无论是元旦冒着严寒到敬老院和老人们一起包馄 饨过节，还是组织“三失”青少年开展卡拉OK大赛，都带给他作为社工的满足感。
2005年10月，陈炜雄的母亲因患癌症而去世。谈起母亲，他很平静。他说，在他小学的时候，母亲就患上癌症，病情反反复复。那段时间，陈炜雄的家庭得到了许许多多人的帮助。“小时候受了很多人的恩惠，现在觉得有能力了，应该去报答，或者去帮助别人。”
中文系张顺同学的母亲患癌症的消息被同学们知道后，陈炜雄在北区食堂宣传，发动许多留学生捐款，印发英语、日语、韩语传单，贴在留学生公寓楼每一层电梯旁。
陈炜雄在复旦最要好的中国朋友都来自农村，因此，农村教育成了大家经常谈及的问题。“我从小就有一个梦想，就是想到农村。因为小时候看电视剧，很想到云南去，所以我第一站就是云南。”
2005年寒假，陈炜雄到云南去考察，觉得有不少事可以做。于是，回新加坡之后，找了一些高中时跟他一起到越南进行海外社会工作的同学，决定暑假要做这个项目。
2005年6月，陈炜雄带了一个团踏上云南的土地。他们筹集了四万元，来到昆明附近一个村庄——杨柳村，找施工队给村里建了4座水泥桥。
在杨柳村的一个小学校，他们做了短期的义教，还用几千块钱给老师和孩子买了教学用具和文具。给孩子们播卡通片、介绍中国地理、让他们看风景照片，陈炜雄一心想激发这些农村孩子对外界的好奇心，希望能让他们怀有想学好、想考出去的动力。
农村孩子从小到大，除了学习，就是干农活，很少有时间玩耍。陈炜雄走在村里，时常看到班上的孩子在田里干活，或是背着小妹妹赶路。以前没到过 中国农村的陈炜雄以为，这个村庄算比较穷了；但后来，他还到过一个彝族施工承包商的家乡、到过他一个农村同学的家，才知道什么是真正的贫穷。小时候看到的 浪漫色彩失落了，代之以现实的冲击。
对此，陈炜雄认为：“看着他们的贫困生活，再看看自己现在的生活，觉得自己没有什么理由可以抱怨生活的。现在，我有了些能力，就应该去帮助那些需要帮助的人，我所给他们的也只是人与人之间最根本的关怀。”
从云南回来后，陈炜雄一直在思考如何能够使得自己的帮助对那些贫困学生变得更长久。于是，他便采取资助的方式。现在，陈炜雄每月拿出3000 元资助云南昆明禄劝县五名高中学生。此外，他还保持每两周一封信的频率与他们交流，了解他们在生活和学习上遇到的困难，听他们的倾诉，认真给每个人回信， 告诉他们学习的重要性，并鼓励他们早日实现上大学的梦想。
自信，随和，乐观，诚恳，努力……这是陈炜雄给朋友们的印象。说到对自己的看法，陈炜雄仅仅说：“我是一个没能用一句话形容自己的人。”
早早担起社会责任，尽己所能回报社会，陈炜雄一直践行。“我想，我会把一生奉献给新加坡的教育事业。”
“只要能为下一代做些什么，并且引导孩子们在他们的年代里清醒、自觉地生活着，完成自己的理想，并且激发他们为他们的后代做些什么，我想，我这一生也就满足了。”不难发现，他的追求烙有复旦的印记。
作者：马琦 责任编辑：史晓洁 来源：《校刊》727期
最后更新：Aug 30, 2007
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他，热爱学习，成绩优良，是复旦大学第一批留学生奖学金的获得者；他，喜欢华文，恪守传统， 对中国思想与文化具有浓厚的兴趣；他，乐于助人，甘于奉献，曾组织团队远赴云南昆明杨柳县开展扶贫工作；如今，他还在资助昆明禄劝县五名高中学生，帮助他 们实现上大学的梦想……他就是04级中文系本科生，来自新加坡的留学生陈炜雄。
“我喜欢华文”
2004年，陈炜雄拿到新加坡政府公共服务委员会公派出国留学奖学金，于是，他便选择来到复旦大学，就读于中文系。陈炜雄的祖父母是从潮州来 到新加坡的。虽然陈炜雄的父母已是地地道道的新加坡人，但他们依然继承从祖辈遗留下来的传统。例如，每天吃饭的时候，如果家里的男性长辈还没有到餐桌就 坐，其他人就都不许动筷子。陈炜雄的祖父母没读过什么书，父母也只读到小学。他们对陈炜雄的影响更多的是“身教”，而不是“言传”。他们自然而然地熟知那 些“最民间的中华文化”，包括民间故事、民间习俗，以及各种礼仪。像传统广东潮州人家庭一样，陈炜雄家里供着神牌位，他和家人一样信奉道教——因此，他对 庄子尤其感兴趣。“我的血脉里流的是中国人的血，思想观念和传统构成都是华族的，甚至中国人固有的一些‘传统劣根性’，我也会赫然在自己的身上察觉。”陈 炜雄从小就对中文有浓厚的兴趣。“我喜欢华文，一方面是因为我的家庭背景。我觉得，自己作为一个华人，再怎么样也逃不掉和中国的联系。”
新加坡国立大学和南洋理工大学也有华文专业。“他们的更多是侧重于一种宽度，然后我觉得中国这边侧重深度，或者说宽度也有深度也有，但是肯定 在深度方面要比新加坡来得深。新加坡固然也有资深的学者，但很多时候难免会受新加坡的特殊语文与文化处境限制。选择到中国来学习，希望的是在本科阶段能够 打下比较扎实的、纯粹的学术基础，并且理解中国高校在引入西方学术方法与视角时，如何处理中、西两方面的关系。基础打好了，日后回国才能融会贯通。”
“我想当一名老师”
陈炜雄热爱学习，他在同学中有个绰号——“象牙塔中的读书鬼”。作为04级中文系留学生班班长，陈炜雄的一块重要工作就是“课外辅导”。有些 课程，比如庄子和文学理论，留学生往往听不懂。考试前陈炜雄除了帮助他们准备复习资料，往往还要用最简单的语言把这门课主要讲什么解释一遍。同系的意大利 学生Marta对他就很佩服：“我觉得不管遇到什么问题都可以问炜雄，他好像什么都知道！”
谈及学习，陈炜雄说：“我是公费生，我拿的是新加坡人的钱，他们是交税的。我拿的是他们的钱，所以我有义务把成绩搞好。”学习，对陈炜雄而 言，并不仅仅是义务，更是他的兴趣。在中文系就读期间，他对周作人作品研究产生了浓厚兴趣。在“周作人精读”课上，陈炜雄朗读了他的论文，《从〈人的文 学〉到〈闭户读书论〉——论周作人二十年代“人道主义”思想之起伏》。一堂课，大家都在讨论他的论文，老师和同学抛出了各种问题。中文系张业松和陈思和两 位老师读了他的论文后，觉得很有意思。系主任陈思和将这篇论文推荐到了复旦年度的本科生《优秀论文集》。
“但后来可能没登出来，大概筛掉了。”陈炜雄很坦然。当然刚写出那篇论文时，他志气有点高，满有成就感。之后他越看越觉得这种思路还不成熟。他期待随着自身的知识的积累和调整，研究思路会更加成熟。
热爱学习源自陈炜雄的理想：“我想当一名老师”。因此，在他看来，学习也是对他未来的学生的义务。“我很多时候都是以知识累积或者思想开拓为主，这都是抱着一个目标，那是我能够把这些东西整合了然后教给我的学生。”
“我应该去帮助别人”
来复旦之前，陈炜雄已经在新加坡做社工多年。适应复旦学习氛围之后，陈炜雄就加入了上海市阳光社区青少年事务中心五角场社工点志愿者服务队， 主要帮助失学、失业、失管的“三失”青少年。2005年，他被评为上海市阳光社区青少年事务中心优秀志愿者。无论是元旦冒着严寒到敬老院和老人们一起包馄 饨过节，还是组织“三失”青少年开展卡拉OK大赛，都带给他作为社工的满足感。
2005年10月，陈炜雄的母亲因患癌症而去世。谈起母亲，他很平静。他说，在他小学的时候，母亲就患上癌症，病情反反复复。那段时间，陈炜雄的家庭得到了许许多多人的帮助。“小时候受了很多人的恩惠，现在觉得有能力了，应该去报答，或者去帮助别人。”
中文系张顺同学的母亲患癌症的消息被同学们知道后，陈炜雄在北区食堂宣传，发动许多留学生捐款，印发英语、日语、韩语传单，贴在留学生公寓楼每一层电梯旁。
陈炜雄在复旦最要好的中国朋友都来自农村，因此，农村教育成了大家经常谈及的问题。“我从小就有一个梦想，就是想到农村。因为小时候看电视剧，很想到云南去，所以我第一站就是云南。”
2005年寒假，陈炜雄到云南去考察，觉得有不少事可以做。于是，回新加坡之后，找了一些高中时跟他一起到越南进行海外社会工作的同学，决定暑假要做这个项目。
2005年6月，陈炜雄带了一个团踏上云南的土地。他们筹集了四万元，来到昆明附近一个村庄——杨柳村，找施工队给村里建了4座水泥桥。
在杨柳村的一个小学校，他们做了短期的义教，还用几千块钱给老师和孩子买了教学用具和文具。给孩子们播卡通片、介绍中国地理、让他们看风景照片，陈炜雄一心想激发这些农村孩子对外界的好奇心，希望能让他们怀有想学好、想考出去的动力。
农村孩子从小到大，除了学习，就是干农活，很少有时间玩耍。陈炜雄走在村里，时常看到班上的孩子在田里干活，或是背着小妹妹赶路。以前没到过 中国农村的陈炜雄以为，这个村庄算比较穷了；但后来，他还到过一个彝族施工承包商的家乡、到过他一个农村同学的家，才知道什么是真正的贫穷。小时候看到的 浪漫色彩失落了，代之以现实的冲击。
对此，陈炜雄认为：“看着他们的贫困生活，再看看自己现在的生活，觉得自己没有什么理由可以抱怨生活的。现在，我有了些能力，就应该去帮助那些需要帮助的人，我所给他们的也只是人与人之间最根本的关怀。”
从云南回来后，陈炜雄一直在思考如何能够使得自己的帮助对那些贫困学生变得更长久。于是，他便采取资助的方式。现在，陈炜雄每月拿出3000 元资助云南昆明禄劝县五名高中学生。此外，他还保持每两周一封信的频率与他们交流，了解他们在生活和学习上遇到的困难，听他们的倾诉，认真给每个人回信， 告诉他们学习的重要性，并鼓励他们早日实现上大学的梦想。
自信，随和，乐观，诚恳，努力……这是陈炜雄给朋友们的印象。说到对自己的看法，陈炜雄仅仅说：“我是一个没能用一句话形容自己的人。”
早早担起社会责任，尽己所能回报社会，陈炜雄一直践行。“我想，我会把一生奉献给新加坡的教育事业。”
“只要能为下一代做些什么，并且引导孩子们在他们的年代里清醒、自觉地生活着，完成自己的理想，并且激发他们为他们的后代做些什么，我想，我这一生也就满足了。”不难发现，他的追求烙有复旦的印记。
作者：马琦 责任编辑：史晓洁 来源：《校刊》727期
最后更新：Aug 30, 2007
2008年10月22日星期三
10年后的新加坡华文教育
会是什么样子？
人口流动的结果，是新移民的涌入。既然冲着社会稳定与经济繁荣来，我们那重心放在中国崛起的双语政策，便比起狭隘的种族为支撑来得稳固，也必将继续得到政治上的支持。来自中国的新一代，与那些有志推动华文向前的土生华人一同努力。华文的程度将会出现更大的分化，而既然会有问题的，绝大部分是我们这代新加坡华人的孩子，那么，差异教学（differentiated instruction）将会更受到关注。而成为父母的我们这代自以为华文没用的华人，如果选择不移民，将必须在这两者之间做出抉择：让自己的孩子步自己的后尘，或者是，与孩子一同学习，重新从小学开始温习我们年轻时没有专心学好的华文。
文学方面，作家协会依旧存在，批评协会快走完第一个十年，但一切还是复归曲高和寡的象牙塔。只不过，新一代的中国作家的作品，其语境对我们的孩子而言，将不会如此陌生。前提是，中学开始开展读报教育，因为《早报》必然还是坚持甚至加强其一贯的“中国”视角。台湾作家的作品，依然以自由的新鲜感，受到青年的喜爱。因为“双城记”其实只是虚假的表象，加上约来约中国化，以及港人一贯不读书的陋习始终是现实，所以，始终关注本土的香港文学，将很难打不进我们的市场。不过，文化方面应该还能有所影响，因为这地方汇聚了许多知名文化人——其中有许多为中国人所熟知，因此也就间接进入新加坡人的文化视野中。而且，如果电影业蓬勃，加上剧场的发展继续不懈前进，也许能够带动那么一点销售量。
待续……
人口流动的结果，是新移民的涌入。既然冲着社会稳定与经济繁荣来，我们那重心放在中国崛起的双语政策，便比起狭隘的种族为支撑来得稳固，也必将继续得到政治上的支持。来自中国的新一代，与那些有志推动华文向前的土生华人一同努力。华文的程度将会出现更大的分化，而既然会有问题的，绝大部分是我们这代新加坡华人的孩子，那么，差异教学（differentiated instruction）将会更受到关注。而成为父母的我们这代自以为华文没用的华人，如果选择不移民，将必须在这两者之间做出抉择：让自己的孩子步自己的后尘，或者是，与孩子一同学习，重新从小学开始温习我们年轻时没有专心学好的华文。
文学方面，作家协会依旧存在，批评协会快走完第一个十年，但一切还是复归曲高和寡的象牙塔。只不过，新一代的中国作家的作品，其语境对我们的孩子而言，将不会如此陌生。前提是，中学开始开展读报教育，因为《早报》必然还是坚持甚至加强其一贯的“中国”视角。台湾作家的作品，依然以自由的新鲜感，受到青年的喜爱。因为“双城记”其实只是虚假的表象，加上约来约中国化，以及港人一贯不读书的陋习始终是现实，所以，始终关注本土的香港文学，将很难打不进我们的市场。不过，文化方面应该还能有所影响，因为这地方汇聚了许多知名文化人——其中有许多为中国人所熟知，因此也就间接进入新加坡人的文化视野中。而且，如果电影业蓬勃，加上剧场的发展继续不懈前进，也许能够带动那么一点销售量。
待续……
Values
I remember, in the year of my undergraduate days, a Philosophy professor specializing in ethics recommended a new book that he had then just translated into Chinese. The theme of the book was on "values". At that time, coming from an academic perspective, I didn't think such a discussion was anywhere near fantastic. It's just a general judgment bias - after all, there are usually no fixed answers to most ethical questions, no? Something as intangible as values, how can anyone say anything inspiring about it?
Today, however, I began to see just how important this notion of "values" is. In the first place, I guess we've never questioned the complexity of this term, and the inter-relation among all the facades of meanings it entails.
The financial crisis made us open our eyes to what "values as wealth" could mean to us eventually. It made us gloat over the demise of "bloody money-suckers" who have, anyway, been always placed at the lowest level of the social class strata in ancient China (士、农、工、商）. Nonetheless, in today's world fraught with discourses stemming from globalisation - a notion stemming from economic integration, one wonders how this balance of smugness will tilt in future. After all, "cycles" is a jargon that the financial and business sectors often take comfort in. Trace it back 2000 years, when even Lao Tze concluded from his astronomical observations, “反者，道之动”. That's perhaps the way the world functions.
Yet, all humans seek stability in what they "value". Sufficient (or more than sufficient) cash, a happy family, stable job, humanity, happiness (a notion that has in itself ignited debate since the Roman times).. Perhaps, what we have overlooked is that one can never achieve totality in his completeness. Those who indulge in the pursuit of humanities and education often lament that financial flow is their greatest concern. Have we not seen composers and writers who die a poor soul? The relatively rich - relatively, because it really depends on who you benchmark yourself with - have a good life in terms of material needs, but why is it the Chinese have managed to coin this saying “富不过三代”？Apart from the possibility that these rich people are infertile, one guess would be that they never knew how to teach their children well. In their pursuit of wealth generation, some people simply forgot to ruminate on their human-ness along the way, so there is no "values" - except cash, assets and everything else material - that they can impart to their children. Others may have an idea of their own intangible values, but they simply lack the ability to pass them on to their descendants. Hasn't this been the way Western society has evolved, from a time when earning money was "bringing glory to God", to one which goes "God, please bless America" but is totally deprived of spirituality?
The fundamental of human nature is paradox, hence it is often not feasible to take pride in any argument that posits in either side of a binary. However, let us learn to come to terms with our incapabilities and fallacies. Let us acknowledge what it is that we cannot do or achieve well. It is then that perhaps we can further ascertain the roles we perceive we can play well. Then, just like "drinking tea is appreciating a cloud" in Buddhist Zen, realizing that the key of Life is in relationships between everything, let's synergize and combine a whole array of "values" that can be inherited by our children. Turning enmity into mutual support, blending the "soft" with the "hard", combining value generation and delivery, this is perhaps how a society can succeed. The same should be applicable to communities, and even among groups of individuals who base their affiliations not on friendship (another debatable and shaky notion in the history of Philosophy), but on mutual love. Some call this "capitalizing", but if we can remove the innate misconceptions and bias behind, it is nothing more than a term/ jargon, isn't it? Life is, after all, going beyond the surface and trying to grasp the depth of matters, even if we can only remain asymptotically close to "reality" - if there was ever one present there in the first place.
Today, however, I began to see just how important this notion of "values" is. In the first place, I guess we've never questioned the complexity of this term, and the inter-relation among all the facades of meanings it entails.
The financial crisis made us open our eyes to what "values as wealth" could mean to us eventually. It made us gloat over the demise of "bloody money-suckers" who have, anyway, been always placed at the lowest level of the social class strata in ancient China (士、农、工、商）. Nonetheless, in today's world fraught with discourses stemming from globalisation - a notion stemming from economic integration, one wonders how this balance of smugness will tilt in future. After all, "cycles" is a jargon that the financial and business sectors often take comfort in. Trace it back 2000 years, when even Lao Tze concluded from his astronomical observations, “反者，道之动”. That's perhaps the way the world functions.
Yet, all humans seek stability in what they "value". Sufficient (or more than sufficient) cash, a happy family, stable job, humanity, happiness (a notion that has in itself ignited debate since the Roman times).. Perhaps, what we have overlooked is that one can never achieve totality in his completeness. Those who indulge in the pursuit of humanities and education often lament that financial flow is their greatest concern. Have we not seen composers and writers who die a poor soul? The relatively rich - relatively, because it really depends on who you benchmark yourself with - have a good life in terms of material needs, but why is it the Chinese have managed to coin this saying “富不过三代”？Apart from the possibility that these rich people are infertile, one guess would be that they never knew how to teach their children well. In their pursuit of wealth generation, some people simply forgot to ruminate on their human-ness along the way, so there is no "values" - except cash, assets and everything else material - that they can impart to their children. Others may have an idea of their own intangible values, but they simply lack the ability to pass them on to their descendants. Hasn't this been the way Western society has evolved, from a time when earning money was "bringing glory to God", to one which goes "God, please bless America" but is totally deprived of spirituality?
The fundamental of human nature is paradox, hence it is often not feasible to take pride in any argument that posits in either side of a binary. However, let us learn to come to terms with our incapabilities and fallacies. Let us acknowledge what it is that we cannot do or achieve well. It is then that perhaps we can further ascertain the roles we perceive we can play well. Then, just like "drinking tea is appreciating a cloud" in Buddhist Zen, realizing that the key of Life is in relationships between everything, let's synergize and combine a whole array of "values" that can be inherited by our children. Turning enmity into mutual support, blending the "soft" with the "hard", combining value generation and delivery, this is perhaps how a society can succeed. The same should be applicable to communities, and even among groups of individuals who base their affiliations not on friendship (another debatable and shaky notion in the history of Philosophy), but on mutual love. Some call this "capitalizing", but if we can remove the innate misconceptions and bias behind, it is nothing more than a term/ jargon, isn't it? Life is, after all, going beyond the surface and trying to grasp the depth of matters, even if we can only remain asymptotically close to "reality" - if there was ever one present there in the first place.
2008年10月21日星期二
无以寻觅的静
在旅途中，常常一个人。于是，总以为能寻觅都心灵的静，并以此净化自己。后来才发觉，登上半山，瞭望海景，虽然有短暂的美感，但接踵而来的是那悠悠的乡思，伴随郁郁的秋绪，于是便奏成一片哀愁，以及心里无以弥补的空。
我以为，自己难以跳脱。但今早起来，包在暖暖的棉被中，瘫在软软的床褥上，双眼睁开，却梦幻似地感受到消逝已久的平静。拉上的窗帘，还未投进晨光；家中的住户，也都已出外。一个人的床，一个人的房间，一个人的屋子，一个人的早晨，一个人的世界，竟然却让我似有若无地体会生命碎片的凝聚，犹如躺在万花丛中，聆听鸟儿的啼叫，看见白云在蓝天里的微笑。这存在的和谐，感觉稍纵即逝，但又窝心。深入到骨髓之中，注入某种年轻的荷尔蒙。虽不能令我血脉崩张，却已是将我带出躯壳的狭隘，修饰乱松松的毛发，开启一道门，窥见宇宙。如此原始，却亦如此真实。
梦里，出现了一位印度籍的医生。需要绕过绵延小径，穿过热带雨林，沿着S型的石道，才能到达他的诊所。但没有门，只能他请你入内。最后一次见他，同样的情景，已是两年前的事。我掀起上衣，让他以听筒在我的心胸上划动。告诉他，我感觉心跳不规律，时快时慢；而且，与许多人不一样，我每分每秒都能听见心脏收缩释然的节奏。他笑了。年轻人，他说，这是运动后常有的现象。然而，我却好一段时间没进行剧烈运动了。他仍笑着。你没事，他说。你需要的，是熨平巨型波浪中那些细微的皱纹。
或是眼不见，或是风不起。
于是乎，恍然而觉。静，竟无法寻觅，只能等待它的到来。山水乐符，将人置于一片广阔的天地之中，但心的枷锁，却需要从内打开。一经破解，声，是无声；音，是无音。而爱，虽无法立即屏除肉欲，却已是另一番滋味。
2008年10月19日星期日
2008年10月17日星期五
孤独
罗鑫说，过了本科阶段，就不再是做梦的年代。
就算不同意，我得认同的一点是：越真实地对待自己，就会越觉孤单。
这个时候，已经很难找到纯真的友谊。投注的精力，不过是一种自我空虚的投射，但也只是聊以自慰。
已经无法要求回到小时候那样，与另一个人连续几个小时地无所不谈。
所以，只能试图回到长久以来的友人的怀抱中，但电话聊得再久，也没有满足感。只因为，他们不在身边。
更可怕的，是当电话一直没人接，或者是对方以沉默应对。
从前的我，会一头栽在工作中，于是就觉得生活充实；
如今的我，却会觉得，工作不过是生命那微不足道的一部分，只要不亏欠自己和他人就好。面对自己，才是生命最重要的，因为我的呼吸，也就为了能时刻体验自己。
“大我”、“小我”，不过也是一种对待。“空”固然好，但最高境界的“空之空”，让一切飘然，却不再需要我的存在。
孔子不是说，朝闻道，夕可死吗？
所以，有时情愿在孤独中折腾。
生命的本质是苦，存在的本质是个体。
但到了尽头，苦的本质是生命，而关系是一切存在的本质。这当然也包括了时间。
这也是为何我不愿舍弃的原因。不断地以行动制造“因”，就是因为“果”的酸甜苦辣实在是刺激得让人奇妙地感到平静。
于是，何必涅磐？
偶尔的超脱，偶尔的堕落；偶尔的静如死水，偶尔的微波生纹，偶尔的汹涌澎湃；
慈与悲，原来何等美丽。美丽得人只想成菩萨不愿成佛。
中国人啊，我们为什么会“忘了涅磐”？不是没有人教我们，而是学了之后，我们并不认可那样的存在方式。
“二十年后又是一条好汉”，才是我们所习惯的。浑浑噩噩地忍受轮回，谁说就比登上祭坛下贱？
说不定，破了对待后，我们的liberation，就在不断地转法轮之中，无始无终，直到永远。
南无大慈大悲观世音菩萨。
就算不同意，我得认同的一点是：越真实地对待自己，就会越觉孤单。
这个时候，已经很难找到纯真的友谊。投注的精力，不过是一种自我空虚的投射，但也只是聊以自慰。
已经无法要求回到小时候那样，与另一个人连续几个小时地无所不谈。
所以，只能试图回到长久以来的友人的怀抱中，但电话聊得再久，也没有满足感。只因为，他们不在身边。
更可怕的，是当电话一直没人接，或者是对方以沉默应对。
从前的我，会一头栽在工作中，于是就觉得生活充实；
如今的我，却会觉得，工作不过是生命那微不足道的一部分，只要不亏欠自己和他人就好。面对自己，才是生命最重要的，因为我的呼吸，也就为了能时刻体验自己。
“大我”、“小我”，不过也是一种对待。“空”固然好，但最高境界的“空之空”，让一切飘然，却不再需要我的存在。
孔子不是说，朝闻道，夕可死吗？
所以，有时情愿在孤独中折腾。
生命的本质是苦，存在的本质是个体。
但到了尽头，苦的本质是生命，而关系是一切存在的本质。这当然也包括了时间。
这也是为何我不愿舍弃的原因。不断地以行动制造“因”，就是因为“果”的酸甜苦辣实在是刺激得让人奇妙地感到平静。
于是，何必涅磐？
偶尔的超脱，偶尔的堕落；偶尔的静如死水，偶尔的微波生纹，偶尔的汹涌澎湃；
慈与悲，原来何等美丽。美丽得人只想成菩萨不愿成佛。
中国人啊，我们为什么会“忘了涅磐”？不是没有人教我们，而是学了之后，我们并不认可那样的存在方式。
“二十年后又是一条好汉”，才是我们所习惯的。浑浑噩噩地忍受轮回，谁说就比登上祭坛下贱？
说不定，破了对待后，我们的liberation，就在不断地转法轮之中，无始无终，直到永远。
南无大慈大悲观世音菩萨。
Confession: A prayer to God
There comes a time in life when one is rooted to an uncomfortable spot, but sees a promising landscape ahead of him that he can't wait to charge forward - though the road to the destination is concealed by foliage and god knows what creepy crawlies are hidden in the midst of it all.
A part of me says, "let's go, the journey will be interesting"; the other says, "go take a nap, you're tired".
The former whispers, "you will find inspiration - as it is, you already have a direction isn't it?" The other replies, "come on, isn't it time for dinner? Go take a walk".
The former hints, "didn't you promise to accomplish something before the end of the month, to prove to your mum that you're still the old resilient self?"
The other nudges at me, "You are afraid aren't you? Afraid of having to be faced with another challenge like today?"
The former pauses. "Look," he says. "You know you want to do something. You have a rough idea of what you want to achieve."
The other remains silent - deafening silence, and gives a sly smile.
"The thing admirable about the human spirit," the former continues, "is that you know others trust you. Even without full faith in your own capability, try while you can. You'll never know what you can achieve at the end."
The silent me interjects. "You know you are lonely isn't it? You know you want to rely on your close friends and brothers. You know power is at play, and the stakeholders at different levels of the education system harbour their own agendas. There is nothing as trust."
Shut up!
"Yes, I need to eat and sleep well", I say to the optimist.
"But", to the pessimist, "you know I have faith in what I'm doing. And I know that while close friends are often silent, I have faith in them - unwavering belief that they are there for me. The only thing now is, I no longer want to rely on them because I know my own shoulders can bear more weight than theirs can withstand my leaning head. Liberation comes from within me. As for the stakeholders, let me keep faith in the belief that so long as I am doing something to improve learning standards for the children, they will not see me as harbouring personal goals or feel pressurized by my presence. I do not seek to dominate. I only hope to bring the state of things one level up. Sincerity shall beget help and trust, I hope."
And so, I move forward. Fatigue becomes an impetus to push myself on.
If things were easy, what does the society need scholars for? Taxpayers sponsored me to contribute to the system, didn't they?
All I ask for is Trust. I will not hide from my own feelings or conceal my weakness, but I hope true friends, whom I've always tried to be there for, will not be surprised at my confession of helplessness. Instead, may they know that beneath all the whining lies a soul who tries to preserve his strength by keeping a pure faith in his task at hand. May boundaries of the heart be overcome, and let love enshrine all. That is, after all, what education is all about.
May God hear my prayers.
- A sole leaf flying in the wind, hoping he will land on the ground soon and fertilize the next tree that grows from the mud in which he slowly disappears...
A part of me says, "let's go, the journey will be interesting"; the other says, "go take a nap, you're tired".
The former whispers, "you will find inspiration - as it is, you already have a direction isn't it?" The other replies, "come on, isn't it time for dinner? Go take a walk".
The former hints, "didn't you promise to accomplish something before the end of the month, to prove to your mum that you're still the old resilient self?"
The other nudges at me, "You are afraid aren't you? Afraid of having to be faced with another challenge like today?"
The former pauses. "Look," he says. "You know you want to do something. You have a rough idea of what you want to achieve."
The other remains silent - deafening silence, and gives a sly smile.
"The thing admirable about the human spirit," the former continues, "is that you know others trust you. Even without full faith in your own capability, try while you can. You'll never know what you can achieve at the end."
The silent me interjects. "You know you are lonely isn't it? You know you want to rely on your close friends and brothers. You know power is at play, and the stakeholders at different levels of the education system harbour their own agendas. There is nothing as trust."
Shut up!
"Yes, I need to eat and sleep well", I say to the optimist.
"But", to the pessimist, "you know I have faith in what I'm doing. And I know that while close friends are often silent, I have faith in them - unwavering belief that they are there for me. The only thing now is, I no longer want to rely on them because I know my own shoulders can bear more weight than theirs can withstand my leaning head. Liberation comes from within me. As for the stakeholders, let me keep faith in the belief that so long as I am doing something to improve learning standards for the children, they will not see me as harbouring personal goals or feel pressurized by my presence. I do not seek to dominate. I only hope to bring the state of things one level up. Sincerity shall beget help and trust, I hope."
And so, I move forward. Fatigue becomes an impetus to push myself on.
If things were easy, what does the society need scholars for? Taxpayers sponsored me to contribute to the system, didn't they?
All I ask for is Trust. I will not hide from my own feelings or conceal my weakness, but I hope true friends, whom I've always tried to be there for, will not be surprised at my confession of helplessness. Instead, may they know that beneath all the whining lies a soul who tries to preserve his strength by keeping a pure faith in his task at hand. May boundaries of the heart be overcome, and let love enshrine all. That is, after all, what education is all about.
May God hear my prayers.
- A sole leaf flying in the wind, hoping he will land on the ground soon and fertilize the next tree that grows from the mud in which he slowly disappears...
2008年10月15日星期三
涂鸦：《甲虫》
浑浑噩噩，一只甲虫
背着厚重的行囊，踩着破洞的布鞋，独自攀爬。
径直向前，身躯，好似稳固，却不过是甲壳的幻想。
谁与它为伴？
新上装的钟楼，憎恶它的污秽；
绿中呈黄的叶子，在寒冷中摇摆。
蓝天，白云飘过，
却为何起飞之时，却只见雾？
爬着，动着，它依然前进着
上苍，请收敛那美妙之歌
甲虫听不见
却知道音符在凉风中飘着。
晨阳当头，轻轻照耀
鸣叫的小鸟
路边小花高傲地招惹着蝴蝶
甲虫却只能躲
在那没有光的角落。
爬着，动着，它依然前进着
上苍，请收敛那美妙之色
甲虫看不见
却知道景致在凉风中等着。
等着，等着
它如此立着
浓雾总会散去，光线总会移动
即使死去，它也会在凉风中
留下长长的身影。
2008年10月13日星期一
读者来信评《母性的力量》
虽然说只有2封来信，但能得到回响，就足以让人觉得鼓舞。
读者一：看了你写的文章，颇有同感。希望你能一如既往的写此类报道。
读者二：你好，我在新加坡联合早报的网站上读到你的文章，很欣赏你那份凝视民生的细心。同时，我在阅读中遇到不明白的地方，恰巧网页上显示着你的电邮，因此发信向你请教。你在文章倒数第二自然段中提及“软性价值观”这个说法，它的内涵到底是什么呢？它是与“硬性价值观”（如果有的话）相对吗？谢谢你的指教。
回复读者二：关于您"软性价值观"的问题，那是我对soft culture的翻译。如果说，一个国家有"硬性实力"（军备、GDP等）和"软实力"（文化、艺术等），那么，在"文化"内部，其实也可以略作区分。在现代社会中，有些values是相对外在的，如政治为了凝聚人民而赋予的国家身份、"民主主义"认同等；有些则是比较深层、内在的，如以印度而言，就是文中提到的"男尊女卑"等由宗教与传统塑造并遗留下来的价值观。我是在这个意义上，将价值观大致区分为"硬性"与"软性"的。当然，我不否认，两者可能相互纠结、渗透，但也可能出现矛盾，相互排斥。也正是这样，我避免使用"外在-内在"、"表层-深层"来进行区别，而选择以个人所感受的强加力量进行区分。您在内地，不知是否也有这样的感觉：儒家价值，比起共产党赋予的各种身份，更加强烈地扎根在文化基因中，更贴近您的心？至少，在新加坡，我是如此觉得的：父母辈通过身教所传授的价值观，总比起国家通过机制而试图塑造的价值观，显得更加的"软"。
我只所以要提"软性价值观"，是因为在印度，这些价值在人民心中扎得很深。除非来一次类似文革的价值扫荡，要铲除这些价值观内部与现代文明发展不符的因素，或至少减低它们对印度发展的阻碍，不能靠自上而下的硬性政治压力，只能是人民改变自身对个人与社会结构的信念，在基层慢慢地通过教育与对话等软性手法，进行疏导，促成改变。
网上动态：
（1）评论： 每个人都可以发挥自己的影响力。
（2）有人转载文章，却把最后一句改成“至于女人是否能如***所言，顶着半边天，则有赖于政治上与国际组织所给予她们的关注、资源与支援”。有意思。
读者一：看了你写的文章，颇有同感。希望你能一如既往的写此类报道。
读者二：你好，我在新加坡联合早报的网站上读到你的文章，很欣赏你那份凝视民生的细心。同时，我在阅读中遇到不明白的地方，恰巧网页上显示着你的电邮，因此发信向你请教。你在文章倒数第二自然段中提及“软性价值观”这个说法，它的内涵到底是什么呢？它是与“硬性价值观”（如果有的话）相对吗？谢谢你的指教。
回复读者二：关于您"软性价值观"的问题，那是我对soft culture的翻译。如果说，一个国家有"硬性实力"（军备、GDP等）和"软实力"（文化、艺术等），那么，在"文化"内部，其实也可以略作区分。在现代社会中，有些values是相对外在的，如政治为了凝聚人民而赋予的国家身份、"民主主义"认同等；有些则是比较深层、内在的，如以印度而言，就是文中提到的"男尊女卑"等由宗教与传统塑造并遗留下来的价值观。我是在这个意义上，将价值观大致区分为"硬性"与"软性"的。当然，我不否认，两者可能相互纠结、渗透，但也可能出现矛盾，相互排斥。也正是这样，我避免使用"外在-内在"、"表层-深层"来进行区别，而选择以个人所感受的强加力量进行区分。您在内地，不知是否也有这样的感觉：儒家价值，比起共产党赋予的各种身份，更加强烈地扎根在文化基因中，更贴近您的心？至少，在新加坡，我是如此觉得的：父母辈通过身教所传授的价值观，总比起国家通过机制而试图塑造的价值观，显得更加的"软"。
我只所以要提"软性价值观"，是因为在印度，
网上动态：
（1）评论： 每个人都可以发挥自己的影响力。
（2）有人转载文章，却把最后一句改成“至于女人是否能如***所言，顶着半边天，则有赖于政治上与国际组织所给予她们的关注、资源与支援”。有意思。
母性的力量，就在于她所蕴含的爆发力，以及对个人和社会的影响。这也是它千百年来不断触动人心的原因。写这篇文章的初衷，便是希望分享这份感动。
如今已化为现实，在天际凝望我一举一动的那位，应该会欣慰地微笑吧？
如今已化为现实，在天际凝望我一举一动的那位，应该会欣慰地微笑吧？
2008年10月12日星期日
母性的力量
备注：这篇文章刊登于今天的《联合早报》。
奶粉事件，闹得人心惶惶。在一片谴责、讨伐与反思的声浪中，我却注意到香港新闻中的这些画面：一些母亲在假日依然紧紧抱着孩子在医院的铁栅前排队，脸上露出焦虑，等待铁栅拉起；医生向一位母亲说，孩子情况良好，该母亲明显松了一口气，却再三地向医生确认检验的结果；奶粉下架，一位妇女站在空空的架子前，茫然若失，并叹了一声，轻轻地向记者说： “该给孩子喝什么好呢……”
令我非常兴奋。而联合国在上个月召开“千禧年发展目标”会议前夕，联合国亚太经济与社会委员会执行秘书 Noeleen Heyzer在《海峡时报》上所发表的《戴着“性别”眼镜审视发展目标》（ A hard look at goals with genderised lens）一文，也恰恰表明了，就算是在次发达国家中，女性与母性，也是社会进步不可忽视的力量泉源。至于女人是否能如毛泽东所言，顶着半边天，则有赖于政治上与国际组织所给予她们的关注、资源与支援。
后记：每年十月，是令我感伤的季节。今年的10月31日，是我母亲三周年忌日。这文章，虽然谈的还是近来的时事与我的见闻，但纸背的情感，则源于我对母亲的思念。
奶粉事件，闹得人心惶惶。在一片谴责、
这些影像，让我为之动容。同时，
有人或许会说，这不过是刻意的做作。但我认为，
说到这里，突然想起近来翻阅的一本书，名为《
作者问她，既然已经圆了梦，是否已经满足。
同样的母性力量，也适用于印度。当时，
后记：每年十月，是令我感伤的季节。今年的10月31日，是我母亲三周年忌日。这文章，虽然谈的还是近来的时事与我的见闻，但纸背的情感，则源于我对母亲的思念。
2008年10月9日星期四
背景音乐：Forgotten Season
送给妈妈。三年了。
Even now, it is in my remembrance 到现在我还记得
The last night of October 十月的最后一夜
Leaving only words with unknown meanings 留下的，只有意思不明的文字
We’ve parted our ways 我们就此分离
An expression of loneliness on that day 那天孤单的表情
Would that be your truth 是你的真相吗
Unable to say a word of justification 无法再说一字辩解
Must I be forgotten 难道，我得被遗忘
A season that always returns 一个不断归来的季节
Bestows me with a dream, however. 却赐予我一个梦
A dream that cannot be realized is sorrowful 一个无法实现的梦，悲伤
Brings me to tears 使我落泪
2008年10月8日星期三
Mindfulness
Mindfulness of Ourselves
Mindfulness of Others
by Thich Nhat Hanh
Peace Walk 2002
September 28, 2002
Memphis, Tennessee
Let us enjoy our breathing.
Breathing in--I feel I am alive.
Breathing out--I smile to life.
To Life…smiling to life
Anger. There's a seed of anger in every one of us. There is also a seed of fear, a seed of despair. And when the seed of anger manifests, we should know how to recognize it, how to embrace it, and how to bring [ourselves] relief. When the seed of fear manifests itself as energy in the upper level of our consciousness, we should be able to recognize it, to embrace it tenderly, and to transform it. And the agent of transformation and healing is called mindfulness.
*****
Mindfulness is another kind of energy that is in us in the form of a seed also. If we know how to practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, mindful smiling, then we should be able to touch the seed of mindfulness in us and transform it into a zone of energy. And with that energy of mindfulness, we can recognize our anger, our fear, our despair. We practice recognizing and embracing.
When a mother working in the kitchen hears the cries of her baby, she puts anything she is holding down and goes to the room of the baby, picks the baby up and holds the baby dearly in her arms. We do exactly the same thing when the seed of anger and fear manifest in us; our fear, our anger is our baby. Let us not try to suppress and to fight our fear and our anger. Let us recognize its presence; let us embrace it tenderly like a mother embracing her baby.
When a mother embraces her baby, the energy of tenderness begins to penetrate into the body of the baby. The mother does not know, yet, what is the cause of the suffering of the baby, but the fact that she is holding the baby tenderly can already help. The energy of tenderness and compassion in a mother begins to penetrate into the body of the baby, and the baby gets some relief right away. The baby may stop crying. And if the mother knows how to continue the practice of holding the baby mindfully, tenderly, she will be able to discover the cause of the suffering of the baby.
*****
When the seed of anger is watered, when the seed of fear is watered, whether by yourself or by another person or by the mass media--because the mass media in this country has watered a lot the seed of anger and fear in us--we should know how to recognize, embrace and bring relief to our anger and our fear.
The attitude is the attitude of non-duality, non-violence. Our fear, our anger are not our enemies; they are us. We have to treat our fear, our anger in a most non-violent way, the most non-dualistic way, like we are treating our own baby. So if you are a good practitioner of meditation, you will know exactly what to do when the seed of anger is watered and begins to manifest in the upper level of your consciousness. With the practice of mindful breathing or mindful walking, you generate the energy of mindfulness, and exactly with that energy, you can recognize the energy of anger, of fear in you.
Anger is… energy number one. By practicing mindful breathing or mindful walking, we generate the energy number two: the energy of mindfulness. We call it in Buddhist terms: mindfulness of anger. Mindfulness is always mindfulness of something. When you drink your water mindfully, that is called mindfulness of drinking. When you eat mindfully, that is called mindfulness of eating. When you breathe mindfully, in and out, that is called mindfulness of breathing. When you walk mindfully, it is called mindfulness of walking.
So, when you recognize your anger, embrace your anger tenderly with that energy of mindfulness, it is called mindfulness of anger, mindfulness of despair, mindfulness of fear. We should be able to learn and help the young people to learn how to do it. It's very important.
The Buddha offers us very concrete and simple exercises in order to become mindful. The first exercise on mindful breathing is: Breathing in--I know I am breathing in. Breathing out--I know I am breathing out. You can reduce the length of the sentence to one word. In. Out. While you are breathing in, you just recognize that this is your in breath, and you use the word, in. And you are wholly concentrated on your in breath. Nothing else.
You become your in breath. You're not thinking of anything. You're not thinking of the past, of the future, of your projects. You release everything. You just follow your in breath, and you become one with your in breath. And the energy of mindfulness is generated together with the energy of concentration.
*****
If you are an organic gardener, you know that a flower is made of several elements that may be called non-flower elements: the sunshine, the cloud, the minerals and the seed. And among the non-flower elements, there is the element compost… garbage. The garden always produces garbage.
If you are an organic gardener, you know how to handle the garbage. You know the techniques of transforming the garbage back into compost and into flowers. You don't have to throw away anything at all. So, the energy of fear, of anger should be considered to be the garbage. Let it be produced, because it can become the art of mindful living.
So, now we should learn how to handle the garbage in us, namely, craving, anger, fear and despair. We should not be afraid of the garbage in us if we know how to transform it back into joy, into peace.
*****
…Mindfulness has the power, has the capacity of helping us to recognize what is there in the present moment. When anger is there, we recognize the fact that anger is there. When fear is there, we recognize the fact that fear is there. And the practice is not to fight, to suppress, but to recognize and to embrace.
"Oh my little anger, I know you. You are my old friend. I will take good care of you. Oh my little fear, I know you are always there. I will take good care of you." That is the attitude of non-duality, the attitude of non-violence, because we know that mindfulness is us; love is us; but fear and anger are us, also.
Let us not fight. Let us only take care and transform. The organic gardener doesn't have to fight the garbage placed in (or created by) the garden. She knows exactly what to do in order to handle the garbage, in order to transform it back into cucumber, into tomatoes, et cetera.
The first function of mindfulness is to recognize what is there, positive or negative. The second function of mindfulness is to embrace it and to get deeply in touch with it. If it is a positive thing like a blue sky or the beautiful face of a child, that becomes something very nourishing, very healing for us. And if it is something negative, like hatred or fear, we should be able to embrace it and bring relief to it.
The third function of mindfulness is to help us look deeply into the nature of what is there; in this case, fear or anger. The nature of something means the root of that something: how this fear has been created; how this anger has manifested. Look deeply into the nature of our fear and our anger in order to see their true nature. When we understand, when we have insight into the nature of our fear and our anger, that insight will help transform our fear, our anger into positive energies.
Looking deeply helps us to recognize, to realize things that we have not realized before. In the past three years, we have been bringing groups of Israelis and Palestinians to Plum Village (where we live and practice) to support their practice. We have learned a lot from them, also. When they arrive, they always bring with them a lot of fear, a lot of anger, a lot of suspicion. They could not talk to each other, because everyone has a lot of suspicion and anger and fear in himself or herself....
The groups of Israelis and Palestinians, when they arrive, they are introduced to the practice of mindful breathing and mindful walking right away. The practice helps to generate the energy of mindfulness so they can recognize and embrace their fear, their anger, their suspicion, their despair. We do it together with the support of the International Community of Meditation.
The Jews and Palestinians practice sitting together, eating mindfully and silently together, walking together, breathing together for a number of days -- seven days, eight days, nine days. Every day they listen to a Dharma talk in order to receive the teachings on how to do the practice of mindfully recognizing their fear, their anger, their suspicion and their despair, how to embrace them and how to treat them with nonviolence and non-duality.
About ten days are necessary for each of them to be able to see more clearly, because anger and fear prevent us from seeing things clearly, especially when anger or fear has become collective.
When anger has become collective, when fear has become collective, it's extremely dangerous for our nation and for the world. That is why we should practice not only as individuals but also as communities, as nations.
With the support of the international community, the Jews and the Palestinians are able to come down, and now they are assisted in the practice of listening deeply with compassion to the other groups.
Listening to our own suffering, our own fear, our own anger is the first thing we have to do as a person and as a community. After that, when we have some insight about the roots of our fear, our anger, our despair, then we can listen to other groups of people.
While listening, you have to practice mindful breathing in order to keep calm, to maintain compassion in you, because that practice of deep listening is also called the practice of compassionate listening.
Compassionate listening means to listen with one purpose: helping the other side, the other person to express himself or herself and to get relief. You don't listen to criticize. You just listen in order to give the other person a chance to empty his heart; to empty her heart in order to get relief.
*****
When you can listen like that for one hour to the other person, he or she will get relief. During the whole time of listening, you keep your practice of mindful breathing, in order to maintain compassion. If these two things do not exist during the time of listening, your listening will not have a good effect.
Even if the other side says things that are full of wrong perceptions, blaming and judgment, you are still capable of listening with compassion. This is extremely important. And that is possible only with the practice of mindful breathing and the maintaining of compassion during the whole time of listening. We have to train ourselves for at least one week in order to be able to do it and to help our beloved one get relief.
When you are the person who speaks, you practice gentle speech, loving speech. You have the right, and you have a duty to tell the other group of people, the other person, what is in your heart. But you have to use the kind of language that can convey your feelings, that can convey your insights, your suffering to the other person; namely, the language of love and kindness.
If you do not use the language of love and kindness, then you touch off the energy of anger and hatred in the other person, and he or she will not be able to listen to you. That is why it is very important to practice loving speech, gentle speech. That is the subject of the fourth mindfulness training in the Buddhist tradition.
So, with the assistance and the support of the Plum Village community, the two groups sit down and practice listening to each other and using gentle speech. It works very well always. Listening like that in the presence of many, many other practitioners, you realize-- maybe for the first time-- that on the other side they are human beings also, and they have already suffered very deeply because of anger, of hatred, of violence, of despair.
The moment that you realize they are human beings who have suffered deeply also, compassion begins to arise in your heart, and now you are able to look at them with the eyes of compassion. You have become a Bodhisattva, capable of using the eyes of compassion in order to look at other living human beings.
Fourteen days or twenty-one days can produce a miracle. There are people who say, after having been in Plum Village, "I believe that peace is possible in the Middle East." Both groups want to bring home the practice; to organize sessions of practice among friends. Now they have set up Sanghas, communities of practice--a little bit everywhere in the Middle East. And they want to maintain their practice, because their practice helped them maintain compassion and insight, [and allowed them] not to be drowned in the ocean of despair.
It is our conviction that if their leaders come together and practice the same kind of practice, they will be able to bring peace and reconciliation to the Middle East.
If we practice, if we organize a peace conference supported by many nations, and if we organize so that the two parties have a chance to try this kind of practice, then the peace conference will bring a wonderful result. Because if you still have a lot of anger, a lot of suspicion, a lot of hatred, it would be extremely difficult for you to come to an agreement that will really bring peace and well-being to the two nations, the two people.
*****
I would like to tell you the story of a couple who live in California. They have practiced in this mindful way. The lady, who is a Catholic, wanted to commit suicide, because she had suffered so much. There was no joy in her life anymore. Her husband was like a bomb, ready to explode at any time. He had a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness, a lot of frustration, a lot of violence in him. The three children, who attended university, were very afraid of coming close to their father. Their father would get angry at anything--would explode at any time. He believed that his wife and his three children were boycotting him, and that made his anger and frustration grow bigger and bigger every day.
*****
The lady had a friend, a Buddhist practitioner, who was aware of her situation, and who had tried to persuade her to listen to a Dharma talk given by her teacher. The title of the Dharma talk, in the form of a cassette tape, is "How to Diffuse a Bomb."
When you contain within yourself too much violence, too much anger, you become very tense. You become like a bomb. You suffer very much, and you spill your suffering all over the people who live with you, and people are afraid of you. They don't want to approach you, and then you believe that everyone is boycotting you. You are extremely lonely.
The Buddhist lady believed that if her friend listened to the Dharma talk, she would know how to help diffuse the bomb in her husband. But that lady considered herself a Catholic. She said, "I am a Catholic. Why should I listen to this kind of stuff?"
But the morning that [the lady] called and announced that she was going to die, her Buddhist friend asked her to come over right away. She wanted to see her for the last time, and this time she tried her best to convince the lady to listen to the talk. She said, "You always said that I am your best friend, and the only thing I ask you to do is to listen to the Dharma talk of my teacher. I don't think that you are truly my friend." That challenge helped. The lady told herself, "Now, I am going to die. Why don't I satisfy the person I consider to be my friend." So she agreed to listen to the Dharma talk.
The Buddhist lady withdrew in order to allow her friend to be alone in the living room, and she began to listen to the cassette tape. As she listened to the Dharma talk, insight came to her. She recognized the fact that the suffering in her had not been created only by her husband, but by herself. And the suffering in her husband had not been created by her husband alone, but she had participated in creating the suffering in him.
When she listened to the Dharma talk, she realized that in the last six years, she never used the kind of language that is called loving speech. She always blamed him. She always used a very sour language, full of blaming and judgment. She realized she had made the situation worse every day, and she felt that she was partly responsible for her own suffering and the suffering of her husband.
When you suffer, you have the tendency to blame the other person as the only source of your suffering. You don't recognize that you are responsible to some extent for your suffering, and you have also created the suffering of the other person. That was her insight during the time that she listened to the talk, and her heart opened, and for the first time in so many years, she felt sorry. She felt compassion for herself and for her husband.
She was animated, inspired by the idea of going home and helping her husband by practicing listening deeply, listening with compassion. She became very enthusiastic. But her Buddhist friend said, "No, my friend. You are still very weak. You have to train yourself at least one week in order to be able to do so. Because if you listen to him, and if his language is full of blaming and wrong perceptions, you will interrupt him and spoil everything. You have to train yourself first. Let me propose to you this. My teacher is coming from France, and he is going to offer in the Bay area two retreats, one for the Vietnamese-speaking people and one for the English-speaking people. Why don't you sign up for the first retreat?"
The Catholic lady accepted, and during the six-day retreat, she practiced with all her heart, because for her it was a matter of life and death. That is why she invested herself entirely into the practice. She learned how to breathe, how to walk, how to embrace the suffering in her, how to use the kind of loving speech that will be able to open the heart of her husband. And with the support of other practitioners, she went very deeply into the practice.
The night that she came home, she put into practice what she had learned on the retreat. She was very silent that night, practicing mindful breathing, mindful walking. And, finally, she came and sat down close to [her husband], and she began to speak. She said, "My husband, I know that you have suffered terribly during the past six or seven years. I have not been able to help you, and I have made the situation worse. I am sorry. I did not know how to listen to you. I didn't know what was going on in your heart, in your mind. I was blind. I was unable to see. And that is why I have made the situation worse. I didn't want you to suffer. I wanted you to be happy, but because I did not know how, I have made the situation worse. So, please, my husband, please help me. Please tell me what is in your heart. I want to understand so that I will not repeat the unskillful things I have done. I am very sorry. You have to help me; alone I cannot change."
She was very surprised to see him begin to cry like a little boy. Seeing that, she knew that the door of communication had opened. So she practiced mindful breathing, deeply, and she insisted, "Please, my husband, please tell me what is in your heart. I will try to listen. I will try to understand. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to suffer."
It turned out, that that night was a very healing night for both of them. She was very successful in her practice of deep listening and using loving speech, and she was able to restore communication. She was able to convince him to sign up for the second retreat of mindfulness. And during the last day of the second retreat, he stood up and he introduced his wife as a bodhisattva. (A bodhisattva in Buddhism means an enlightened being who is able to help other people to be enlightened, also.)
*****
It is my conviction that the practice of the Israeli and Palestinian groups, the practice of that couple in California can be applied as the practice in the international political scenery. The principle of the practice is to go home to yourself and listen to your own suffering and raise your own suffering and despair and fear. That is what I proposed last year after 9/11.
Two days after the 9/11 event, I spoke to four thousand people in Brooklyn. I proposed that America should go back to herself, practicing mindful breathing and embracing the pain, the suffering, the fear, the anger, and listening to the suffering of America. On the 25th of September that year, I spoke at the Riverside Church in New York City with Ambassador Andrew Young. We went to Ground Zero the day after, and I again proposed that [America] should embrace this practice of going home to herself, listening to her own suffering; that she must bring relief to herself before she can do something to help the situation in the world.
In the United States of America, there are people-- sections of the population-- who feel that they are victims of social injustice and discrimination. They feel that they have never been listened to. Suffering is there in America, and America has to practice listening to her own pain and suffering.
This is the first step. There are vast resources of peace in this country. There are those of us in America who have the capacity to listen deeply and with compassion to the suffering of America. We should be able to look around, to identify them, and to invite them to come in order to form a parliament for deep listening, a kind of counsel of sages, in order to practice listening to the suffering of our own nation, of our own people.
Then we should be able to invite those people who have felt that they're victims of social injustice and discrimination to come in order to tell us about their suffering. We should have people who come and help them to practice calming, embracing their suffering, help them use the kind of language that can convey the suffering, the feeling within themselves, exactly like in the case of that couple, exactly like in the case of the Palestinians and Israelis in Plum Village.….
America can act compassionately within her frontiers in order to heal the wounds, to mend the wounds within America first. This is the first step. We cannot do the second step before we can make the first step. If you want to help other countries, other groups of people like Afghanistan and the others, we have to help ourselves first, …all of us know that this has to begin with one's self. So, acting with compassion and wisdom within our own frontiers is the first step.
*****
Then bringing that practice into the international levels, America can ask other nations to help create sessions of deep listening where America can participate.
Around the world there are those who are capable of being compassionate, of being attentive, of being able to listen deeply. You shall invite them to come and listen. Other groups who believe that they have been victims of injustice, that they are mistreated by America and other big nations, they are invited to come and to tell the world about their suffering, their fear, their anger.
If we have not been able to listen to our fear, our anger, we cannot listen and understand the fear and the anger of other nations and people. Then there are those of us who can come as volunteers to help these people to breathe, to walk, to calm down, to use the kind of language that can convey what is deep in their heart.
*****
…Looking deeply, we realize that hate, violence, anger, and terrorism are born from wrong perceptions. [Others] may have wrong perceptions of themselves, and they may have wrong perceptions of us, and they have acted on the basis of these wrong perceptions.
In order for them not to continue, the only way is to help them remove these wrong perceptions of themselves and of us, and that work cannot be done by the Army. That work cannot be done by bombs and guns. That can only be done with the practice of deep listening, compassionate listening, and loving speech. We have to support our political leaders in this practice.
*****
One of the deepest teachings given by Buddha is that you should not be too sure of your perceptions. You have to practice looking deeply in order not to be fooled by your perceptions. If you are a doctor, you have to be very careful. Even if you are sure, check again. This kind of practice should be applied in our political life also.
The mass media has the duty of informing the people about what is happening. Journalists, reporters should be able to be calm, not to be carried away by their emotions, their feelings, their anger, their despair, in order to report well, to reflect the situation with more accuracy.
Our political leaders have to train themselves in order not to be carried away by fear, by anger. They should be able to retain their lucidity for the sake of the nation and of the world. When fear and anger has become collective, the situation becomes extremely dangerous for everyone. That is why we have to bring a spiritual dimension to our political life.
*****
You have elected your government. You have elected your House of Representatives and your Senate. You should continue to support them. You should continue to give them the kind of information that helps them correct their poor perceptions.
The situation of our country, of our world, is [too important] to be entrusted only to politicians. As a mother, as a father, as a school teacher, as a doctor, you have to practice in order to remain calm, in order to look deeply, in order to understand, and you have to convey your insight, your compassion to your elected people. You have to practice. We cannot leave the matter only to our politicians.
In Buddhist psychology, we speak of consciousness in terms of seeds. In the lower level, lower layer of our consciousness, there is a part that is called store consciousness. Store consciousness is the place where all the seeds of mental formations are preserved.
There is a seed of fear; there is a seed of anger; there is a seed of despair; there is a seed of peace; there is a seed of joy; there is a seed of loving kindness--all the good seeds and all the negative seeds that have been transmitted to us by our ancestors, our parents. It depends on the environment where we live, [but] such seeds can be watered several times a day.
Our children watch television three hours a day or even more. And during the time they watch television, their seed of fear, of anger, of craving may be watered, and they continue to grow. We have to create, we have to produce television programs that are able to water the seed of compassion, joy, peace, loving kindness.
That is why mindful consumption is very important. When you read a magazine, you consume. When you listen to music, you consume. When we begin a conversation, we consume, because a conversation can also be highly toxic.
If a man or a woman is full of fear, of despair, of hatred, and if we listen to him or to her for an hour, the poisons will penetrate into store consciousness, and make the seed of fear and anger grow very quickly. That is why the practice of mindful consumption, including consumption of conversation, is very crucial for self-protection, for the protection of our family and society.
*****
... We should be able to stop violence and to take up the path of reconciliation and peace. This is possible. I have the conviction that America has enough wisdom and courage and compassion in order to pick up that path of reconciliation and healing.
*****
When we listen to the other person, to the other group of persons, you get insight about their suffering, their difficulty, their fear, and their anger. And at the same time, you realize that we do have wrong perceptions also. We have done, we have said things that have created misunderstanding. We have not understood us completely. We have not understood them completely. We vow to practice in order to have a better understanding of ourselves and of them so that our action will be in the direction of peace.
America will learn a lot with the practice of deep listening and compassionate listening. The insights she will get will be able to serve as the ground for repairing the damage she has done to herself in America and she has done in other parts of the world. She will be able to help remove the wrong perceptions of the people outside of America, about America, and about themselves.
It is my conviction that [she must work to] remove wrong perceptions--for that is the base, the foundation of hatred and violence and terrorism. That work cannot be done by the bombs. It should be done by the practice of deep listening, compassionate listening, and loving speech.
*****
My dear friends, peace is not something we can only hope for. Peace is something we can contemplate in our daily life by our practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, embracing our fear, our anger, producing the energy of understanding and compassion. And with that element of peace in us, we should be able to support our government, our Congress.
And let us remember that peace is in our hands. We can do something for peace every day. Let us practice as individuals. Let us practice as communities, as Sanghas, and let us give peace a chance.
Copyright 2002 Thich Nhat HanhA letter to someone I cared about
Let me begin with today's horoscope from SCMP:
Inspiration comes in many forms and at the moment they're likely to come from unexpected sources. This being the case don't worry about other people's moods or your own anxiety if you don't find enlightenment immediately. Trust that it will come in the next few weeks.
Finally, something that seems to be very relevant for me.
These days, I have been worried about your silence. Not that I need comfort or whatever, but because in the past you'd always tell me that you are just busy and that I don't have to worry, but this time round you are unusually quiet. I cannot but uncontrollably think whether something not good has happened, though in my heart I'm praying it's not. This is especially so since you mentioned before that your loved ones are not in good health. So you see, I am not pestering you because I want attention or whatever. I am just worried. All I need from you is simply "oh, you've been thinking too much. Everything's fine, don't worry". Just one sentence, to set my heart at ease.
The reason why I am so concerned is because while most of my other friends will be forthcoming when they face problems, you seem to like to hide your feelings thinking that this is the way to show that you can handle everything well. It's not wrong, except that it sometimes makes those who care about you feel lost and worried because the real side never shows itself. If you can be frank in what's happening in your life and your feelings, I think you wouldn't see such a kind of worried response from me.
Having to hide one's feelings is a pathetic state of being. I've been through the same phase, so I know. Rather than being strong, on hindsight, I see it as a form of escapism and cowardice. Precisely because we lack confidence, that's why we need to hide in a shell like a hermit and hope that we can deal with things or simply hope they'll blow over soon.
It is also such a kind of personality that makes it tiring to care for you as a friend.
That said, you know I seldom give up totally on people. What I have decided, however, is that if you still remain to stay like this, I will certainly have to stay further away, because getting myself overly involved is painful for me too, in case you don't know. There's a metaphor that goes, if the sand keeps slipping through your fingers, let them be and don't bother to hold them back, for you'll never will.
I think it is true that after going through a phase where I helped to heal a little bit of your broken heart, you would like to move on relying more on yourself. I acknowledge that, and so, do whatever you want and live in the way that you think you can find happiness. I don't need reciprocation in any form, because like the horoscope said, inspiration comes in many forms. If I have a healing hand, I would like to use it on those who need it more.
So, feel free to contact me whenever my help is needed. Otherwise, I will presume that you are living well, and you can just focus on the piece(s) of the jigsaw that you feel is most important now - which I would presume to be work and family. So long as we live with a peaceful heart and mind, that's enough, isn't it?
Just a few last words. I am writing in the most cool-headed mood, and all I want to say is, all my pestering calls and mails just seek the answer to this one question of "are you fine". That's all. But if you feel that work and other commitments are holding you back from giving me something as simply as even that, then I think I shall respect you. It is just that you have to realize that occasional spurts of "bad blood" will inevitably spoil relationships and distant people. We may think we have reason for feeling how we feel and for choosing to hide away, but always remember that this is ultimately being self-centred. Whether it is with family, your love partner or friends, never condone yourself to negligence because of the problems you are facing. Otherwise, the day when you finally step out of your own shadow, you will realize that most of the doors beyond yourself would have closed on you. When that day comes, you may not get any responses no matter how hard you knock - and you'll be all the more isolated.
That's all I hope you can understand. It's not the first time I'm saying things like this. I know, you'll say you need time, and "slowly and surely" things will change. I seriously hope so. In the meantime, I shall go on to my other focuses in life, and seeking inspiration in those other aspects. There is no longer any anticipation on my part of your responses or "long letters", because in case you don't know, waiting is a terrible chore.
I shall begin with mountain-climbing this evening. In the past, I may have hope that you'll be able to share the sceneries with me. Today, however, I think I'll feel contented just being on my own, and feeling at ease with seeing you like a passing cloud above the mountains, ever-moving and disappearing from sight after a while.
The smile has not been lost on my face, and I hope it is the same with you. =)
Inspiration comes in many forms and at the moment they're likely to come from unexpected sources. This being the case don't worry about other people's moods or your own anxiety if you don't find enlightenment immediately. Trust that it will come in the next few weeks.
Finally, something that seems to be very relevant for me.
These days, I have been worried about your silence. Not that I need comfort or whatever, but because in the past you'd always tell me that you are just busy and that I don't have to worry, but this time round you are unusually quiet. I cannot but uncontrollably think whether something not good has happened, though in my heart I'm praying it's not. This is especially so since you mentioned before that your loved ones are not in good health. So you see, I am not pestering you because I want attention or whatever. I am just worried. All I need from you is simply "oh, you've been thinking too much. Everything's fine, don't worry". Just one sentence, to set my heart at ease.
The reason why I am so concerned is because while most of my other friends will be forthcoming when they face problems, you seem to like to hide your feelings thinking that this is the way to show that you can handle everything well. It's not wrong, except that it sometimes makes those who care about you feel lost and worried because the real side never shows itself. If you can be frank in what's happening in your life and your feelings, I think you wouldn't see such a kind of worried response from me.
Having to hide one's feelings is a pathetic state of being. I've been through the same phase, so I know. Rather than being strong, on hindsight, I see it as a form of escapism and cowardice. Precisely because we lack confidence, that's why we need to hide in a shell like a hermit and hope that we can deal with things or simply hope they'll blow over soon.
It is also such a kind of personality that makes it tiring to care for you as a friend.
That said, you know I seldom give up totally on people. What I have decided, however, is that if you still remain to stay like this, I will certainly have to stay further away, because getting myself overly involved is painful for me too, in case you don't know. There's a metaphor that goes, if the sand keeps slipping through your fingers, let them be and don't bother to hold them back, for you'll never will.
I think it is true that after going through a phase where I helped to heal a little bit of your broken heart, you would like to move on relying more on yourself. I acknowledge that, and so, do whatever you want and live in the way that you think you can find happiness. I don't need reciprocation in any form, because like the horoscope said, inspiration comes in many forms. If I have a healing hand, I would like to use it on those who need it more.
So, feel free to contact me whenever my help is needed. Otherwise, I will presume that you are living well, and you can just focus on the piece(s) of the jigsaw that you feel is most important now - which I would presume to be work and family. So long as we live with a peaceful heart and mind, that's enough, isn't it?
Just a few last words. I am writing in the most cool-headed mood, and all I want to say is, all my pestering calls and mails just seek the answer to this one question of "are you fine". That's all. But if you feel that work and other commitments are holding you back from giving me something as simply as even that, then I think I shall respect you. It is just that you have to realize that occasional spurts of "bad blood" will inevitably spoil relationships and distant people. We may think we have reason for feeling how we feel and for choosing to hide away, but always remember that this is ultimately being self-centred. Whether it is with family, your love partner or friends, never condone yourself to negligence because of the problems you are facing. Otherwise, the day when you finally step out of your own shadow, you will realize that most of the doors beyond yourself would have closed on you. When that day comes, you may not get any responses no matter how hard you knock - and you'll be all the more isolated.
That's all I hope you can understand. It's not the first time I'm saying things like this. I know, you'll say you need time, and "slowly and surely" things will change. I seriously hope so. In the meantime, I shall go on to my other focuses in life, and seeking inspiration in those other aspects. There is no longer any anticipation on my part of your responses or "long letters", because in case you don't know, waiting is a terrible chore.
I shall begin with mountain-climbing this evening. In the past, I may have hope that you'll be able to share the sceneries with me. Today, however, I think I'll feel contented just being on my own, and feeling at ease with seeing you like a passing cloud above the mountains, ever-moving and disappearing from sight after a while.
The smile has not been lost on my face, and I hope it is the same with you. =)
2008年10月7日星期二
余光中新诗《藕神祠》
藕神祠
──濟南人在大明湖畔為李清照立藕神祠
天妒佳偶，只橫刀一分
就把美滿截成了兩半
一半歸戰前，一半給亂後
亦如金兵劈大宋的江山
成南宋與北宋，即使岳飛
也無力用頭顱討還
無情的刃鋒啊過處
國破之痛更添上家亡
憑愛情，怎麼能拼得攏呢
才女淪落江湖成難民
愛妻一回首成了遺孀
菩薩蠻
鷓鴣天
聲聲慢
難堪最是遲暮的心情
最怕是春歸了秣陵樹
人老了偏在健康城
夢裏的滄桑，鏡中的眉眼
難掩半生曾經的明艷
曾經戰前兩小的親暱
綽約風姿，只能尋尋覓覓
向小令的字裏行間
蓮子雖心苦，藕節卻心甘
情人遺憾，用詩來補償
歷史不足，有廟可瞻仰
你是濟南的最愛，藕神
整面大明湖是你的妝鏡
映照甜蜜的哀愁，高貴的美
藕斷千年，有絲纖纖
嫋嫋不絕，仍一縷相牽
恰似黑瓦紅扉的藕神詞前
四足銅爐的香燭迎風
仍牽動所有禱客的思念
──2008.3.28
近作〈藕神祠〉（二ＯＯ八年），哀悼中國最令人瞻仰而又低迴的女詩人李清照，對應初作〈沙浮投海〉 所寫的希臘女詩人，是穿越六十年歲月的巧合，或是神秘繫聯？
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