Reply to a friend's email

...If a particular theory/idea/conception/work appeals so much that it draws you in deeply, do beware. I have not finished Orientalism, but let's not neglect the fact that our basis of concurring with many of the points raised could be due to our own experiences - esp how ignorant the West can be of the East, and how interpretations are often distorted. Nonetheless, history is never simplistic. In the history of China, missionaries (esp Jesuit missionaries like Matteo Ricci) have played a part in its development; at the same time we could be over-generalizing if we assume that ALL accounts of the East by colonial masters are distorted. Westerners often impose their own interpretations with coloured lens, but whether it is intentional or otherwise warrants closer examination. In my own research, I have also discovered that many Western theories on Education do not fit Asian societies totally, to the extent that they sometimes fail to provide any basis for explaining Asian phenomena. For eg, in areas like China education policies, researchers in HKU have come up with "structured ambiguity", "tolerated illegality" etc to describe how despite the presence of resistance towards policies from the Central government, many provinces are still able to make progress.

It may seem unreasonable to expect third world countries to care about the environment when they cannot even feed themselves. Some cynics go as far as saying that either way, death is the final result. Nonetheless, it is precisely in these under-developed areas that people are most vulnerable. A typhoon can sweep through a state in US and the government can react in time, but if the same happens for an African nation, the effects could be detrimental. Yes, those who have money and who are making more money by the day are mostly responsible for pollution etc, but the crux of the issue here lies in the survival of our human race, not finding the "right" party to blame. It may be a Singaporean "small-island" mentality at play that has caused many of us, in a sub-conscious manner or otherwise, to forget the world-at-large, and to overlook issues that are so close to us. Hold your indignation, for the time has come to adopt an all-embracing stance and hopefully stall the degradation of our environment. Am I sounding like an UN spokesperson? Haha.. Nonetheless, I think there is value in understanding the Millennium Development Goals, and follow its state of implementation. Google it and try to know something about it. I will be writing an article this weekend that is indirectly related to the MDGs, particularly the need to focus on the needs of females within a community, especially in developing nations. Perhaps many Singaporeans may not find this topic appealing, but to those who care, I hope my words can prove intriguing enough for them to start caring for a greater world beyond rising transport fees, ERP and F1. We may not be able to do anything, but if we are to brand ourselves as being sufficiently enlightened, we also need to step out of the Singaporean or Asian frame of mind. In Hong Kong, it is hard at times to reconcile the Singapore I know with what others expect of the nation - especially when these expectations and criticisms are reasonable. I also do not want to appear over-defensive, but I realized that the way to make people appreciate our stand is to have in-depth understanding of theirs. In the process of comparison, interaction takes place and both parties get to see their own contexts - as well as the way they view the other's context - in a better light.

I have a lecturer teaching Curriculum studies who's born in China, studied in Princeton, worked in Singapore for 8 yrs and holds a Singaporean passport, and who is lecturing in HK now. He is often very skeptical about our education policies and systems, and through comparison with other contexts, Singapore does become a laughing stock in his interpretation. Sometimes, when I feel that his understanding is too shallow, I do try to counter-propose an understanding. Yet, what can I say when the whole class gets "amazed" at knowing we sing the national anthem every day? It made me realize that such displays of patriotism are not even practised in PRC, but at the same time, I am all the more proud that we are able to do something like that when "patriotism" always seem to come with a negative connotation in present Western context, or in viewing Asian contexts with a Western eye. I am now convinced that the problems arising from new immigrants do not stop at getting Singaporeans to accept them. It is paramount to get them to understand that they have to abide by our rules and contexts if they choose to be our citizen. They have the right to criticize, but I think they need to do so in the correct spirit of hoping that our nation becomes a better home, not out of mockery and debasing by comparing with benchmarks of some supposedly "modern" ideas. Because, if I were to migrate, I will live with such a spirit in my new homeland.

幸福

幸福，

是“饮茶”之后，以“石头、剪刀、布”决定谁把剩下的点心吃完

是在海洋公园不断地排队，以三十分钟的等待换取三分钟的“人吓人”

是在进入“鬼屋”时，能成为不相熟的女性朋友的依靠

是有朋自远方来

是星期天早晨，凉风习习，呼吸空气中无法言喻的清新，并浸浴在温暖的阳光中

太阳与我一样，刚刚睡醒

却也一样的精神抖擞。

熊仔语录

1.原来，有些歌能够勾起记忆中的存档，唤醒回忆，并在将我们带入从前的意境时，把心打开，挣脱当下生活的狭隘视野与存在空间。

2.风，咻咻地吹着；人，混混地被吹着；心，悠悠飘忽而闲适，哪怕短暂。

3.我不愿时常把心拿出来，但我按捺不住寂寞。

4.当你低首在心中默默诉说自己的痛苦之后，抬起头看看那观音像吧。雕塑的微笑，就在提醒我们：不要忘了微笑和快乐的存在。

5. 青年（入大学以后）应该看鲁迅、周作人，这样，哪一天从“神台”走了下来，回到“广场”，至少能够告诉自己：原来已经在不知不觉中，走了前人踩踏过的那条路。

我的专访 on "First Degree", TODAY newspapers

Maximum control and impact

by Melody Tan

.

Like many Singaporeans, Tan Wei Xiong is intrigued by China.

.

Unlike most of his peers, the 23-year-old has already spent four years in Shanghai. He graduated recently from Fudan University with a Bachelor of Arts in Chinese Language and Literature.

.

This month, Wei Xiong — who holds a Public Service Commission (PSC) Overseas Merit Scholarship (Teaching) — will begin his Master of Philosophy in Education programme at the University of Hong Kong.

.

Explaining his interest in China, he said: “I was brought up in a very traditional Chinese family. So, Chinese culture is close to my heart.”

.

He added: “I always had the interest and passion to work in the education service. It’s something that just came naturally — since my kindergarten days, I’ve wanted to be a teacher.”

.

Wei Xiong signed up for the PSC scholarship for teaching in 2004 as he was keen to contribute to the education landscape in Singapore, from policy planning to classroom experience.

.

In 2005, during his first-year university holidays, Wei Xiong was attached to the Ministry of Education’s (MOE) Curriculum Planning and Development Division.

.

He was tasked with translating recommendations in the Chinese Language Curriculum and Pedagogy Review Committee report into concrete policies and curriculum.

.

“From that experience, I realised that policy is an area I enjoy,” he said.

.

Wei Xiong spent his second-year university holidays teaching at Beatty Secondary.

.

In his third year, MOE sponsored his attachment to an educational non-governmental organisation (NGO) called Projectwhy in New Delhi, India. For a month, he taught English and Mathematics to children living in urban slums.

.

“This trip was a life-changing experience for me as it reaffirmed my career choice. I felt the immense impact that teachers and public servants can have on children and the masses.”

.

Wei Xiong’s involvement in education and charity did not end there. In 2006, he began sponsoring five Chinese students from rural Yunnan with part of his PSC scholarship allowance. These students are orphans, or have parents who are in ill health and cannot afford their education.

.

“I wanted to do something, and while the allowance is not a lot, it’s more than sufficient for these students in China.”

.

Two of these students have since graduated and moved on to university and technical college. He keeps in touch with them through letters and once-a-semester visits.

.

Wei Xiong has also undertaken other private charity initiatives in China, raising his own funds and negotiating with local bureaucrats.

.

“PSC scholars are encouraged to go out and explore,” he said. “I don’t feel like I’m being held back by anything. If I want to do something, my scholarship officer will assess my need and help me.”

.

Despite his accomplishments in China, Wei Xiong remains focused on his ultimate goal of teaching Mandarin and Chinese culturein Singapore.

.

“What’s closest to my heart is still education,” he said.

囚

我
一只困在铁笼内的麻雀
看到的世界
是被绿纱网分割的一切
啼叫
主宰者耳中的美
是我对命运的宣泄
忿忿不平
却只能在心中无限纠结
渴望的梦
不过是风筝断了线
于是
展翅起飞，东碰西撞
学着以血、汗、泪
向虚假与自由
告别

“邪门”的“福”娃

回顾2008奥运年，五只福娃分别象征了一场在中国土地上发生的灾难：

贝贝：华南水灾
晶晶：四川地震
欢欢：圣火传递纠纷
迎迎：西藏动乱
妮妮：山东火车相撞

这些说法，是网上流传，并非我所发明。


奥运结束，就伴随三鹿牛奶为导火线的“奶粉事件”。

而关注残奥的人都知道，以下的“乐乐”就是残奥的mascot。

邪门吧？！

真不知道是设计福娃的人能未卜先知，还是上苍要玩弄13亿中国人……

又是8号台风天

“紧急通知。香港气象台公布8号台风警报，今晚所有课程取消。”

又是台风天。来香港1个月又2天，这是第二次了。

不过也好，趁今晚有时间，可以专心看书了。明天也没课，就继续舒适地于我的书窝和被窝之中打滚……

May Peace Prevail on Earth 愿和平长存世间

Let's say a prayer on this International Day of Peace.

让我们在这“世界和平日”，为世人祷告。

（Article Pending. To be updated soon. 文章撰写中，近期内会刊载，敬请留意。）

荒谬

之一

我还是生平第一次

被警察查身份证

也许

是我那装了3本厚书的手提包

加上自己黝黑的皮肤

让我看起来像提着炸弹在西环到处逛的

恐怖分子

之二

星期六的夜晚

就连我家阿婆都已经跟她几个死党阿姨们

去外头饮茶了

还说十二点才回来

而我呢

却在房间里看资料

无聊了看一下Youtube

这……

什么世道啊？！

杂想

淡淡的咸味

我决定了，以后如果要以一个大标题囊括在香港的所得，那将会是《淡淡的咸味》。

汗水、眼泪、大海，都是咸咸的，生命却是如此轻描淡写……

恶搞

货源何时有，把奶问青天；

不知改革开放，今昔是何年。

我欲乘雾归去，

唯恐钢铁水泥，

高处不胜寒。

美佬慌群心，

何似在人间。

观音

她/他

大慈大悲坚贞不渝

悠悠我心笑容可掬

却总爱千变万化

衣衫褴褛

穿梭于无人之地

倾听世间的清鸣暗曲

港大，学生

到图书馆，总是看到那么多学生聚在门外的广场，浩浩荡荡，好像准备去打仗；

进到图书馆底层，人少了，但仍有许多学生来回徘徊，等待其他人离开那几十台电脑的其中一台；

走到二楼，却总是那么多的空座位。

港人都爱时髦，特别是学生

但总有人喜欢西装笔挺，配一双自以为很in的拖鞋

或是牛仔裤的裤头在大腿上，露出一件boxers底裤

难怪，林奕华会说，有些香港人就是没品位

没素质

还不如做回自己，哪怕被人误以为是内地学生

至少我没品味得有理

港大校园，有种内地大学所没有的校园风气

我们称之为Life

其实，新加坡的大学，好像也有点相似

但是，我不喜欢

在大学还像在high school一样，搞社团、拼leadership

难道中学、高中还学不够吗？

有些人以为，大学是培养在工作场合社交的基地

我却觉得，能扎扎实实地搞点学术，

或是至少明白“高层次读书”的快乐在哪里

比这种肤浅的“活力”与“愉悦”来得重要多

一个民族，不靠社交取得进步

没有最起码的思辨能力，这群体就完了

思想比不过别人，就注定跟在别人后面

二十年前，这还行得通

二十年后，不懂哲学的，绝无法引领世界

甚至，跟不上别人

因为你就算跟在别人后面，替他抹屁股

通过分析他的粪便看他吃了些什么

你却永远尝不到美味佳肴的滋味

所以，我喜欢大陆的大学

而亚洲社会里，真正有潜力搞一个扎扎实实的大学liberal arts curriculum的

就是中国内地

因为学生已经最起码懂得如何看重原著，看重前人的努力结晶

然后反思、改造、吸收、实践

而能够“尊（重）经（典）”的民族，

总是伟大的

特别是在西方后现代思想横扫一切的时代

因为，它将rewrite the rules

最终把后现代和解构主义，也玩弄于自己的手掌之中

3 books I bought today

Yeah! I finally bought the 3 books I've been wanting to purchase in a long while！

The first is a collection of Mother Teresa's letters with commentaries. Her letter touched me, and I once wrote a post on it.


The next 2 books are by 方文山, in which he analyzed the imageries used in his lyrics, and his rhetorics employed in some of his songs. More than a yr back, I analyzed 《千里之外》using 《诗经》，just out of fun. These 2 books are really reader-friendly, and I thought it would be interesting & useful for teaching in future. Moreover it's not expensive, just S$14 per book.


I need to start saving up! PSC is not giving me a lot of money, especially when they include my accommodation costs into the maintenance allowance. In fact, I think I'm getting less than the scholars in mainland China, which is JUST NOT FAIR! I shall fight for my rights soon.

But first, just when is the money going to be credited into my HK bank account? If I had not helped my prof in his research and earned some extra cash, I would be eating air and sleeping on the streets now...

Chinese, Me: Reflections on "China Witness" 【“中国人，我”：《见证中国》的反思】

It’s been a long time since I got excited at the thought of blogging.

After attending a “Reader’s Club” session organized by HKU library, where Mdm. Xue Xin Ran came and introduced her new book “China Witness” to an audience that is predominantly foreigners, I was inspired. Thoughts flowed like they’ve never had in a long long while, gushing like the rivers that flow from Tibet to other parts of mainland China. The title of a new article popped up in my mind: Chinese, Me (中国人，我), meant to instantiate a complexity of identity surges that probably wouldn’t strike anybody who has not stayed in mainland China for a long period of time and known the Chinese people relatively deep enough.

Me am Chinese? Chinese is Me? Chinese and Me? Chinese/ Me? Chinese-Me?

The comma simply serves to bring across a relationship that is hard to define, of love and hatred, of familiarity and distance, of history and the timeless, of society and self, of them and us, and ultimately, of Me and Myself.

Mdm Xin Ran touched me, and almost made me tear – not once, but twice. One message was clear, and it was an important message: It just isn’t in the Chinese’s blood to allow the pain and suffering, trials and tribulations of their generation and era to spill over and contaminate the souls of their descendants. That is probably why most parents and grandparents don’t like to tell their own children the stories hidden beneath their sometimes strict, sometimes benevolent faces. Historians may wish for “the Truth”, but as far as many Chinese of the old generations are concerned, they would rather bring all the dark secrets of close to a century with them to their graves.

It also dawned on me that if we were to harbour some form of fear or hatred, and to be inculcated with some form of nationalism – fervent or otherwise, it is usually the work of the State, not our parents.

A little on “China Witness”. It is a compilation of interview transcripts carefully selected from 250 interviews that Mdm. Xin Ran has done in the process of her research of her parents’ and grandparents’ generation over the past 20 years. Her interviewees include a Medicine Lady (who probably is one of the very few) that feels the Cultural Revolution helped her; son-in-law of the famous “Double-gun woman”; families who rebuilt their homes in Xinjiang, where the world’s largest prison for KMT POWs was once situated; pioneers of China’s oil drilling; “new-singers” (like Street Callers in the West) of Anhui, where one can still find original architecture of houses from the Ming Dynasty; survivor of the Long March who has no more toes left; a female General of the People’s Liberation Army who was born in America; a shoe-maker of 28 years who sent her son to US for his PhD and her daughter to Beijing University without a single cent from the Chinese government, and many others. The author even managed to find the sole survivor of CCP’s 26 military leaders, who was once higher than Mao Zedong in the hierarchy. The transcript is not collected in the volume, because it is simply too complex. (I am hoping though to get it from Mdm. Xu Ran through email.)

But here’s what she wrote in her introduction: “When I asked him how he was able to survive the fierce infighting of Mao’s inner circle, he told me the following story. In the 1930s, he often played mah-jong with Mao Zedong, Tan Zheng and a few other fellow Hunanese. There are many different systems for mahjong, but people from the same place play according to the same rules: they did not need to spend a lot of time talking about it, they all understood the strategies, because they had all been raised in the earth and water of the same place”.

I have no time to read the book in depth now, but I think I am inspired to continue writing what I have seen and am seeing of the Chinese people – both young and old. As China moves forward, it will always return to its history and roots for inspiration. The same should apply to Singapore, if we decide to remain multi-cultural and not take the route of “cosmopolitism”, in the negative sense of the word. There is just so much we don’t know. What I do know is, I will continue to assert my Chinese identity the way I think, act and in all, live. There is no point abandoning what has been part of me all my lifetime, for the sake of seeking a nationalistic identity. What’s more, this is what connects me not just to the people of PRC, but also to the greater Chinese Diaspora in this age of globalization.

(To think I have to write in 2 languages just to convey one message to different groups of friends. Just when will Singaporeans wake up their idea and start picking up their rotten Mandarin once again? And just when can my PRC friends finally discover the most effective way of learning English and acquire reading proficiency?)

我很久没有为写博客而感到如此兴奋。

出席了港大图书馆举办的“读者会”，听到薛欣然（好名字啊）介绍新书《见证中国》，我得到了许多启发。身边大多都是老外，但我的思绪却像西藏流往中国内地的河水涛涛。很久没有这种感觉了。突然，一个新标题出现在我脑海里：中国人，我。以这一个句子，我试图囊括各种复杂而多样的身份呼唤。若没有长时间住在中国，或是不够理解中国人，也许，就不会有如此的体会。

我是中国人？中国人是我？中国人与我？中国人/我？中国人—我？

一个逗号，承载一段难以说明的关系：爱与恨、熟悉与距离、历史与永存、社会与个人、他们与我们，以及到最后，我与自己。

欣然女士让我感动，并且不是一次，而是两次差点落泪。有一点很明确，而且是很重要的一点：中国人总不愿意将自己一代人的痛苦、磨练，污染并延续于他们子孙的灵魂。也许是这样，许多父母与祖父母，总不愿意告诉自己的孩子，在他们时而严肃、时而慈祥的面容背后，隐藏着什么样的故事。历史学家渴望寻求“真实”，但对老一辈的许多中国人而言，他们情愿自己背负一世纪的包袱与秘密，并带入坟墓之中。

突然，我又想到，原来，如果我们身上暗藏着某种恐惧或仇恨，或是被灌输某种民族主义——不论极端与否，往往总是国家机制教导我们的，并非我们的父母。

这里，略谈《见证中国》。

二十多年，欣然女士致力于研究前辈们的故事。在这过程中，她访问了250多位受访者。这本书收录的，是精挑细选之后，具有代表性的11个访谈记录。访谈对象，包括一个（极为少数人之一的）觉得文革帮她致富的“药婆婆”；“双枪女”的女婿；在曾设有世界最大的监狱，囚禁国民党战犯的土地上重建家园的人士；中国石油之先锋；保留明代原始民居的安徽某县的“新闻说唱者”；在长征存活了下来，却已经没了脚趾头的老翁；出生于美国的现任解放军女将军；28年来靠补鞋，不拿政府一分钱，独自供儿子留美读博士、女儿上北大的一个女人，等等。

甚至，中共初期26名高级将领之一，曾经是中共领导中位居第三的政客，也被欣然女士找到了。书本没有收这段访谈，因为太长，对外国人来说也太复杂。不过，《见证中国》的介绍是这么写的：“当我问他，在毛泽东为首的权力斗争中如何幸存下来，他告诉我这样的故事：1930年代，他常和毛泽东、以及几个湖南老乡一起打麻将。麻将的玩法很多，但同个地方的人根据相同的玩法。他们不需要花很多的时间讨论，因为大家都是在同一片土地上、喝着同样的水长大的，对各种游戏战术都有所了解。”（雄译）

我现在没有时间仔细阅读这本书，但我却有了更大的动力，继续以文笔记录我曾看到并在看到的中国人的一切，不论老少。中国在往前迈进的时候，将会一直回到历史与根源，寻求灵感。如果新加坡打算继续走“多种族、多文化”的道路，不被过分地“多元化”（以至于变得“无根”而漂浮在空中，像现在的上海），同样的道理也适用于我们。我们不知道的事情太多了。然而，我知道的是，我将延续自己的Chinese身份，不论是思想、举止或生活。没有必要为了迁就国民身份而放弃原本就属于自己的一部分。再说，这也将让我能和中国的子民以及全球华人产生共鸣，特别是在这全球化的时代。

（注：说这种话，在新加坡的历史记忆之中，容易被贴上“反主流”的标签，似乎有“分裂祖国”之嫌疑，而且让人轻易联想到共产主义。这是我们的历史所塑造的集体记忆，也是妨碍我们进一步深入理解中国文化，特别是理解现当代中国的一个心理障碍。）

迷茫中的兴奋

上Critical Discourse Analysis，把自己置于后现代的分析模式之中，试图从文字解构中寻求背后的“知识—权力”建构方式。突然间，觉得自己有些格格不入，仿佛我们上课这个行为本身，也是一场值得结构的discourse。身在其中，我也被located and made to behave in a way dictated by this domain through discursive practices……

讨论一份报告，其中将单身妈妈刻画为破坏社会秩序的败类，并且与社会下层相联系，甚至被政客以经济数据无理地藐视。背景是英国社会。当大家开始谈论性别歧视、左派右派、旧维多利亚思维与新现代社会转型，我猛然觉得，自己并非像许多人那样，“下意识”地看到“问题”所在。“Family stability comes best from children being born of a loving relationship between a man and a woman”一句，同学立刻指出loving的提法有问题，between a man and a woman带有歧视女性和同性恋的倾向。我却是思考两次后才捕捉到这个问题。Having to suspend all prior judgment and beliefs as a researcher, and simply looking at texts and how they construct and constitute reality, is just so tedious. 更可怕的是，它让我看到，当大家能够直接“code-switch”to a system of modern thoughts，我却无法像他们一样，在first instance就把一套套的西方现代主义思想提出来。当然，这并不影响学术分析，因为只要有时间，我总能把一套套的社会理论与思想，运用到分析上。只不过，当我们在做这种活动时，我们必须切记，每个人能够提出的概念，本身就是shaped and constituted by previous discourses that we have been immersed in。The fundamental issue lie with a deeply-entrenched binary notion of “modernity” vs. “tradition”, and this seems to be something not many researchers themselves question.

不过，回过头来想，我会问自己，为什么我的思想就无法“现代化”？是否因为在新加坡，一个固守儒家传统价值观的地方，加上我在中国的四年，令我进入了一个hegemony的状态之中？我不问这是好事是坏事，我只要问，我何以成为今天的自己？我更要问，从一个社会的宏观角度来说，大家所受的discursive exposure之不同，造就了怎么样的power/knowledge structures？对新加坡的未来而言，这又会造成怎么样的分裂？

CDA固然有它的局限，但让我们看到自己为何及如何接受由语言塑造的某种现实，并“甘心”接受其背后的隐含权力的制衡。

后来，想想，原来自己一直担心又期盼着未来，正是因为我具有某种价值立场，并希望在现代西方思想充斥的局面下，镇守某片属于自己的天地。但是，是否会失守，是否能真正与其他价值/信仰立场进行对话，本身就是具挑战性，同时具有可能性的。

也是这样，对于未来，我既担忧，却又兴奋。

而对于过去，我也开始意识到，只要从语言层面和CDA入手，对历史现象的解读，就有可能深化，提供主流历史之外的其他解读的可能。事情发生了，我们不怀疑它的客观性。但是，通过对语言和文本的解读，各种“理解”是可能的。就像地震发生了，你能解释为“自然现象”，或解释为“上帝发怒”一样。重点是你站在什么立场，你所处的context，以及解释过程中各种层次的语言技巧的运用。

古希腊人学rhetoric，来进行政治演讲；先秦策士学游说之法，为了左右帝王的选择；今天，我们同样从语言出发，从反方向去凸现语言背后的各种power relations。History seems to have come one circle, and the cycle never seems to stop.

讲到历史，也许该提提自己近来观察到的“香港学”书籍。我从未真正地翻阅，但书架上林林总总的相关书籍，让我联想到，我们是否也是时候，探讨“新加坡学”或“新马学”的各种领域和可能性？

特别当我的国家就像进入青年发育期的“初级阶段”，对以往的总结，似乎必不可少。

方文山觉得新加坡人有素质，因为我们相对守法，而且我们的组屋总是整整齐齐。今天在电梯口看到，有征求大厦粉刷什么颜色的问卷调查。为了“民主”，港人连大厦的颜色，都必须“投票”。我们则总是HDB包办——有谁会去在乎官方在组屋外涂些什么？有了中央策划带来的所谓 “素质”，我们又是否慢慢遗失某种“个性”？反过来，当我们要引进西方那一套以个人主义为基础的一整套社会政治理念时，我们能否真的依然团结，并且以一个群体向前迈进？

Isn’t it all just so exciting?

售卖力量

看了林奕华的上课笔记，只能说，有一些“情怀”，却不如看他写给情人的信那样，感受到“情感”。

不过，纸背后的那种思维激荡，绝对不是我们可想像或者忽略的。利用Foucault的理论，课堂讨论常把学生置于老师所设计的一个subject position之中。你无法逃脱，于是，只能被动地主动去抗压，或者，被动地被动，保持沉默。

但是，林君的文章，有一个概念很吸引我，叫“售卖力量”。

我从不会说自己不要面子。我也从不会认为自己就能抵挡各种比较与虚浮的诱惑。我更承认，科技让我不甘寂寞。

总之，我不否认，我是一个现代人；或者说，现代性塑造了我。

但是，我至少真正明白谈恋爱的意义，知道原来自己是能够抵抗心中对最终做一个“烈士”的愤愤不平。至少，我可以忍受不去追求虚假的浮夸与“体面”，甘心“土气”。

正视自己，从来不是做不到的事。但是，“我”的力量，有时大得自己都无法招架。

于是，你不得不去找寻某种对象，跟他或她或它（顺序不分先后）建立某种关系，以让自己的persona客体化，成为你可把握、可窥视、可爱惜的。

这，其实就是本人定义中的“售卖力量”。当我们自以为（或者是自知地在自以为）能以一种给予他人某种advice的地位时，我们告诉自己，我和你是平等的，但其实，两者的地位已经被预设为不平等。反而是当尝试彻底消解这种差异时，自己难免被吸进了一个令人不适的恶感之中，因为你发觉，你的力量，就不再存在。

我认识某人，他是我售卖力量的对象。但是，他却有一种能力，以“思维可以明白与接受”，“你的话引起我的思考”这种冠冕堂皇的diplomatic rhetoric，让我最后束手无策。原来，你有思维，以为可以引导别人；而别人，也有他的思维。他可以接收你的忠告，然后咀嚼一百次，产生一百种不同的理解，最后再将一百种新的理解全盘抛弃，回到他所相信的，并继续以他自认为“这就是我”的方式，继续以他的行为去犯从前所犯过的错。甚至，因为他消费过我的一次力量，就以为自己真的改进了，却只是原地踏步。

而这种时候，你因为熟悉他的作风，就更努力去尝试改变他，但结果总是不尽人意。

所以，我真的相信，售卖力量，需要上门购买的人是主动的。现代人，不付门票，就不会吸收，更不会成长。难怪李光耀从来不给别人送书。

隐约记得，佛教中，涅磐了的叫Buddha，不愿涅磐而甘心在留在凡俗等待万人顿悟的叫菩萨，而有特殊功德与精神力量的叫金刚。我想，念文科的人，总有种“菩萨情节”，却总在“道不济”的世道中，最后无可奈何地回到“独善其身”的地位之中。

所以，为防止这种“悲剧的诞生”，人还是做抉择：要嘛，就做一尊神台上的观音，听听世人的苦涩靡靡，却要装作充耳不闻，等人走到绝境，给你烧香拜佛，你再赐他一句“天天念南无大慈大悲观世音菩萨”；不然，你就做希腊神话中的酒神地奥尼索斯，用一种夹杂柔美的威严，让信徒在喝下你的葡萄酒后，神魂颠倒，甚至到处疯狂地去撕碎并啃咬一切阻挡他们的世人。

但是，只怕到最后，力量买不出去，你也就只好带着你那伟大的寂寞，上山与等待着蜜蜂与甘露的路边小花对话了。

怀旧中的醒悟

“任时光匆匆流去，我只在乎你……”

听苏打绿小巨蛋演唱会原声带，忽然响起小提琴的细细撕鸣，配着吉他的沉沉挑拨，让我不禁停下了手边的一切工作，静静闭上眼睛倾听。

仿佛，人生在一瞬间，凝聚到了某个点上。曾经那么重要的真挚，在被遗忘的角落，重现在眼前。感觉，就像在两旁树叶茂密的小山坡上，走着走着，来到一豁然处，看见天、看见海。

这个时候，才好似从昏昏沉沉中逐渐有点醒意。问题，原来只是我的心，在人生的某个阶段与其下一个阶段之间，筑起了一道墙，让我对自己的回忆与历史盲目。

遗忘自己的历史，就感受不到当下——特别是当眼下的现实，是自己长久以来期盼并渴望的梦。

活在了梦之中，却忘记了做梦的美好。无怪乎人总要感慨万分，天天哽咽着吞下每一口米饭。

小提琴依然凄凉，此时却加入了群鼓的坦坦敲奏。

生命，渐渐有了重量，将我紧扣于心里所珍惜的某种情结。

“所以我求求你，别让我离开你~~

除了你 我不能感到 一丝丝情意……”

中秋节快乐

很久没有正式地过中秋节了。

在上海的四年，就算跟朋友在一起，但少了好吃的月饼，总觉得缺点什么。

一早起来，就跟阿婆一起拜门神，给观音娘娘上香。打电话回家，爸爸也正在做着一样的事情。

后来进了房间不久，阿婆就叫道：“弟弟！弟弟！”还以为发生了什么事，原来是叫我跟她一起吃月饼。

信仰上的一致，习俗上的相似，拉近了两个毫不相干的人之间的距离。

吃着香港式的黄色发糕，在细细品味白色冰皮，内夹雪梨做成的馅和草莓酱，很新奇，但真的很棒。冰皮月饼的发源地，确实就是有着令人惊讶的创意；回味无穷，让我诧异——原来水果还能做成那么好吃的中式甜点。“双文化精英”们，不如来研究研究香港月饼的演变历史吧！

突然间，回忆起了几年前在杭州的楼外楼买的哈密瓜月饼。那时寄了回家，最后没到达，肯定是海关人员中间拦截，占为己有了……

阿婆兴致高，下午去爬山，一路到太平顶；傍晚去游园，看缤纷的灯笼展。一个人的活力背后，也许是凝聚了对节日的无比重视。

港人对这个节日的情感，显而易见。就连商场的大门前，挂着的都是“Happy Autumn”的横幅。孩子们玩灯笼，青年们出外聚会，通宵达旦。

我也是“年轻人”，所以也就和一群认识不到2周的香港朋友，一同去了油麻地的咖啡厅，玩了4个小时的UNO。回过头来想，会觉得有些莫名其妙。但多一番思索，就明白了背后的“存在意义”。从传统的角度来说，中秋节如同除夕夜，是团聚的日子。知道我自己一人在港的朋友们，就纷纷把我拉到他们的圈子里，或是请我吃饭，间接弥补我对“团聚”的渴望。

其实，当我望着那又圆又亮的月亮时，我是微笑而毫无惆怅的。在这一天，科技让我感受故乡人的“千里共婵娟”，也让我感受此地的温情脉脉。也正是这样，我想，我应该低首，持一颗感激之心，念一句“阿弥陀佛”。

谢谢大家。

（哎呀，回过头想，今天不知有没有让阿婆感觉到“团圆”？虽然我整天在家，但可能，我应该做得更多？其实，应该也无所谓吧。我再怎么努力，想必也无法弥补阿婆对在美国的子女孙子的思念吧？所以，应该无需过于自责。）

中秋节快乐。

现在，我期盼着2周后的星期六，到海洋公园过万圣节！

Feeling Alive...

One day after 911. Long-forgotten memories from 2001 (2001?! Just what is time man?), brought back with the help of a short clip on TV entitled “Today in History”.

We acquire new experiences, and forget the old. Indeed it is tiring to maintain ties, but I’ve learnt since 2005 (2005?! How come it seems such a long time ago since I cried in front of a coffin? Just what is time?) that bonds, once fostered, should never be neglected if they mean something to us.

The innate desire to love and be loved has become a measure of success in my life. The more I can love, the more people feel they need my care, it just thrills me. Perhaps such a definition is unbelievable – to the extent of becoming superfluous, yet every successful attempt at making another person feel anchored back to his/her “normality” just cajoles me to try for more. Of course, any attempts at trying for satiability is, nonetheless, fruitless eventually. But I just want to be here, like a monument neglected in a corner of the soulless park, covered in bird droppings and marred by vandalistic comments like “A loves B”, “F*** C” or “Need sex? Call D at ########”. The passer-by who looks into my eyes that seem to be staring into space will feel me, and that’s how I feel alive.

Living is, after all, about relationships – with Nature, with fellow beings, with God.

Taking a leaf out of Mother Teresa's book

It seemed like everything was destined.

As chance would have it, after viewing an art exhibition at HK Arts Centre tucked away in a quiet corner of Wan Chai, I came to the same porridge shop Boon brought me to in May when I first came here. After that, remembering that I wanted to buy 方文山’s book on his lyrics, I went to 三联书店just 3 shops down the street.

That’s where I saw it - “Mother Teresa: Come be my Light – The Private Writings of the Saint of Calcutta”.

I recall having read a news article on the book. The focus then was how Mother Teresa’s faith shook in the face of suffering. Curious, I flipped to a chapter which had Mother Teresa’s letters to a bishop. As I read on, a profound sensation overcame me.

It was like I was the one writing the letters.

Mother Teresa wrote how she couldn’t establish a direct relationship with Him. In the face of suffering she saw with her eyes and heart, she felt lonely. She almost despaired. Love was turning into pain for her – the pain of losing, and the pain of longing.

I flipped to the next chapter in haste. Some random scanning, and my eyes landed on these two eyes Mother Teresa used in her letters: Inner “martyrdom”. She was coming to terms with it, as a way of alleviating the exasperation within her.

How often have you really given yourself to someoe else, even when you know the relationship wouldn’t have any outcome? When you did, don’t you have the tendency to look in retrospect and then question yourself why you have made yourself go through all the pain in the first place? Then, in spite of all that, how many people can really hang on and convince themselves, then try to seek solace in a stable and peaceful state of mind?

Like Mother Teresa mentioned that her suffering was just a little bit of what He went through, I have had experiences so similar to the beloved Saint though what I have gone through must have been million of a fraction of hers. Nonetheless, I am elated because it shows that I have lived – in the truest sense of existence – and gave love which probably can be classified as “universal”, though not yet “unconditional”.

Immanuel Kant, in his “Critique of Pure Reason”, gave “I” and “God” as concepts that unite the discrete and unassociated domains of our entire existence. At the end of the day, when we cannot find God, it is probably because we cannot find ourselves. Humans need to live in relation with others and himself. More often than not, the modern persona tends to forget that. As for those who never neglect this crucial point, we sometimes forget one thing: Even saints were humans, and humans need to be loved even if they were the givers of love.

So, let’s remember to give love, even to those who seem to be the ones always giving that to us.

港人，港情

“Since coming to HK, I haven't been able to engage my soul with this city, and I feel like it's just drifting along in life - such that even reality seems like half a dream when I take a step back and look at it at a distance. For that reason, I guess I am trying to use love for people, be it ah po, my family, u, my PRC friends, Korean friends, Singaporean friends to truly feel my own blood flowing beneath the flesh. This is a different dimension from work, and I know being a workaholic, I can still manage my own studies, my reflections of social and global issues, and anything that is rational very well. I think for now, what I need is to be able to "feel" - enjoy beauty of life, nature and people with an earnest attitude manifested from a heart that is truly exposed to Existence. I am someone sensitive - you shld know that - so sometimes I am strict with my own feelings and emotions too. When I am not "real", I don't pretend to tell myself that I am.”

This was what I wrote to a close friend in an email a few days back. It is also what is captured in the post below. Yet, I think Lady Luck has been with me all along, for she has bestowed upon me some very caring HK friends. A researcher in our lab offered to treat me to dinner on Thursday, fearing that I will be lonely during the mid-autumn festival. A senior from Fudan promised to meet me this Saturday for dinner. The group of teens (mostly kor kor and jie jie) whom I went out to sea with has again invited to their private gathering on Sunday, assimilating me into their circle even though I don’t speak Cantonese, and many of them are not fluent in English or Putonghua. Now, who says HK people are cold? They simply make my day.

住在“山城”中的感觉，其实很棒。每天3、4点走上山去港大，能够呼吸艳阳照耀下的清脆山脉与堆砌得有些不像样却感觉十分“草根”的水泥建筑共同调配而成的混浊空气，都是一种令人心情放松的方式。就算提早得肺癌，我也心甘情愿。

选举过去了，成绩公布了。我并没有参与过程，只是下课回家的路上，瞥见那街边的宣传横幅，冷冷落落，凄凄惨惨，有时真不知道，混乱之后，究竟留下了什么。就 像那常常吵得住路边的人睡不着的古老又具标志性的电车，在夜晚时分，停放在海港边的车站，静得奇怪。而路人，就尽情地在电车轨道上来回踩踏。

心变得小了，是因为年纪大了。越懂得自己，就越想躲进自身那不顾人间烟火的纯净心灵园地。但是，这个年龄，虽然追逐安全感，却也不愿放弃探索。于是，天天到 楼下的茶餐厅吃北菇滑鸡饭，配一杯冻菜蜜，沉浸在建筑工人、搬运人员、中年蓝领以及很多很多很多老人的陪伴中，似乎也有种满足。市区，反而令我有些生畏， 因为一个个西装笔挺的中环金融人才，比起茶餐厅里的市民，更像一只只穿着相同盔甲的黑工蚁，在最前卫的玻璃巢之中，前后穿梭。

我 想，做一只不折不扣的“土气熊”，让别人误以为我是中国人，其实也是另一番探索。毕竟，港人虽然还是会以自己的“流行”而自豪，却不会对能将一口流利普通 话的人，抱着过度彰显的高傲态度；亦不会对黄头发蓝眼睛的外国人，有过于特殊的待遇。殖民地的旧思维与中国崛起的新现实，让夹在中间的港人，在待人处事和 自我心态的调试上，生发出一种极为特殊的“中庸主义”。

Hong Kong: Day 15

东方之珠，以她令人迷幻的霓虹灯，多年前曾紧紧捉住我稚嫩的心灵。不知何时，这个梦不再那么迫切，炙热的心也多少冷却了下来。如同一切儿时幻想，滚烫的热忱与血脉贲张的蠢蠢欲动，总是在到了一定年龄之后，不知被谁一夜间夺走。

身处回归了十一年的香港，除了街道上的电车始终具有标志性、山顶俯瞰海港与夜景依旧让我心驰外，我不知道，我追求的最真诚、最本质的美，要往何处寻。

也许，市井散发的鱼腥味，路上形形色色的上班族、打工族、学生、主妇、老人，偶尔能让我微笑。也许，空气中特殊的味道，带有某种亲昵（跟上海的“铁味”相比，这里的空气与蓝天白云，还是令人舒快的）。但是，为何眼下的“动感”，总无法打给我真正的“感动”？我多么渴望了解这城市及其市民，但我始终觉得自己漂浮在社会运行机制的外围。这个“孤儿”并不真心地接纳我——又或者，我还不配给它接纳？

也许，是我的心胸不够宽阔。

似乎，真正让我感到有一定亲切感的，只有家中的阿婆。她总让我想起海明威笔下的老人，在 “不中意”她的一切际遇中，活得有规律、有尊严。朋友们带给她的快乐，电视节目带给她的虚拟，不是掩盖，不是逃脱。简简单单、干干净净，活着竟如此简单。每天看我忙忙碌碌地出门，再筋疲力尽地回来，不知她是否心里曾在意过，或是曾想过什么。也许，她也明白我是个过客，所以不愿去打开心扉，因为日后会更感伤？但是，我总会想，我能给阿婆带来什么，我又能否在语言障碍之后，表现对她的爱？微笑，我常常做，而我希望不会显得虚伪。然而，我还需要再做点什么。我一定要。