The past year has made me understand what agony poor health is, what desolateness in solitude feels like, how one smiles at the bright sunny sky every morning despite saying "last prayers" every night "just in case" he doesn't get to wake up, and of the importance of life's sense of purpose so one actively moves on though some engagements may be dreadful.
Ever since I became a university student, there have only been 3 times when I wanted to write a collection of essays. The first was after my one-month stay in South Korea, of which daily accounts are actually on my blog. The second was after my one-month stay in India, of which I have already compiled entries from my diary into a small book and emailed friends. The third, unsurprisingly, is about my stint in HK so far. I've even thought out the name for it: 《与市相融的苍凉——香港留学记》; and the contents: 楔子、港大篇、房东篇、友人篇、自然篇、草根篇、社会篇、艺术篇、结语：跨越界线. I don't know just when I can come out with this book, though I have some writings here and there.
It has been the wisest choice coming here, because I feel like I am experiencing life in my barest state - almost getting to the roots of the whole of existence. I don't know what the road ahead will be like, what dreams I will fulfill and decisions I will make. I also understand I may not thrive well in the vain, modern society. Yet all these seem superfluous, at least for now, in light of all that I've seen and felt. I know this sounds incredulous, but I really think this state of being "pessimistic in the mind, optimistic in will" is a well-balanced equilibrium of life and death, hope and fear, light and darkness... One learns to embrace "self-perceived" enemies, and then pins hope on transcendence. In literature, I think Lu Xun and Zhang Ai Ling managed that; in philosophy, I think Nietzsche's analogy of Apollo-Dionysus relationship in "The Birth of Tragedy" is a wonderful beacon that very well theorizes what I feel. Observing life and people in Hong Kong is like watching a never-ending tragedy, and the soul of the audience - me - gets trascended in magical ways. It may also be because of "all" walks of life - children, youths, academics, corporate workers, labour workers, old people etc - are encompassed in my "worldview" of HK that I also somehow feel that aging isn't actually such a terrible thing. Fundamentally speaking, difference is only skin-deep; ultimately, all the people I have come across here in HK are united by this aesthetic notion of desolateness (苍凉, and hence the over-arching title of my new book). Personally, the youthful vibes in me still push me a little more towards the side of Apollo - the epitomization of optimism and hope, but "desolateness" is such a powerful form of existence - at least aesthetically when viewed with an disinterested eye - that I cannot resist the temptation to capture it in words.
Is this complex? Maybe, maybe not. As they have it in Zen Buddhism:
老僧三十年前未参禅时，见山是山，见水是水，
及至后来亲见知识，有个入处，见山不是山，见水不是水，
而今得个体歇处，依然是见山只是山，见水只是水。--------------
选择来香港，应该是我人生至今最明智的选择。
过去一年中，我明白了生病的痛苦，了解到孤寂中的苍凉是什么感受，学会每天早上对着阳光微笑（尽管每晚都会因担心一觉不醒而默念“最后的祷告”），并意识到人生目标的重要性——因为这是促使我们前进的唯一动力，即便有些事情常常让我们感到厌恶。
自从成为大学生，我至今只有三次，想编自己的散文集。第一次，是在韩国住了一个月之后。每天的日记，现已挂在了博客上。第二次，是到印度贫民窟教了一个月的书之后。这方面，我也已经从日记中挑选了一些文字，编辑成集并邮寄了给一些朋友。第三次，要算是至今在香港生活的日子。我连文集的题目都想好了：《与市相融的苍凉——香港留学记》；目录也构思了：楔子、港大篇、房东篇、友人篇、自然篇、草根篇、社会篇、艺术篇、结语：跨越界线。我不知何时会完成这本书，虽然自己来来回回也写过了好些文章。
来香港，之所以是最明智的选择，是因为我得以用最赤裸裸的方式体验生命——几乎是寻觅到了整个存在的根源。前方的路会是怎样，我会做何种选择，我不知道；我也明白，自己也许会无法完全适应浮华的现代城市生活。但是，至少在此刻，这些疑惑与顾虑，都显得如此多余。我知道，这么说有些令人难以置信，但我真的认为，“悲观的精神，乐观的意志”，是一种足以恰当地平衡生与死、希望与恐惧、光明与黑暗的存在方式。一个人，必须学会如何去拥抱和容纳自己认为具有敌意的人事物，然后寄希望于升华、解脱。在文学的领域，鲁迅和张爱玲是能够做到这一点的（此乃文人止庵的观点）；在哲学中，尼采《悲剧的诞生》中，以阿波罗和地奥尼索斯为比喻的美学理论，是能够很精确地把我当下的感受表达出来的理论坐标。观察香港人及这里的生活形态，就像在观赏一场永无止境的悲剧；而观众——我——的灵魂，则奇迹般地获得了升华。也可能是因为，我对香港的“世界观”中，包含了各色人种——小孩、少年、学者、上班族、劳工、老人等等，我似乎觉得，成长和衰老并不可怕。基本上，差异只不过是表层的；到最后，我在香港所接触到的所有人，都因“苍凉”这个美学概念而得以统合。就我个人而言，灵魂中青春的脉动，依旧让我有些偏向代表希望与光明的阿波罗；然而，知道从非功利的美学角度来看，“苍凉”是何其震撼人心的存在方式，使我无法抗拒以文字去捕捉所见所闻的冲动。
这复杂吗？或许是，或许不是。正如禅宗一公案所言：
老僧三十年前未参禅时，见山是山，见水是水，
及至后来亲见知识，有个入处，见山不是山，见水不是水，
而今得个体歇处，依然是见山只是山，见水只是水。
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