展翅,在夕阳的轮廓里

幻想,是何等伟大的事业
将一代人卷入那空灵之中
在苏醒的时候,才发觉,
原来他们已被时间抛在了后头,成为了历史
黑格尔说得对:
密涅瓦的猫头鹰只在黄昏起飞
可叹的是,
世人只知以自己的生理年龄来判断个人思想的时辰……


2007年10月30日星期二

散文涂鸦(三):《秋绪》

锈一般的空气,披着神秘面具,无边无际。终而下起小雨,在那旅人背脊,一滴一滴。

同样是提伞,步行的人随风而吟,或哀而泣;自行车骑士,则感战场沙尘四起,愈进愈急。

一阵酷气过去,只闻草木翻翻欲寂。

炎热夏季,绿荫默默伫立,俯观人的筋疲力尽;清爽秋庭,过客缓缓而行,仰听梧桐的最后喘息。

自以为,这是自然的窈窕纤细。转角处,却见落叶一片狼藉。

究尽一生,或许明彻缘灭气息,却难见情止体静。万物化返,终使人不胜唏嘘。

然而,巧遇名师大家携子搀女之景,但知人性的平凡无奇。

生生父母,其心如一;追忆惘然,原似流光随影。


What is insignificant to us may have a big impact on others, what is significant to us, others may feel nothing. Life is all but a controversy of subjectivity. The quest to seek the Objective is thus the aim of every human, but who really finds it?

Stranded in the middle of time, looking at the past brings regret, looking at the future brings fear and sadness, looking at the present brings uncertainty. Yet, who really overcomes time?

2007年10月21日星期日

A peek into the Self

终于,看到了路的坦荡

跳出丛林,原是察觉寂静下的扰攘

澎湃的青春,山水还未嵌入胸膛

思维的浪潮,席卷灵魂新旧消长

失去勇气 面照内在的凄苍


以为白云漂浮在长存的蓝天

却见午间大地黄金一片

悄无声息,烤出上苍羞涩的容颜

时间,让我们看不到自己蜕变

遗忘从前 曾经睡过的花园

2007年10月20日星期六

散文涂鸦(二):《眠•觉》

生命太多错觉,包括情感。成长的代价,并不一定要伴随时间直线条的推移。一切知性,让现实不成现实,虚幻不成虚幻,假作真时真亦假。梦,不断环环相扣而回旋。理性过剩,终而好似没有情感;然而,每一个文字却铺垫着一颗柔而小的心。到最后,走在尘埃密布的道路,错觉也不过是错觉。艺术到了最后,必须消解自己,留下无以名状的虚无。


昼短时节,夕阳的余晖成了狼族的血祭;

叶落纷飞,梧桐的枝头化为战士的铁剑。

大地漆黑一片,皎白明镜,折射天际的尘灰,

伊人在水一方,寂静山丘,或闻生物的呼吸。


是摩诘的惊鸟?是鲁迅的过客?

是寻觅长眠猎物的兽?还是

在池边的梦乡里,以悬崖为伴 舞着月光的心灵?

寻觅与等待,终究换取烟海中的心悸与无奈。


生命输给了时间,是谁的过错?

雪花是美是悲,要看是否有明星伴随。

第一道曙光,射入半闭的眼眸。在那时候,

忘却昨夜的彩霞,让灵魂旋转出香甜的凄楚缠绵。

2007年10月12日星期五

迷失的祭歌


寂静水面,清澈的月

乳白带着晶莹

好似净晰

家家瓮里见慈光

不如抬头面照皎明镜


今人独得虚古意

蓦然回首

却不见诗人赤壁咏叹息

流水

或是冥界之境,或是时光无情


北林觅得空树梢,却道

若非慈乌,即为

黑发早遇聃周吟,

不知已得红楼白雪地

还是口念三藏宝黛心


拟古之意,千言万语总矫情

是非之谛,东南西北皆无理

好像豪语壮志,亦似闺女抚琴

到头来,

不见天地自偶化,儒道玄佛终为零


0这个概念,什么都不是,却同时也什么都是。就好像郭象《大宗师注》所曰:“言道之无所不在也。故在高为无高,在深为无深,在久为无久,在老为无老,无所不在,而所在皆无也。”也许,这正是哈姆雷特生命真相的发现……

2007年10月5日星期五

拟古


子时差三分,闲闷无处遣

独倚迎冰风,浊酒对清天

淫乐袭心房,周公亦沉潜

静闻叶蝉吟,闺妇楼台间

遥想建安子,思接竹林贤

有意阕至情,欲发更无言

焉得不速老,随母赴黄泉


拟古之乐,识得文人雅兴之挫败,明了朴素之艰难,会通布局之关键,感其生命之流放。道常无言。此中真意,稍纵而成惘然……

2007年9月28日星期五

Let's pray for Burma

The appalling news about the crackdown of the military junta in Myanmar brings into picture several key questions about the country, ASEAN, China's "strategic management" of its foreign policies, and on a larger scale the paradoxical strife-in-continuity relationship between history and politics of an independent state.

People power in Myanmar has not yet achieved its full potential, though we do see news reports quoting common people lamenting the soldiers as "ingrates" who forget that their food is given to them by their fellowmen. (That brings to mind my question about how the Indian soldiers working for the British felt when they had to torture fellow Indians for their enemies..)

Singapore, as current chairman of ASEAN, is trying to do something. Yet, I doubt how much "quiet diplomacy" and issuing of statements can help. George Yeo's act of trying to secure his presence at UN security council meeting shows his guts and determination to "express the views of ASEAN", but on the other hand could bring future repercussions, such as fellow ASEAN neighbours seeing us as "overly proactive" in hindsight.

It doesn't help either that China and Russia blocked UN security council sanctions, labelling such actions indirectly as "non-constructive". Frankly, if China were to step in today (despite the fact that it could be seen as an interference in the internal politics of another sovereign nation), I believe the Myanmar authorities would think twice and exercise restraint in violence even if major arrests were planned. Yet, China held on to its "peaceful rise" diplomatic ways and maintained a "middle way" attitude. I guess, if we look a little deeper and spice it up with some imagination, China is just afraid of "retributions" should itself being a one-party regime employ similar tactics on its own people in future. China's politics doesn't allow it to commit itself to a position of moral authority...

No matter what, let's pray for our neighbour and its people.

2007年9月18日星期二

The Angel's Wings

elle balance

sur le plumage instumental,

Musicienne du silence.


心连着心

望着彩虹的摇摆

手牵着手

遗忘过去和未来

一起等待 生命许诺的告白

没有唾弃与无奈

文字的心跳在澎湃

相信 天使之翼依然存在

2007年9月15日星期六

[Straits Times] Twists and twirls of an individual mind


By David Brooks
UNIQUELY PERSONAL: Judging intelligence today is like watching ballet. Speed and strength are part of intelligence, but the essence of the activity is found in the rhythm, grace and personality of a person.

A NICE phenomenon of the past few years is the diminishing influence of IQ. For a time, IQ was the most reliable method we had to capture mental aptitude.

People had the impression that we are all born with these clever little information-processing engines in our heads, and that smart people have a lot more horsepower than dumb people.

And in fact, there is something to that. There is such a thing as general intelligence; people who are good at one mental skill tend to be good at others. This intelligence is partly hereditary.

An analysis by Mr Bernie Devlin of the University of Pittsburgh finds that genes account for about 48 per cent of the differences in IQ scores. And there is evidence that people with bigger brains tend to have higher intelligence.

But there has always been something opaque about IQ. There is no consensus about what intelligence is. Some people think it is the ability to adapt to an environment, others that capacity to think abstractly, and so on.

Then there are weird patterns. For example, over the past century, average IQ scores have risen at a rate of about three to six points per decade. This phenomenon, known as the Flynn Effect, has been measured in many countries and across all age groups. Nobody seems to understand why this happens, or why it seems to be petering out in some places, like Scandinavia.

IQ can be powerfully affected by the environment. As Mr Eric Turkheimer of the University of Virginia and others have shown, growing up in poverty can affect your intelligence for the worse.

Growing up in an emotionally strangled household also affects IQ. One of the classic findings of this was made by H.M. Skeels in the 1930s. He studied mentally-retarded orphans who were put in foster homes. After four years, their IQs diverged by an amazing 50 points from orphans who were not moved.

And the remarkable thing is, the mothers who adopted the orphans were also mentally retarded and living in different institutions. It was not tutoring that produced the IQ spike; it was love.

Then, finally, there are the various theories of multiple intelligence. We do not just have one thing called intelligence. We have a lot of distinct mental capacities. These theories thrive, despite resistance from the statisticians, because they explain everyday experience. I am decent at processing words, but when it comes to calculating the caroms on a pool table, I have the aptitude of a sea slug.

IQ, in other words, is a black box. It measures something, but it is not clear what it is, or whether it is good at predicting how people will do in life. Over the past few years, scientists have opened the black box to investigate the brain itself, not a statistical artefact.

There are now books on mental capacities where IQ and intelligence barely crop up. They are concerned instead with, say, the parallel processes that compete for attention in the brain, and how they integrate. The authors are finding that neural connections are shaped by emotion.

The University of Southern California had a patient rendered emotionless by damage to his frontal lobes. When asked what day he could come back for an appointment, he stood there for nearly half an hour describing the pros and cons of different dates, but was incapable of making a decision. This is not the Spock-like brain engine suggested by the IQ.

Today, the research that dominates public conversation is not about raw brain power but about the strengths and consequences of specific processes.

The cultural consequence is that judging intelligence is less like measuring horsepower in an engine and more like watching ballet. Speed and strength are part of intelligence, and these things can be measured numerically, but the essence of the activity is found in the rhythm and grace and personality - traits that are the products of an idiosyncratic blend of emotions, experiences, motivations and inheritances.

Recent brain research, rather than reducing everything to electrical impulses and quantifiable pulses, actually enhances our appreciation of human complexity and richness.

While psychometrics offered the false allure of objective fact, the new science brings us back into contact with literature, history, the humanities and, ultimately, to the uniqueness of the individual.

NEW YORK TIMES

2007年9月14日星期五

《稀望》

发觉友人中的诗性“小团体”,欣喜消解恒长的自我孤寂。于是作闲诗一曲,记黑暗中透进心灵的一丝光明。


忘了日期的园地里

麻痹的火团缓缓燃起

乔木野草一并化去

剩余的,却非虚寂四壁


纯情女郎的眼角下

种子找到了它的新家

权杖自碳灰中焕发

守护者,是那晦蓝的Lord Shiva


于是,膏火聃定的耗亡

带着久违甘露的舒爽

雨滴落地的清脆

伴随着光环的万翦辉煌

韩语歌声中,一分钟的阵雨

孤单度过下雪的夜晚

黎明的钟声,自远方传开

不要向我告知愚蠢的悲哀

只属于自己,那对你的爱

心头的痛楚阵阵袭来

但我依旧爱着 那寂寞的无奈


上苍为我落下细细的泪

让万物镶嵌在柔和的画纸上

柔弱的金黄 层层铺开

悄悄吞噬心悸,以生命取代

微风吹拂的短暂里

乌云卸下的包袱 原来是自己

2007年9月6日星期四

Reality check - India

Time just seems to fly when you're reaching the end of a journey. Maybe it's just that you want time to stay, but in jest it makes a funny face at you and hops along saying "no, I will not.." Now that I found some time to take a breather, I thought I'd better upload more stuff on India, so that everybody can see what I have seen.

Till now I have shown you the beautiful side of things. Now, it's time for a reality check. We're going to touch on thorny issues persistent in India's society.

The content below come from a part of my report to MOE on this attachment, so the language could be a little "political" in nature. Nonetheless, try to see things with your heart. More importantly, relate them to Singapore, and see if you can discover our blind spots as an individual and as a nation.

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Multi-religion and Multiculturalism

Contrary to the widely perceived notion that equates “India” with “Hinduism” (possibly because majority of Indians in Singapore are Hindus), India is in fact multi-religious and multi-cultural. India is not cosmopolitan like Shanghai, but has a diversity of culture and religion deeply rooted in history. In fact, the architectural heritage left behind by the Mughals from the 14th to 16th century is distinctively Muslim. The Taj Mahal, India’s symbol of eternal love, has verses from the Quran inscribed on its white marble walls.

However, while I have seen how people with different religions identified themselves with the common Indian nationality, transcending differences to work and live in harmony, and I have encountered three people - an Indian Muslim, a Nepalese Hindu and an Indian Hindu – who have been best friends for more than a decade, the real problem with India today, according to friend, is that religion has been so regularly exploited by politics (not exactly sure to what extent the word “politics” covers, it just kept appearing in our conversations) that Hinduism has reached a stage of fundamentalism and protectionism. This, coupled with the global threat of Islamic extremism, as well as the historical enmity between India and Pakistan, has resulted in constant tension between Hindus and Muslims. Though I have not witnessed this myself, I was told that personal arguments between individuals from different religious communities are often exploited and turned into inter-religious conflicts.

Therefore, on one hand, there are Indians who are not overly-influenced by protectionist Hinduism, who see their religion as the “mother of religions” and are thus being able to overcome barriers and seek spiritual solace in other places of worship; on the other hand, many Indians are starting to build up walls between themselves and people of other religions, such as the Muslims. More interestingly, while enlightened intellectuals express indignation at the current state of religion, they have also expressed worry at their children marrying someone from another religion. I understood that this paradox has a lot to do with the way “outsiders” are perceived by people from another religion and the issue of social acceptance by the local community. For example, a non-Hindu convert is generally taken to be lower than the lowest caste in the Hindu religion.

This reminded me of my reflections after watching the film “Gandhi”. The power of non-violence was fascinating, as always, but what drew my attention more was that among three things stated by Gandhi in the film, India till today has only achieved the third – that is, to defy the British and gain independence (Well, to speak the truth, Indians have not walked out of this colonial mindset yet). The second point was to eliminate the “untouchables”, with which I associate to the elimination of the caste system. The first point was harmony between Hindus and Muslims, a point which the director had obviously wanted to highlight by Gandhi’s assassination. The film set me thinking about how often we have forgotten the ideals of those who’ve brought us our freedom (or worse, not bothering to learn about them), and what it takes to bridge the difference between religions. Certainly, it is worth pondering how assimilation can take place, and if oblivion was the key to harmony. The question of “racial / cultural determinism” once again hovered in my head. Less significantly, the issue of heroism and its relevance to the world today also surfaced in the process.

Towards the end of the trip, what took me by surprise was the revelation that two of my colleagues have been lovers for 7 years. It’s just amazing how well-kept this secret is all this while since I arrived. The thing was that the female was Hindu and the male, Muslim. At dinner I could tell from the way they looked at each other that there was true love, and knowing India’s culture the issue of religion will be a big stumbling block for this couple to tie the knots. It pained me to see couples being pulled apart because of reasons beyond their control.

The issue of religion is something I would want to explore further, because it was apparent that many of the young teachers were having the same thoughts as me, believing in a “God” while their religions and deities become mere kitsch. Perhaps this could be a start towards inter-religious and inter-cultural integration.

Gender Issues

I first came across the issue of India’s gender inequality in “The Argumentative Indian” by Amartya Sen, winner of the 1998 Nobel Prize for economics. At that time, possibly influenced by my knowledge of age-old Confucian Chinese societies, I did not think it was surprising to find dominance of one gender over the other, particularly the male over the female, in a developing country steeped in tradition as India. A month’s stint in India made me realize the severity of the problem, especially the possibility of it manifesting into an impediment of family planning and in turn leading to the vicious cycle of poverty.

The most evident phenomenon of gender discrimination is probably the large number of female infants abandoned by parents with little or no education. News of these infants have become so common in the local newspapers that I suspect not many people really think twice about them after browsing through the reports. I also heard that in some parts of India, especially the villages, there is a practice of drowning new-born female infants in milk. Official reports also show that girls are disappearing at an alarming rate, and nobody has been able to provide a satisfactory explanation for that. In addition, I was told that gender discrimination is a social trend also applicable to educated upper and middle classes. This group of Indians typically chooses the route of abortion after illegally getting doctors to determine the sex of the foetus. Such a social mentality has resulted in the ratio of women to men in some cities to fall drastically, and in turn some communities resort to “buying” women from nearby villages or cities to produce offspring for them. A Hindi film entitled “A nation without women”, an excellent film in my opinion, was made on the basis of these issues, but I was told that it only lasted a week in the cinemas as Indians were not willing or unable to face up to the reality of their society.

These happenings show that there is a lot of room for consideration in terms of gender issues. One question I discussed with some Indian friends was whether a “one-child policy” akin to China would work in this country whose population is projected to exceed China’s in a few decades. Our consensus was that it could be difficult, considering the difference in political landscape and ideologies between the two nations. Moreover, it could cause the practices mentioned above to intensify, with unthinkable repercussions.

What intrigued me more, however, is the reason(s) behind the above practices. Indian friends constantly highlighted the general opinion most Indians have: boys carry on the family line, and only sons can guarantee their parents protection and care at old age. Moreover, females require dowry if they were to get married. Yet, if the Chinese have a similar mindset but do not have such massive killing of females, there has to be something deeper worth pondering.

I soon found out that there is the issue of the inability of Indian females to adopt proper birth control and family planning measures. This arises from the upbringing of the traditional Indian girl, who is taught from young that once she gets married, her husband becomes her “God”. The result is that even though contraceptives are distributed for free, many women refuse to use them as taking contraceptives or refusing to have sex is seen as an act of unloyalty towards their spouses. Moreover, women are subjected to the authority of their mother-in-laws after marriage, and approval has to be sought from the latter, seen as the head of domestic affairs, for almost everything. Deeply ingrained mindsets result in the passivity of traditional women (lower to middle classes), thus unwanted pregnancies, big families and poverty ensue. Abandoning, killing or aborting females may be extreme measures taken out of desperation, but what’s important is to appreciate that such trends are but a small piece of the puzzle.

Therefore, the root solution lies in the abolishment of the servility of women in a society that remains largely steeped in gender differentiation. Intellectuals with Western knowledge and experience, as well as law-makers, know this very well. Hence, intellectuals are doing their part to empower women. Laws have also been put in place to protect women, one of which Mdm. Anou likes to quote is the law against abuse towards married women. This law states that if any woman were to report to the police that she has been abused physically, verbally or mentally by her husband, mother-in-law or anyone in the household, the latter will be immediately detained, and bailing is not allowed. However, as pointed out by Mdm. Anou, this law has ended up being misused by some who were not actually abused, while most women who are true victims of family abuse, especially the less educated or those from lower social classes, tend to continue suffering in silence as they do not want to cause disruption to the family fabric or “bring dishonour” to the family name. In addition, society also takes an ostracizing attitude towards divorced women, and they face difficulties in renting houses or finding jobs.

Gender issues are truly reflective of the power that social norms and collective psychology have on the individual. Improved laws cannot solve gender problems fully because many people don’t make use of them. Schools are not able to deal with these issues openly because there will be pressure from parents who are still relatively conservative in thinking. As it is, through separate dialogues with the older girls and boys at Project Why, I have found out that many of them have inherited their parents’ opinions on gender. That is, for the boys, they think men are above women after marriage; for the girls, they perceive their roles after marriage to be an obedient wife and a deserving mother. The only comfort, probably, is that neither the boys nor the girls want big families. Most prefer to stop at two children. Nonetheless, as my Indian friend pointed out, nobody can say for sure if they will keep to what they say now when they grow up. It would thus be interesting to see how India deals with the gender problem, especially how voices and actions from the ground change the current state of things. At the same time, the impact of globalization and the influx of Western values, such as human rights and equality of gender, on traditional Indian thinking, practices and customs also remain to be seen.

Between Rich and Poor

Urban slums in Delhi are located in industrial areas, in the midst of rubbish dumps or even near city areas. Take a tour and you’ll immediately understand what is meant by “the two Indias”. On one hand you have huge shopping centres for the affluent; on the other hand people are roaming the streets for food. Or, while some people get all the water they need by just the turn of a tap, slum occupants arm themselves with water containers and rubber tubes twice every single day, climbing on top of the water van as if it’s wartime to obtain their storage of water.

Perhaps, as foreign observers, our hearts go out to these fellow humans, and it’s never difficult for us to pull out 10 rupees from our wallets for the kid or old lady wandering through the traffic jam, begging for money from car to car. At the same time, we start questioning how the rich can spend all their money on manicure and golf, and lament their cruelty and cold-bloodedness. I have been thinking about the issue of economic divide, and somehow I have come to understand that what we need to reflect on is not the fragility of humanity but the incapacity to overcome our own blind spots. Yes, you may say that with so many slums - congregations of people in abject poverty that set up their shelters in unoccupied urban areas such as outside the walls of an institute, in the midst of a rubbish dump, among the foliage by the road, under a fly-over, almost everywhere in the city, how can anyone miss them? Well, this is no different from the posters we hang on the walls at home. As soon as we’ve got used to them, unless we make a purposeful effort to acknowledge their existence, they become transparent to the eyes. While concrete efforts to change things always proceed in small steps, the key issue in the long run is awareness, and a constant effort to champion causes that we believe in.

Humans forget too easily. The greatest danger is turning a blind eye to our fellow men and not feeling guilty in the conscience. Yet, this seems to be the state in China and India today. Thus, there has to be a group of people who remind their fellow people of India’s realities. This brings me to the role of the Indian intelligentsia in their society.

The Indian Intelligentsia

While India is a developing nation that has deep-seeded issues which can take generations to solve, its historical developments and political ideals have nurtured a group of intellectuals who understand that many problems cannot be simply wished away. They too understand that while the government has a fundamental role to play, it is not possible and not enough to rely purely on policy changes – not possible, because bureaucracy and corruption are still inherent problems of the political process; not enough, because many problems require immediate actions and due to their close association with social mentalities, require early education so as to bring about mindset changes in the younger generations. Compared to China, this is a nation where young generations never forgot how hard their ancestors fought for independence and where some intellectuals are still see themselves as “nobels in spirit” leading their fellow men to liberation from poverty and suffering. In trying to bring two worlds within a country together, people have come together from different worlds and produced positive synergy in work and life. Action on the ground is self-initiated, presumably because the government cannot be counted on.

Of course, challenges ahead are aplenty. One of them is that undeniably, there are many more intellectuals out there who are disconnected from reality. There is also a need to increase this pool of talent and intellectuals through macro-changes to the education landscape. Moreover, it seems to me that the affluent/ intelligent/ higher castes/ those with better luck all seem set to take flight. The moment India catches up with China in its economic reforms, coupled with sustainability (and probably greater will) in its political arena, higher-educated intellectuals who speak better English than PRCs and who are more in-tune with the outside world may not be willing to stay. Loss of talent may decrease the base pool of enlightened individuals who dedicate themselves to greater causes than their own successes. At the same time, though India can draw some lessons from China’s present development, it lacks the latter’s long history of “one-idol worship” from politics to religion. Thus, while ill Chinese cultural practices have been eradicated by the communists from the late 1940s through the Cultural Revolution, and social classes from the revolutionary communism era were easily forgotten after 1979 and replaced with “financial classes” that have be managed with strong political will, big question marks remain on how India will deal with its deep-seeded culture, rich-poor gaps that are likely to widen, and the possible evolution of its political process.

Nevertheless, only time will tell of mindset changes to the people of India, especially when the world becomes increasingly barrier-less. For now, like some intellectuals whom I met told me, the important thing is to constantly challenge thorny issues and make sure people do not turn a blind eye to things. This means that every little incident that seems questionable has to be raised through the press, public debates and by fully utilizing the Right to Information (RTI) department directed by the central government.

2007年8月27日星期一

[Straits Times] Mother Teresa's letters reveal crises of faith

MOTHER Teresa, who is one step short of being made a Catholic saint, suffered crises of faith for most of her life and even doubted God's existence, according to a set of letters.

'Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear,' the missionary wrote to one confidant, Reverend Michael Van Der Peet, in 1979.

The letters, some of which she wanted destroyed, appear in Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light, due to be published next week, 10 years after her death.

Extracts of the book appear in the latest edition of Time magazine.

In more than 40 letters spanning some 66 years, the ethnic Albanian nun who devoted her life to working with the poor in the slums of Kolkata in India, writes of the 'darkness', 'loneliness' and 'torture' she is undergoing.

'Where is my faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness and darkness - My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no faith,' she wrote in an undated letter addressed to Jesus.

'If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to heaven - there is such convicting emptiness.'

In her early life, Mother Teresa, also known as 'the saint of the gutters', had visions. In one, she talked to a crucified Jesus on the cross.

But the letters reveal that apart from a brief respite in 1959, she spent most of the last 50 years of her life doubting God's presence - much at odds with her public face.

In one letter, written in 1959, she wrote: 'If there be no God - there can be no soul - if there is no soul then Jesus - You also are not true.'

The book's compiler and editor Reverend Brian Kolodiejchuk is a member of Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity and was responsible for petitioning for her sainthood. She was beatified - one step short of sainthood - in 2003.

'I've never read a saint's life where the saint has such an intense spiritual darkness. No one knew she was that tormented,' said Rev Kolodiejchuk.

Mother Teresa's successor said yesterday that the revelations would not hamper her path to sainthood.

'I don't think it will have any effect on the process of sainthood for Mother Teresa,' said Sister Nirmala, who succeeded Mother Teresa as the head of the Missionaries of Charity.

Cardinal Angelo Scola, the patriarch of Venice, said the letters showed Mother Teresa was 'one of us, that she did all her work as we do, no more no less'.

AGENCE FRANCE-PRESSE, ASSOCIATED PRESS

“If your heart is clean, nothing happens.”


This is a quote from the novel-adapted movie "City of Joy". I chanted it everyday in India, in the hope of finding strength to deal with conditions and circumstances I never expected.

Yet, it wasn't just fighting things off. The entire month was a spiritual journey from my eyes to my soul, walking on a wandering track through thick foliage and entangled vines.

This post documents my struggle to victory.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

(1)

Twists and turns of the wondrous maze
Shelter from trails set ablaze
Still and dry is the common-man’s gaze
Where flies form the screen of haze

Milky-white drains greet the day
Temple’s closed, no need to pray
Children roam in sweaty flesh
Dancing to music that blasts away

Darkness in Daylight, Peace in Haste,
Behold, tis' the Kingdom’s song of Praise!

(2)

忘了眼泪的滋味,忘了心酸的甜美,
只知味蕾的疲惫,还有一片漆黑。
痛恨自己,成了心的盗贼,
在天神与大地的恩赐面前,颓唐残废。

(3)

The visits to the Lord Shiva statue, Lord Hanuman temple and Qutb-Minar were supposed to be spiritual, but being a tourist amidst the wave of afternoon heat meant more seeing with the eyes than the heart. Fortunately, the squirrels in their brown stripes and furry tales came to my rescue with their acrobatic postures and the adorable munch-munch action on two feet. As Lucy and I sat on a pasture chatting, I noticed a crow that flew to and fro, each time getting low to brush with its wings a wild dog that had entered its territory. 6 to 7 times it did this, before the dog finally decided to retreat. I’ve never derived so much pleasure from watching small animals. It was all part of the “Zen” that I’m unable to put into words.

Yet, seeing the crows sail high in the air, their extended wings still as they flowed in circles, I couldn’t help but feel like that solitary bird flapping its wings really hard, not knowing where I fit in or where I’m headed to. The agony of losing myself by accident is just proving hard to endure.

(4)

这是一个连蚂蚁都争着展现自我存在的世界,是一片无情被爱消解的田地。

苍蝇吮吸着汗水,替不排斥它的人搔痒。

人,已忘了自己是人。

万紫千红的舞蹈中,一只乌鸦和雪白的牛对上了眼。

跛脚的流浪狗路过其间,伴随旋律团团起舞。

在这单纯里,我却找不到一丝的诗心。在现实与欲求之间,看到了无法跨越的界域。

于是,无所谓神圣与洁净,

只有妥协与哀怨,无奈与怜悯。

也许,上帝的救赎,在于将魔鬼的权杖化为天神的仙棒,

学会在脚板的亲吻中将大地置入心灵,

于是非纠缠的麻木中,找回真实的自己。

(5)

A short power cut on Wednesday night resulted in us having to light Diwali candles, and in all silence the flame with its ring of glory and thousand rays seemed holy to the peaceful mind. Thursday’s rain made all of us wet, but it was such weather which ironically bought self-realization back again. As raindrops pattered and dark clouds loomed, the air that had been sultry for days felt refreshing. There were mixed feelings as to whether the rain was a blessing or disaster, but to me these three weeks in India have proven to me that life is like the yin-yang, with the good in the bad and vice-versa. After all, it is how the heart perceives the world.

(6)

膏火聃定的耗亡
带着久违甘露的舒爽
雨滴落地的清脆
伴随光环的万翦辉煌

潮湿浇熄不了世间的冥火,并存是上苍眷顾的最佳证明。

(7)

Sometimes, we adults think we have the answers to everything. In actual fact, even toddlers can give us a dose of much-needed inspiration at times.

This morning, Firdaush was telling me about what Komal (Naresh’s second daughter) did at the crèche yesterday. A little boy started crying after his father left him at school. Seeing this, Komal went over and tried to wipe the boy’s tears with her hands. When that didn’t work, she began patting the boy’s head like a big sister. The comforting went on for 15 minutes, but the boy didn’t stop. At last, Komal sat beside him and started crying with him. That did wonders – the boy stopped crying, and Komal dried her tears too. That brought a sense of warmth to my stale heart, and a smile that was truly radiated from within. Gomal’s bright eyes filled with curiosity and innocence made me realize what I was missing out in these past 2 weeks.

I had come to India in the hope of finding spiritual inspiration and perhaps even enlightenment, yet all I experienced was a dead soul amidst the daily buzz and “cultural immersion”. In reality, God has been everywhere around, in the winds of the morning, the rustle of the leaves, the colourful sarees, the buffalos on the streets, the crows and pigeons, the partying flies, the filth of the slums, the stares of the locals, and most importantly, the laughter and tears of all the children I have come across. In trying to do “something constructive” and paying too much focus on the language barrier, I’ve neglected the fact that baby angels are valued for their purity (even innocent evil), and teachers appreciate it when I push on with them everyday in the hot and stuffy room when the electricity gets cut, drowning in my own sweat without any complaints.

For a moment it felt like I was the protagonist in Tagore’s Gantajali – the one who sought Him but couldn’t find him anywhere, and eventually found it in the workers and the stone cutters. India’s poetic appeal – and perhaps its spirituality- is that beauty in the ugliest or most trivial of reality, under the harshest circumstances.

(8)

Night in Delhi is really heart-touching, especially seeing families sitting around, children playing together in orange light, and people on the streets busying themselves in a leisurely mood. As we came to a T-junction, there was this white buffalo which was caressing a dog with its neck, and the dog enjoying the company of the former. With white signifying purity and the buffalo being an animal sacred in Hindu religion, the scene before my eyes demonstrated what true love is all about: overcoming impossibility. As the clubs closed and the roadside sellers pushed their carts with that trademark green neon-light home at midnight, Delhi came to its temporal peace, which soothed the mind cooped up in haste and work all day long.

(9)

As golden rays beat on pools of sewage water and a fine stream of sacred dust snaked across the uneven roads, I felt as ease with the hot wind that puffed up the stained sleeve of my white shirt.

India is the place one should certainly visit after opening the eyes of the heart.

2007年8月25日星期六

India - Taj Mahal


Before I move on to serious stuff about India, like the slums, social problems etc, I've decided to upload some photos of my R & R. See the "glorious" part first so that when we encounter suffering, reality will sink in better...

Let's start with Taj Mahal. Frankly for me, the majesty of this symbol of eternal love wasn't so much in its architecture. It was having the entire blue sky with white clouds as its background that made the entire structure stand out. Since the clouds moved with the wind, the lighting cast on the central structure kept changing - just like how the shadows of the clouds casted on green fields or a mountain can create different effects, in turn evoking different feelings.


Now, I know this looks like it's done by photoshop, but it's really what most tourists do.

From left: Me, Rani (Indian), Shamika (Indian), Lucy (from Cambridge), Firdaush (French, born in Mauritius)

The Masjid (mosque) beside the white marble structure

Verses from the Quran inscribed on white marble

Yamuna River that flows into the Ganga (Ganges) River, behind the Taj Mahal.


2 interesting things about Taj Mahal: 1, the shadows of the four towers by the side will never fall on the dome of the central structure (housing 2 coffins); 2, There was supposed to be a black Mahal built beside this white marble one, but before the King could get down to it, his son usurped his throne. A sad story just like the bittersweetness of love.

Perhaps the truth of reality is that incompleteness makes life more beautiful.

2007年7月21日星期六

India - Day 1











Uploading speed is really slow, and for some reason I am unable to cut and paste my journal onto the blog.. (Don't like Imac.. =p) So, just to set the minds of those who are worried about my safety at rest, I've decided to upload some photos of my bedroom, the slums and the kids first..

2007年7月9日星期一

解脱——死亡惊喜到来的感悟

物,令人向往的是欲望,是冲动和现实无法调和的过程,而不在于获得;

时间,真正有价值的在于前后,毕竟没有过去与未来,就无所谓此时此刻;

人,最在乎的,感觉上是活着时每分每秒的存在,实际上却是因为终点的预先设定被推动着。

解脱,走来不易,到来却不费吹灰之力,

于是紧绷的心顿然被力量的释放骗得不知所措。

从马棚重归草原,不容易维持自己的桀骜不驯,

毕竟,解脱陷入的是无人之境,

并以它的解脱把人带回起点,陷入难以翻身的永恒轮回。

2007年7月3日星期二

《真爱宣言》




《再见萤光兰》主题曲。

让我如此向往澳大利亚,去了之后才生平第一次发觉什么是“美“,什么是aura,什么是自然与生命的和谐……

2007年7月2日星期一

《蒲公英》




小时候教师节的必唱歌曲……

Brings back sweet memories of Vietnam and Yunnan OCIP. (Qi, specially for you...)

知识的门由你开启
走向光明的路是你指引
莘莘学子 幼苗长在大地里
师恩是春雨

知识的门由你开启
走向光明的路是你指引
莘莘学子 幼苗长在大地里
师恩是春雨

每天用爱将智慧灌溉
培育我至诚智勇胸怀
教导我坚强 鼓励从不间断
开创美好明天

我们是高飞的蒲公英
您的叮咛嘱咐是和风
陪伴我自信翱翔 不怕迷失方向
飞翔阳光绚丽的远方

Zha Xi de Lei




就是这首歌,让我从小时候就向往到云南去教孩子。终于找到了。歌词的意义,到今天才真的有所领悟……

The song that inspired me to wanna do CIP in Yunnan since primary school. Finally found it. Now that I've realised my dream, I've come to understand how meaningful the lyrics are. Shall send this to my kids in Yunnan someday, though I wonder if they have a CD player...

2007年7月1日星期日

一分钟的阵雨

我曾写过,没有经过风浪的摧残与考验,无法知道船身是否坚固。但我忽略了一点,就是原来自己不断在船身上加木头,加铁钉,于是乎密密麻麻,总没顾及出航。也许,当风浪自行到来的一天,船身因为太沉重,一下子就沉没……

没有大喜大悲,哪怕在菩提树下修炼一辈子,或许也没法涅磐。般若,也许需要大量的情感波动后,才能在直觉的引导下自觉生发。在不自觉地“动”多了之后,再来求助于“静”,才能明了“静”的可贵。

也许,这正是为何鲁迅担忧中国诗歌中的“不撄人心”。时间久了,正如那些“虚假的哀怨诗”所表征的那样,坦然成了自我慰藉的心灵蒙骗,实际上就是那一艘已经出不了航的船。

只有加法或只有减法,终究都不是办法。人生就是这一条路,也许当无所谓加减的时候,才能坦荡荡地吟一句“也无风雨也无晴”。破对待,原来真是直觉的事。