It's been a long time since I felt such a sense of loss. Or I should say, it's probably the first time I ever felt so lost.
Reality feels unreal. There is a lack of texture to its entire makeup. A big gap is waiting to be filled in my heart. Never in my life have I felt so deeply immersed in self-denied acceptance of who I feel I am.
Staring into blank space, I am compelled to keep my thoughts going. Friendship first comes to mind. Where have my old friends gone? Why does it feel so difficult to sustain a proper 2-hr conversation with close friends whom I meet up with? And how much worth is there in investing so much time on new-found relationships that might not even withstand the test of time anyway?
There is nothing to fear in the sense of solitude, since I know even a lone soul can bask in rejoice. But when memory fails me - when I look at words written in the past years and find myself not being able to remember those episodes, or not being able to experience those intense emotions at the critical moments, that's when I really feel alarmed. Life cannot and ought not simply proceed forward in a continuous, linear fashion. Without reminiscence, or the ability to do so, where is the value in life lived? Where does one find the confidence for self-assertion?
Moreover, how can I become a competent teacher if I have nothing left to fall back on? Moving forward, I ask myself, what is it I want for my future generation? Surprisingly I find no answer - at least, I am not strongly convinced by any of the responses that come to mind. Those convictions that determine a well-lived life for my own existence cannot be easily extrapolated to fit the younger ones, for the simple reason that I am neither totally pragmatic or eclectic - definitive values that is commonly seen as characteristic of mainstream Singapore. I mean, it is scary when you see two toddlers playing with each other, and the first thought that surfaces is not hope or cuteness but how they are going to end up as competitors for money, scholarships, social mobility, resources and any other factors that underlie notions of success in the globalized market economy. Yet I know that this is the reality we face as young Singaporeans. I am thus perplexed by what has always been in the evolution of our species, and what constitute novelty in the 21st-century context. As such, I have no idea if we are really going the right direction in the way we are framing our responses and policies to the civic, moral, ethical and ontological needs of our era. Am I even asking the right questions - that is the question.
Old networks awaiting renewal, new relationships in need of strengthening; Old memories disintegrating, new memories unrecorded and unaccounted for; Insufficient faith in old convictions meeting the expectations of a new brand of modernism transcending cultural and national borders - how can I not feel bothered? How do I find myself?
I am seriously lost, in my own thoughts, in my own world.
2011年1月30日星期日
2011年1月15日星期六
Musings of the day
1) I was reading a report on education reforms as Dad kept asking, 'what do you want to have for dinner tonight'. Suddenly I was jolted out of a hazy dream.
The epiphany: At the end of the day, policies are never just intellectual arguments. It is about the welfare of millions of Singaporeans, like having a good job to put food on the table. So it becomes a matter of life and death.
2) The younger generations, particularly the post-2000, often make me apprehensive about the gap between our style of education and their everyday realities. But as I thought back of my own experiences, I saw a great connection between what I had and wanted to have, with what the kids have today. It then dawned on me that my job wasn't really managing a new breed of unfamiliar human species at all. Rather, it is re-thinking what I would consider fundamental lessons from the past collective experience, and coming to terms with long-held dreams turned into reality.
The epiphany: At the end of the day, policies are never just intellectual arguments. It is about the welfare of millions of Singaporeans, like having a good job to put food on the table. So it becomes a matter of life and death.
2) The younger generations, particularly the post-2000, often make me apprehensive about the gap between our style of education and their everyday realities. But as I thought back of my own experiences, I saw a great connection between what I had and wanted to have, with what the kids have today. It then dawned on me that my job wasn't really managing a new breed of unfamiliar human species at all. Rather, it is re-thinking what I would consider fundamental lessons from the past collective experience, and coming to terms with long-held dreams turned into reality.
2010年5月26日星期三
人生的过程，就是一个梦想，连接另外一个梦想
你们两个，真是好坏好坏的坏蛋
在博客写那些，让我忍不住要放下写论文的笔
给你们写信
隔空来场“光华楼对话”。
兄弟啊，真是用来害的。
发，这几年来，其实我们都在欺骗你
明知道你的孤单，你的迷失
却假装不知道，然后不断地
挑逗你
那紧绷的神经。
鑫，一直以来，总问你，
在追求的是社会，是艺术，还是你自己
看来，你已经慢慢有眉目了
现在的瓶颈
才是成长的开始。
也许你们都知道，我不太爱看小说
因为总觉得，人的生命，光是体验现实都来不及
为何还要花时间，去活一次别人的人生
走着，走着，我也已经习惯
不去浪费自己的时间和文字
在记录一些无所谓的感情波动和纠葛上
除非是值得记录的想法
或者是触动灵魂或让我理解本质的自我
的那些瞬间，
才会坐下来，写出心中的感觉。
我并没有失去感受的能力
但我也开始意识到，好像
我并不再知道我自己
可能，我其实一直在逃避
在伪装，在掩饰，在逞强。
到复旦的时候，是这样
妈妈去世的时候，是这样
毕业的时候，是这样
就连今天，也还是这样。
前面的路，好像早已经有人给我铺好
但也因为这样，我越来越畏惧自己
谢金良老师说过，我有傲气
我可爱的弟弟说过，我很自闭
而我近来发觉，教育不全然是爱心
也不单是自己和学生的成长
还有体制，还有政治，还有那卸不下的寄望
所有人不愿意做的事情，我无法不扛起
即使自己并不非常情愿，但也并不排斥。
但我终究只是一个懦弱的灵魂，
就连“王子病”的勇气，也渐渐在流失
这很不像我，
可也许，这就是本来的我。
最近从学弟那里，听到他以前对我的误解
还有因为自己无心的话，被老师斥骂
总之，他们让我明白，
原来我在别人的眼里，
是一个可以为了名誉和虚荣而不顾爸妈死活
是一个用了纳税人的钱就沾沾自喜自恃为精英
是一个会为达目的不择手段又不给人留后路
的人渣败类。
但我并不气他们，也不觉得那些全然是
无中生有的冤枉
有果必有因。
我甚至已经不敢奢望
有谁能来了解我，或是可怜我
我甚至很自虐地想去
收集别人对我的误解，曲解，不谅解
心会感觉到伤，是因为本来就太嫩
就像草莓，一捏就烂
我不想再这样，成天沉溺在自慰的虚幻和快感之中。
慢慢的，我
在学习慎言
在尝试变得更加稳重
在努力不去被别人的指责或恭维影响
并爱上那种迷糊中寻觅前进方向的彷徨和痴狂
但同时，我也不想再封闭自己
或是用更多的欺瞒来掩饰自己
人性，本来就不是非此即彼
本心，自己知道就够了。
一起赏月，一起吹风，一起看云的日子
未来还会有的
吧。
在博客写那些，让我忍不住要放下写论文的笔
给你们写信
隔空来场“光华楼对话”。
兄弟啊，真是用来害的。
发，这几年来，其实我们都在欺骗你
明知道你的孤单，你的迷失
却假装不知道，然后不断地
挑逗你
那紧绷的神经。
鑫，一直以来，总问你，
在追求的是社会，是艺术，还是你自己
看来，你已经慢慢有眉目了
现在的瓶颈
才是成长的开始。
也许你们都知道，我不太爱看小说
因为总觉得，人的生命，光是体验现实都来不及
为何还要花时间，去活一次别人的人生
走着，走着，我也已经习惯
不去浪费自己的时间和文字
在记录一些无所谓的感情波动和纠葛上
除非是值得记录的想法
或者是触动灵魂或让我理解本质的自我
的那些瞬间，
才会坐下来，写出心中的感觉。
我并没有失去感受的能力
但我也开始意识到，好像
我并不再知道我自己
可能，我其实一直在逃避
在伪装，在掩饰，在逞强。
到复旦的时候，是这样
妈妈去世的时候，是这样
毕业的时候，是这样
就连今天，也还是这样。
前面的路，好像早已经有人给我铺好
但也因为这样，我越来越畏惧自己
谢金良老师说过，我有傲气
我可爱的弟弟说过，我很自闭
而我近来发觉，教育不全然是爱心
也不单是自己和学生的成长
还有体制，还有政治，还有那卸不下的寄望
所有人不愿意做的事情，我无法不扛起
即使自己并不非常情愿，但也并不排斥。
但我终究只是一个懦弱的灵魂，
就连“王子病”的勇气，也渐渐在流失
这很不像我，
可也许，这就是本来的我。
最近从学弟那里，听到他以前对我的误解
还有因为自己无心的话，被老师斥骂
总之，他们让我明白，
原来我在别人的眼里，
是一个可以为了名誉和虚荣而不顾爸妈死活
是一个用了纳税人的钱就沾沾自喜自恃为精英
是一个会为达目的不择手段又不给人留后路
的人渣败类。
但我并不气他们，也不觉得那些全然是
无中生有的冤枉
有果必有因。
我甚至已经不敢奢望
有谁能来了解我，或是可怜我
我甚至很自虐地想去
收集别人对我的误解，曲解，不谅解
心会感觉到伤，是因为本来就太嫩
就像草莓，一捏就烂
我不想再这样，成天沉溺在自慰的虚幻和快感之中。
慢慢的，我
在学习慎言
在尝试变得更加稳重
在努力不去被别人的指责或恭维影响
并爱上那种迷糊中寻觅前进方向的彷徨和痴狂
但同时，我也不想再封闭自己
或是用更多的欺瞒来掩饰自己
人性，本来就不是非此即彼
本心，自己知道就够了。
一起赏月，一起吹风，一起看云的日子
未来还会有的
吧。
2009年12月28日星期一
Quote of the day
"Your life is a closed book, and only a few people have the password to access it". - My brother 5 yrs younger
2009年12月26日星期六
Ten lessons learnt after 16 months in Hong Kong
1. In all sound education systems, all revamps are but a repackaging exercise, of educational aims and goals that never change. What changes is the configuration of the positions where we place these aims and goals - in the background, in the foreground, at centre stage or at the peripherals.
2. Education is never far from politics and economics. So just as they say 'it takes a village to raise a child', everyone in society has a right to be engaged in education issues. But that doesn't mean we don't need schools and teachers, for they shield children from premature exposure to darkness lurking in all corners of Life.
3. Everyone is born equal but different. Inequality is simply an exacerbation of pronounced differences.
4. Some say freedom is the will to be responsible. Others say freedom is a game of choice. I don't know what freedom is, but I know I've lost my freedom when I cannot conceive for myself what is righteous, and what is not.
5. All agendas, in their own right, deserve basic respect. But some agendas always prevail over others. Sometimes, this is due to Reason; more often, it is due to Power.
6. Strip me of my national identity, and life becomes much less interesting - at the very least, there'll be nothing much left to lament over coffee.
7. Capitalism and goodwill are not mutually exclusive entities. Cold appearances can belie warm hearts - for in societies like ours, community is an unity of universal solitude.
8. History is like volcanic lava. We usually just leave it boiling in the abyss, and build our houses upon it. When the volcano does erupt, it may quash existing institutions. But as the lava cools, our land will emerge more fertile than ever before.
9. Loneliness is the consciousness of Solitude. It deserves to be embraced and celebrated.
10. By nature of human's forgetfulness, there is no eternally good or evil person. What prevails is the eternity of goodness and evilness.
2. Education is never far from politics and economics. So just as they say 'it takes a village to raise a child', everyone in society has a right to be engaged in education issues. But that doesn't mean we don't need schools and teachers, for they shield children from premature exposure to darkness lurking in all corners of Life.
3. Everyone is born equal but different. Inequality is simply an exacerbation of pronounced differences.
4. Some say freedom is the will to be responsible. Others say freedom is a game of choice. I don't know what freedom is, but I know I've lost my freedom when I cannot conceive for myself what is righteous, and what is not.
5. All agendas, in their own right, deserve basic respect. But some agendas always prevail over others. Sometimes, this is due to Reason; more often, it is due to Power.
6. Strip me of my national identity, and life becomes much less interesting - at the very least, there'll be nothing much left to lament over coffee.
7. Capitalism and goodwill are not mutually exclusive entities. Cold appearances can belie warm hearts - for in societies like ours, community is an unity of universal solitude.
8. History is like volcanic lava. We usually just leave it boiling in the abyss, and build our houses upon it. When the volcano does erupt, it may quash existing institutions. But as the lava cools, our land will emerge more fertile than ever before.
9. Loneliness is the consciousness of Solitude. It deserves to be embraced and celebrated.
10. By nature of human's forgetfulness, there is no eternally good or evil person. What prevails is the eternity of goodness and evilness.
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